Lemming 2.5: Wondering

     Two months have passed since that awful day Hugo struck me. The first two weeks, I spent the entire time in my bed, hardly eating and mostly sleeping. I couldn't handle my destroyed trust in the world. Hugo was supposed to be my hero, not an attacker. Dad, Katherine and my little brother Mickey, Justin, and Emmett would visit me frequently to help take care of things and me. Mom visited a few times, but her advice was always so scattered. She's even crazier than me. Many, many times, Hugo tried to visit, hoping I would talk to him, but he could never make it through the wall of my protectors.
     Eventually, I agreed to meet and talk to Hugo at the park. That man is destroyed, and it broke my heart to see him like that. But I couldn't take him back even though I really do believe he just lost control of his temper for a split second.
     "In that split second, my life ended," he'd told me before hiding his face for a minute.
     I told him that I can't ever trust him again. I can't be with him anymore because I would always wonder if his temper would flare up out of his control and he'd hurt me again, maybe even worse that what he did.
     Even with everything that happened, I hated seeing him in so much pain. The Hugo I loved is still in there, that fantastic person who brought me out of my depression and made me feel like the most wonderful woman on the planet. But, I also found out about the other side of him.
     Katherine called it passive-aggressive when I told her about all the things that would happen, all the things that I was 'supposed' to do in order to keep him happy. She told me about her ex-husband and all the things he'd do, and she told me that I did a good job in getting Hugo out of my life.
     "Neither was Jack!" she told me after I'd insisted that Hugo wasn't all bad. "Otherwise, I would never have married him. It took me ages to finally let myself see the bad in him."

     Today, I'm going to visit Emmett. His face lights up every time he sees me, and...I like it. I don't want to let myself go any farther in my musings than just knowing that I like visiting him. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment later.
     But...if I don't find out for sure, I'll drive myself crazy.

     "Jenny!" he exclaims when he opens the door. "You're...a little earlier than I expected, but come in!"
     He's...still in his pajamas. I see his computer screen showing that game he's been getting me to play.
     He sees me looking at the screen, scratches his head, and grins sheepishly. "I guess I also lost track of time."
     "Oh-kay," I say slowly.
     He walks over, tells Justin through a microphone headset that he has to go, and turns off the computer.

     "Thank you for coming over today," he says quietly when he turns back my way. Then, he hugs me. It's a simple hug; I feel safer with Emmett than I might someone else.
     Emmett was instrumental in saving me that day, and that knowledge helps a lot. When I'd started freaking out and screaming, he'd called Justin, not knowing what else to do. Justin brought Dad. At first during those two weeks, I didn't want Emmett touching me, still having that sense of caution about what Hugo would think, but I didn't like that, that feeling like Hugo still controlled me. What I really liked was that Emmett was very careful not to touch me, maybe worried I'd start having a screaming fit again. The fact that he took pains to keep from any physical contact made me feel better, stronger. I decided, one day last week, to hug Emmett. He acted terrified the whole time, but even his caution then helped me.
     I'm nowhere near ready for anything romantic, but I can sense that I will be someday, even if right now it's hard to trust. I'd loved Hugo, and I still find it hard to believe what he did. I never would've guessed he had that in him. How can I know that anyone isn't also like that?
     "Well, I did have to move some other appointments around, but I was able to fit you into my busy schedule," I tease. He chuckles and lets go of me.

     "Anything you'd like to do today?" he asks happily.
     I can't look at him. With his glasses on, he's adorable, but without them...well, let's just say he starts stirring things up that I wondered if they'd ever stir up again. I'm not comfortable with the stirring, so I look at the floor, out the window, the couch...the floor....out the window...
     "I...um...." I try to answer his question.
     "Let me go change while you think. Be right back," he says and leaves the room.
     I let out a big breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Will I ever go back to normal? I think with my hand on my forehead, and I go have a seat on the couch. Tired but used to it, I decide to lie down on his couch and rest my eyes for a minute until Emmett comes back.

Emmett Crews

     I walk back into the living room to find Jenny asleep on my couch. I'd only been gone a few minutes!

