Rose 2.45: First steps

     Mama continues to try to pretend Willow doesn't exist.

    Except, of course, when she finds an opportunity to annoy her.

      Marcel, Fiona's son with Antonio, ages to child, and the maker finally gets a picture!
      He looks like a Monty. Although, he might have Fiona's mouth.

     Willow finally starts to show. Before now, Mama had started to throw several hints my way that Willow wasn't actually pregnant. I am going to have to have a talk with Mama if she doesn't calm down. Yes, Willow isn't the best person, but neither am I. Besides, I know Mama will want to be a part of her next grandchild's life even if she doesn't like his or her mother.
     Time goes by. Mama ignores Willow and wears black. I start wearing black too. I am mourning Tiffany. I will never forget Tiffany, but I have to think also of the next child I have on the way.
     I stop bothering to go get my hair cut, and I decide that if my father doesn't shave much, why should I?

     Ah yes, and I also get my ear pierced. I thought Mama would go crazy angry when she saw it, but she actually likes it. Papa, he hates it. While I was there getting it done, I saw someone getting a tattoo. I decided that since I was there anyway, I'd go ahead and get some ink as well.
     Papa says that I'm going through a depression from Tiffany's death and that's why I've made these changes to myself. He, wisely, doesn't say this near Mama or Willow. He might be right, but I like the earring and tattoo. I like my hair and beard as well. I feel like I have at least some part of my life under my control.

      Speaking of changes, or not, I notice Willow only looks pregnant in her everyday wear, which is baggy by design. I hate to think that my mother might be right.

     I don't let my depression show to Lorenzo especially, and I do everything I can with him. Today, he's going to learn to walk.

     At least, that's the plan.

     I chuckle at my little boy. "Zo-zo, you are supposed to walk to Papa."
     "No. Zo-zo go bye-bye!" he insists and reaches up for me, meaning he wants to go for a ride in the stroller.

     I stand him back up and go back to my spot. "C'mon, Zo-zo. If Zo-zo walks, Zo-zo plays at the park," I promise. I'll despise myself later for that since it'll be outside, but I'll get over it.

     I cheer, and he laughs.
     He looks like Tiffany, I think before I can stop myself.

     Behind me, Willow gasps happily. "Atta-boy, Zo-zo!" She claps, and Lorenzo giggles again.
     Go away, I think to her. I don't mean to be mean, but I also can't help but think that the wrong woman is celebrating my son's first steps.

     Willow starts swaying her back when she walks, but what she calls her 'baby bump' looks to me like nothing but bloating. She should be showing by now.

     We sleep together. Sleep. That is all. We share a bed. I have tried and tried to encourage a response out of her without any full-on seduction and gotten nothing. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I may as well be sleeping with my bear. I have a beautiful, sexy woman sleeping next to me every night, and I hardly get to touch her. I get it; she doesn't trust me, doesn't trust any feelings I might have for her. I don't blame her, but I'm trying at least.

     I jerk awake with a start, panting. Turning, I look next to me. Willow. I'd dreamed she left me. The part that bothers me most is that I didn't care like I should have. No, no. I need to care! For my unborn child, I need to care! I look at her again. Maybe I SHOULD seduce her... Maybe that's what she needs, what will bring us to the next step. No. No, she won't feel comfortable until she believes I want her for more than just the baby she [supposedly] carries.

     I wipe my face and turn away, putting my feet on the floor.
     I can't. I can't because Papa's right. I'm depressed. I'm mourning Tiffany. I can't let Willow mean anything to me because I can't let Tiffany go.
     Do I even want to?
     I need to. Hanging onto her will get me nowhere.

     With the full moon, it's bright out, and I have very little difficulty riding my bicycle the short trip to the nearby beach.

     I like coming here. It's where I feel closest to Tiffany.
     "I was going to come after you," I tell her. No one is around to hear me talking aloud, and I like it. "I was buying a house. It wasn't a very big house, only one bedroom, but I could've made it work. You might have even liked it. I picked it mostly for the pretty garden in the front yard." I sigh. Tiffany loved to garden. She and Papa got along nicely because of it.

       "I know you loved me. You were furious with me, and I deserved it, but you still loved me. I will never, ever forget our last kiss." I'll never forget the way she clung to me like she was taking everything she could out of the kiss so that it would get her through to the next one, which wouldn't happen for a long time. "I wasn't going to give up, not as long as I saw love in your beautiful eyes."

     "Lorenzo has my eyes. I wish he had yours be-" I can't continue because a sob catches me off guard. My strained voice finishes the sentence anyway. "Because I miss them." No matter what was happening to me, they would solve everything.
     I take in a shaking breath and sit down on the sand. I don't like sand; it gets everywhere, but I'll tolerate it in order to talk to Tiffany.

     "I think Lorenzo has your smile. He did his first steps today. He was so proud of himself! Because it's what he calls himself, we all call him 'Zo-zo.' He is a wonderful boy." who will never know you.
     I take a deep breath. "I have a confession, Tiffany. I got Willow pregnant. It was after you died. I was angry and came at her like a monster. She wanted to leave and raise the child on her own, but I didn't want to let her. So, she stays with us now. I'm trying... I'm trying to love her, but I just don't."

      "How can I love anyone when I have a big, gaping hole where my heart belongs?" A huge wind flies at my face, kicking up a bit of sand. "What do I do? She's pregnant with my child. I know it would make you mad, but I want that child. And I don't want to separate the child from its mother." I sigh, knowing there's no easy answer to that question.

     My next thought makes me smile. "So, how do you like my new look?" I chuckle and playfully gesture to myself. "This is what I like to call 'I'm too lazy to go and get my hair cut or shave but have time to pierce my ear and get a tattoo.'" I laugh outright.
     I dig my finger around in the sand, drawing little lines. Then, I look at the sand I now have collected on my finger and do my best to rub it off. I'd better be sure not to rub my eyes with this hand now. I brush my fingers on my jeans, hoping to further remove the offending grains.
     A huff escapes me. "I didn't expect any answers. Those are hard questions. I just miss you." Tears slip out of my eyes. "I'll have to find a way to live with a woman I don't love. I needed to come tell you that. Maybe I'll get lucky and fall in love with her. Don't be angry with me if I do. Please. You will always be my first love, Tiffany. Don't ever forget that because I won't."
     I can't stop living my life because Tiffany is gone. She would be so mad at me if I did.
     I sigh, stand up, and make my way back to my bicycle, dusting my butt off as I go.

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-Pedro gets 10k for a celebrity opportunity.
-Willow wants a boy
-Pedro gets a promotion with the release of yet another book Lover's Descent $2,287/w
-Donovan's age keeps resetting! I think the same is happening to Rose. She should be a bit closer to elder. I'm going to watch for Link to age up and age up Donny 2 days later.
-The consignment shop stopped working properly. No one mans the register, even until the day I'm typing this which is a few weeks after these pics and notes were taken.

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