     Being very careful not to disturb her, I sit down next to her. This woman has a talent for sleeping. For weeks, that was all she did when we, her family and I, weren't trying to get her to eat.
     If I felt more comfortable about it, I'd run my fingers through her hair; however, I restrain myself. I doubt I'll ever forget when I'd gone back inside to try and comfort her and she'd started screaming. Everything I tried to do only made her scream more. It scared the life out of me. Later, once Mr. Keilani had gotten her to bed, Justin told me that Jenny sometimes has extreme difficulties handling what life throws at her. What happened to her would scar anyone, but that jerk did more damage to her than just a bruise on her cheek.
     In a way, I blame myself. Hugo had warned me to stay away. Before he'd moved in, I'd tested her to see if the attraction she held for me in high school was still around. When I pushed the smallest amount, she backed away like a frightened rabbit, so I stopped and kept things at a friendly acquaintance level. Well, except for when she gave me the painting. I couldn't resist hugging her again that day she gave me the second one. Somehow, Hugo found out about that, and I think that made him lose it. It's my fault.
     Still, if he was going to snap that easily...she's better off without him.

     I fantasize about tracing her lips with the tip of my finger. I won't dare do it, but I can't keep from daydreaming.
     I was such a fool in high school, I think for the billionth time. I'd thought she was a punk, someone I could never have anything in common with, and that she'd somehow wind up being a bad influence on me, all because of a hairstyle. Stupid, stupid, shallow teenager was I.
     We still don't have very much in common, but in a way, it's a good thing. We broaden the other one's horizons. She gets me off my computer and out into the world, and I'm helping her find her inner gamer. She's an archer, not a healer. We still need a healer, but the trio works if we're careful. Her brother tanks, and I'm the mage.

     "I'm sorry I make such boring company that I put you to sleep," I say just loudly enough to try and make it through the fog of sleep. I hope she realizes I'm joking.

     "Mmm? What? Oh no! Did I sleep for too long? How long? Don't let me sleep like that!" she mumbles quickly.
     "Nah. It was only about ten minutes," I answer with a little laugh. Sometimes, she reminds me so much of a little girl.
     "Ten minutes? It feels like I've been asleep for hours," she replies, and I get a little bummed out that she's going to sit all the way over on the other side of the couch. It's a little thing, but I know I shouldn't scoot towards her. I don't want to do anything that would freak her out.

      She scoots towards me, and I can't help my smile.
      "Sorry," she says. "I get so tired easily." She reaches up and rubs the back of her neck and shoulders.
     "It's fine, really," I quickly say to reassure her. "If you want to go home and sleep, that's fine. You won't hurt my feelings." Well, only because it'll be what you need when in actuality, I'd be bummed.
     Her eyebrows crinkle her forehead as she keeps rubbing the back of her shoulders. "I don't want to sleep my life away." After a little pause, she asks, "Would you see if you can work out this crink in my neck? I can't get the right angle to get it. I think I did something during my power nap." She slightly turns away from me, wordlessly gesturing for me to rub her shoulders.

     Hands, don't shake! I command. She immediately relaxes when I start gently massaging her shoulders. While I do it, I imagine pushing her hair aside and kissing the back of her neck. I'd never do it, but I let my mind go there.
     I want Jenny to trust me, but I realize that could take a very, very long time. I can wait. After all, I'd thought I'd lost before it began when Hugo moved in. I'd repeatedly cursed my younger self, knowing that was the moment I'd blown it. A's, B's, whatever: It didn't matter! Justin even made the occasional C, and he and I are in the same job. It wasn't like the game had a university!

     "A little to the left," she says and tries to point to where it bothers her the most.
     "Oh. Okay," I say simply and go to where she directs. To be honest, I don't want to hurry up and fix it because when it's fixed, I'll have to stop. I could spend the rest of the evening doing this...but... that might not be the best plan. I already want to wrap an arm around her waist and turn her head enough so that I can kiss her smiling lips. I've always liked her lips. She has a quirky smile that I hope never goes away.
     She scoots away the tiniest bit, and I drop my hands and try not to be sad the moment is over.

     My momentary sadness evaporates when that quirky smile shows up. "Thanks," she says.
     "No problem." I smile back at her. "So, what would you like to do today?"
     Her hand reaches up, and her fingertips run along her forehead. I worry about the disappeared smile. "Uh..." She runs her palm down her cheek. Then, it comes up to cover her eyes as she continues, "Um, talk."
     I mentally hear a warning siren start sounding. That 'talk' she said sounded like 'talk about us,' and I need to make sure she knows she doesn't have to. I hate seeing her uncomfortable.
     "Jenny-" I start, but she interrupts me.
     "We've been spending a lot of time together." She acts determined to talk anyway, even with her apparent nervousness. I really don't want her to push herself into a panic. Somehow, she has to see that this isn't necessary!

    "That's okay, right? Am I asking too much? You know you have an open invitation, but if you don't feel like coming over, it's fine." Uh! How do I tell her I don't want to push her in any way without actually saying it like that?!
     "Emmett, please let me finish," she says in a huff, and I get quiet. "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. I'm never again going to do stuff I don't want to do because I feel like I have to, at least like that." She pauses to collect herself, and I sit on a bed of nails, waiting to hear what she has to say. "We've become really good friends," she says, and my heart rips a tiny amount. "But... Well... And I'm not saying that's a bad thing!" She says the last sentence very quickly.
     "Okay," I get in. I wish I could figure out how to stop her from making herself so uncomfortable.
     "But, I, um... I want to know...because I worry that..." She slaps her hand down on her thigh.

    My heart about ready to beat out of my chest, I take an enormous risk and reach over to take her hand. I can't let her be the only one taking a risk here, and I want to make her stop worrying. However, my biggest fear becomes whether or not I'm right.
    She stops fretting, and I get rewarded by that smile again.

     Encouraged, I take her hand and bring it to my other one, now holding it with both of mine. I use her words. "We have been becoming really good friends, but the second you want more, I will very happily take that next step with you." Her hand starts shaking, and I debate whether or not I should let go, whether or not she'd see that as me pushing her away.
    "So it's... It's not like last time," she says quietly.
    I imagine myself taking her face in my hands and kissing her. "No. Remember? I told you I was just a dumb kid." I loosen my grip of her hand, silently letting her know she can take her hand back if she needs to.

     She responds to that by putting her other one on top of mine. My heart soars by that small message, and when I happily look up at her face, I see a very relaxed look in her eyes.
     "I'm not ready for... a lot of stuff," she says carefully.
     "I know," I rapidly get in. "But you were wondering."
     She nods her head yes.
     I feel my chest expand and stay that way as I say, "Don't wonder anymore."

Lemming 2.4: Shocked

WARNING! Sensitive issues in this chapter!

     The Maker is pissed off. This is supposed to be the picture I'd painted of the gardener in the garden, but She'd played a different save, and that character painted this picture. Yet, it ended up in my living room! My painting is gone. Gone forever.

     Hugo comes over, and we decide to stay at my place this evening.

     "I have an apology to make," he tells me unexpectedly.
     "Huh?" I ask and smile.

     "About constantly trying to get you to move in with me," he explains.
     "Well, you're not constantly..." I say, but he doesn't look like he needed my interruption.
     "It's just...Jenny, I love you. I always have, and I can't wait to start our life together. But I've also been pushing it since you live next to Emmett. I've been apprehensive about it because I've worried you would start wanting him over me, and you've done nothing, nothing to deserve that, to deserve me thinking that about you."
      "Hugo, we're together. I would never cheat. Cheaters never win, and I want to be happy," I explain.

     "I'm not saying you'd cheat," he says, and he doesn't look annoyed as he smiles at me.
     "Then what?"
     "If you don't want to move in with me yet, why don't you move somewhere else?" he suggests.
     "I like this apartment." I get an idea. "What if you move in with me?" I don't know what made me say that. I just want Hugo to be more secure. Maybe if we live together, he'd stop feeling so worried. I wouldn't have to move out of my great apartment, and he could be happy that we're living together.

     Hope explodes behind his eyes as he asks, "Do you mean that?"
     I shrug then nod. "Yeah. We could try it."

     He quickly takes in a happy breath and kisses me...and kisses me...and kisses me. What am I doing?! I didn't want this! I've been fighting against this for weeks, and I suddenly decide to let Hugo move in with me?! How did that happen?
    I just want him to be happy.

     "I didn't start this conversation in hopes that you'd say that. I want you to know that," he says cautiously, but the light in his eyes dances with happiness.
     "I know," I say, even if I still wonder if he was trying to steer the conversation that way.
     "What made you change your mind about living together?"
     I shrug. "I don't know other than it never occurred to me that you could move in with me instead of the other way around. I didn't want to move." I hide my other feelings, deciding to act like what I said is the entire truth. It would be cruel to take back what I said and tell him I don't really want him to move in.

     He chuckles. "Well, I don't mind moving one bit if here is where you want us to be...together. I'd move to the ends of the earth for you."
     "Awwwww," I say in a really girlie way. That girlie 'awww' gets interrupted by a surprised gasp when he starts running his hand up my inner thigh.

     "I think I'm really going to like living here," he says in a sultry voice.
     "Hugo!" I gasp and squeeze my legs together.
     He laughs quietly. "What?" His hand keeps trying to go where I don't want it to go right now.
     "Quit it!" I complain as I try to move his hand. It stubbornly stays put.
     "I'm only exploring the benefits of living together...like woohoo every night," he says playfully.
     "Every night?" I ask with an iron grip on his wayward hand.
     "If I can help it," he says quickly and kisses me to stop my reply.
      He eventually gets what he wants, and I have to admit I can't complain...even if I did only want to watch a movie and cuddle.

     So, Hugo happily moves in, and I almost feel like a married couple. He kisses me every morning on his way to work; I paint then fix dinner; he comes home, and we eat; we watch a movie or play a game before going to bed and woohooing.
     They say you really get to know a person when you live with them. Hugo, plenty of times, is the same guy I've always known, someone who loves me to pieces and would do anything for me, but I also meet a part of him I don't really like. This part of him likes things just so, and he complains if things don't go like he wants them to. For instance, one day, I lost track of time and forgot to fix dinner. He didn't get 'angry' about it, but he did nothing but complain about everything until there was food on the table. Another day, I casually mentioned Emmett in conversation, and he got a strange glare to his eyes. I quickly changed the subject and learned not to talk about him. I don't like Hugo upset.
     I only rarely get a glimpse of Emmett as he comes to and from work. The rest of the time, he stays in his apartment. Sometimes, I wonder if he'll work from home and come out and sit with me while I paint like he occasionally would before, but he never does. I start to miss him.
     After I finish another painting of the secret lot, I decide to knock on his door to give it to him. He smiles brightly when he sees me, but I can't help but notice that he keeps a polite distance, more than he used to. He thanks me profusely for the painting and gives me a simple hug before making up some excuse that I should go. I get the point and leave; I need to fix dinner anyway.
     The entire time I cook dinner, I muse over Emmett's behavior. I can't help but worry he's depressed; I got a definite vibe from him that he is. It's no fun to be depressed. I remember.
     I'm startled when Hugo comes home early. I go to greet him like he likes and then tell him I need to finish dinner.

     "What did you paint today, baby? Can I see?" he asks in a leading way.
     "Oh, it wasn't anything special. I gave it away," I tell him. With that look in his eyes, I don't want to tell him I gave it to Emmett. If he didn't have that look, I wouldn't worry about it. What's wrong with giving him a painting? I still don't want him to make something of it.
     "To...your brother? Your dad maybe?" he asks, and ice shoots through my veins.
     "Hugo, what's happened to you?" I ask instead of answering his question. I miss the old you.
     "Who did you give it to?" he asks again in a stronger voice.
     "Why are you talking to me like that? Looking at me like that? I did nothing wrong, and you're acting like I did, like I'm some errant child."
     "I wanna know why you're not just telling me who you gave it to!" he yells, and I get mad.

     "Fine!" I loudly yell back. "I gave it to Emmett! There! Are you happy now?!"
     "No! Because it took me this long to get the truth out of you!" His voice gets even louder.
     "It's not a big deal! It's just a painting!"
     "It's part of our income! And you're just going to give it away?! TO HIM?! While wearing THAT?!"
     "What's wrong with what I'm wearing? It's hot; I'm comfortable!" My heart hammers in my chest, and I breathe fast as I try to keep up with it.
     "What's 'wrong with it' is that it gives him the wrong idea." His voice mimics mine as he continues, "Oh Emmett, look at me in my sexy crop top!" He prances around in front of me with his hands on his hips. "Put your pasty, white hands all over me, please!"
     "Stop it," I growl and try to get him to move his fists off his hips by pulling on them. "And just so you know, he kept a very polite distance!"
     "But you didn't!" he yells, his face screwing up in his anger. His fists get off his hips and stay clenched at his sides.
     "How do you even know about this?!" I fire at him.
     "Never mind! That's not the issue here! I told you to stay away from him! He makes me crazy, and you know it! Yet you still went over there!"
     "He's our neighbor!"
     "I want to move!"
     "Not because of this!" I scream. "You know what?! You're being ridiculous! I don't have to do what you say. If you don't trust me, that's your problem, not mine."
     "Stay away from him, Jenny, and that's final!" he loudly says into my face, towering over me in an attempt to intimidate me.
     I glare up at him. "No!" I reply sternly. "And don't think you glaring at me like that is going to frighten me into submission. If I want to go over and give my neighbor a painting, I go over and do it. There's nothing you can do to stop me! Why can't you just-"
     He backhands me across the cheek, hard, very hard, forcing my head to turn with it, and I lose my balance and stumble before I make myself stand straight again. The ring on his finger gave the strike extra power. I hear myself let out a shocked noise before blood starts pounding in my ears. Beyond that, there's only the sound of my own breathing as I start feeling the pain.

     Sounding like it's coming from down a long, dark tunnel, I hear Hugo's voice. "Oh god! Jenny?" He sounds broken.
     He hit me, I think simply, not capable of a longer thought.
     He takes my hand, still trying to get my attention. "Jenny? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Baby, I'm sorry. Oh god, what have I done?"
     My cheek starts throbbing.
     Suddenly, the front door gets thrown open, and I hear Emmett asking in a panicked voice, "What's going on?!"
     Hugo sounds angry when he snarls, "Beat it, Emmett. This is none of your business." He won't let go of my hands so that I can touch my face. His voice gets directed at me now as he says pleadingly, "Jenny, it was an accident."
     "Accident my ass!" Emmett loudly says and tries to snatch my hands out of Hugo's.
     "No, Jenny, baby, listen to me-" Hugo pleads.
     I push him away. He lets me, his mouth agape and his eyes wide. He takes a step back, breathing heavily in a panicked way. I turn towards Emmett, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Hugo fist his hands and hold them on the sides of his head like he wants to beat what just happened out of his brain. I hear him whisper 'it was nothing; it was an accident' to himself over and over again.

     "What has he done to you?" Emmett quietly asks me. I don't know if he expects me to answer. He reaches up to very gently run the backs of his fingers down my throbbing cheek; I almost don't feel it at all.
     Hugo speaks up in a scared yet angry voice. "Emmett, you need to leave."
     No! I yell in my own mind, not able to find my voice to say it. I don't want Hugo to talk his way out of this. He hit me! How could he?! Tears start forming in my eyes.
     Emmett turns to Hugo to say, "I'm not the one who needs to leave."
     "I knew it!" Hugo yells. "You're cheating on me!"
     "Have you lost your mind?!" Emmett yells back. "She'd never do such a thing! How dare you stand there and accuse her of anything after what you've done?!"
      The tears spill out of my eyes, and they sting my cheek where it's tender. What just happened? Why?...Why why why?
      Hugo steps towards me and begs, "Jenny, please. I'm sorry. I lost it. Please, let's sit down and talk about this." He goes to sit in the chair. "Come here."
     No. I turn and face away from him.

     "Talk about this?!" Emmett snarls. "Nobody's talking to anybody. You're leaving if it takes me calling the cops to do it!"
     "You got nothing on me," Hugo growls.
     "Oh I don't?!" Emmett lets out and takes in quick breaths. "What about the argument I couldn't help but hear through the wall? And Jenny's cheek!"
     "Leave," I say quietly, my heart breaking.
     "Jenny-" Hugo starts to say.
     "I want you to leave." I start shaking.
     "No. Talk to me," he begs.
     "Get out!" I yell and put my face in my hands. I don't want to see Hugo's face; I don't want to see the man I'd fallen in love with looking so panicked that he hit me and hurt that I'm asking him to leave.
     "I didn't mean to! It was an accident! Please! You've got to understand that!" He gets up and grasps my elbows.
     I snatch myself away, also uncovering my face in the process. "Don't touch me!" I scream at him. Then, I see what I didn't want to see: the awful pain in his eyes.
     "I love you," he whispers.
     I start bawling and simultaneously pushing on his chest. "Leave! Get out of my apartment!"
     His face collapses, and he takes several steps back, letting me push him.
     "Go!" I scream at him and push him out the door. Emmett follows him, I guess to make sure he leaves.

     They have a quieter argument on the front porch, but I don't hear what's said as I stand in the middle of my living room in a daze. Everything looks more vibrant...in a scary way like from a movie when they'd do freaky camera tricks. I turn my head, and the room takes its time moving to my new view of it, leaving movement lines in its wake.
      A strange noise comes from somewhere, some kind of wailing, and it gets louder.
     Hugo is... No... It's... But... Who?...What now? I can't. How?
     I don't know. I break down into sobs and curl up on the floor. Emmett comes in after a little bit and tries to get me up, and I start screaming, afraid of what will happen if he touches me.
     "Jenny! It's okay," he says, trying to calm me down, but it doesn't work. I keep screaming as everything constantly changes colors around me. I have to get away: I know that much. Emmett can't touch me. No!

     The next thing I know, Daddy is here, and he's helping me to bed. I hear Justin talking to Emmett in the kitchen, saying he'll sleep in the living room tonight, Justin that is. I get a deathgrip on Daddy's shirt so he won't leave, and he ends up sleeping next to me, making the boogeyman go away.

     I do a lot of sleeping. Once, I wake up because I can hear Daddy yelling. It sounds like he yells at Hugo because I think I hear his voice in between Daddy's. I stay on my bed, curled up into a ball, while I worry that Daddy is going to kill him. A few hours, I think, later, Justin comes in and mumbles to me that Hugo wants his clothes, so they're going to burn them. He leaves out the back door, headed to my backyard.
     Daddy wants me to move back in with him, but I don't want to. This is my place! I don't want to leave. I refuse to do anything anymore that I haven't decided on my own to do. When I tell him that, he backs down. I'm so relieved.

     Emmett visits a lot, looking relieved that I don't freak out anymore because he's him. Still, I always do my best to hide my face from him every time he comes over. The pained look in his eyes every time he sees my healing bruise tears my heart out. I can tell he tries not to look because he can probably guess I don't want him seeing, so he makes an effort not to stare.
     Like today, he sits facing away from me and talking about anything from what sports team my dad is going on and on about, trying to get him and Justin into it, to the weather outside.
     "I think I want to go outside today," I say quietly, and he turns around in surprise. I've hardly left my apartment. Well, I've hardly left my room.
     "Um, yeah, okay. Like I said, it's a pretty day outside if you want to."
     I actually smile. Then, I work on sitting up. I haven't had the best eating habits lately, so my head swims for a second, making me off-balance.

     He sees me wobble as I scoot across the bed. "Are you okay?" I think he asks in a broad-spectrum kind of way, but he uses my being off-balance as an excuse. He looks like he's ready to stand up and give me more space at a second's notice.
     "I will be," I tell him with a tiny smile.