Lemming 2.5: Wondering

     Two months have passed since that awful day Hugo struck me. The first two weeks, I spent the entire time in my bed, hardly eating and mostly sleeping. I couldn't handle my destroyed trust in the world. Hugo was supposed to be my hero, not an attacker. Dad, Katherine and my little brother Mickey, Justin, and Emmett would visit me frequently to help take care of things and me. Mom visited a few times, but her advice was always so scattered. She's even crazier than me. Many, many times, Hugo tried to visit, hoping I would talk to him, but he could never make it through the wall of my protectors.
     Eventually, I agreed to meet and talk to Hugo at the park. That man is destroyed, and it broke my heart to see him like that. But I couldn't take him back even though I really do believe he just lost control of his temper for a split second.
     "In that split second, my life ended," he'd told me before hiding his face for a minute.
     I told him that I can't ever trust him again. I can't be with him anymore because I would always wonder if his temper would flare up out of his control and he'd hurt me again, maybe even worse that what he did.
     Even with everything that happened, I hated seeing him in so much pain. The Hugo I loved is still in there, that fantastic person who brought me out of my depression and made me feel like the most wonderful woman on the planet. But, I also found out about the other side of him.
     Katherine called it passive-aggressive when I told her about all the things that would happen, all the things that I was 'supposed' to do in order to keep him happy. She told me about her ex-husband and all the things he'd do, and she told me that I did a good job in getting Hugo out of my life.
     "Neither was Jack!" she told me after I'd insisted that Hugo wasn't all bad. "Otherwise, I would never have married him. It took me ages to finally let myself see the bad in him."

     Today, I'm going to visit Emmett. His face lights up every time he sees me, and...I like it. I don't want to let myself go any farther in my musings than just knowing that I like visiting him. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment later.
     But...if I don't find out for sure, I'll drive myself crazy.

     "Jenny!" he exclaims when he opens the door. "You're...a little earlier than I expected, but come in!"
     He's...still in his pajamas. I see his computer screen showing that game he's been getting me to play.
     He sees me looking at the screen, scratches his head, and grins sheepishly. "I guess I also lost track of time."
     "Oh-kay," I say slowly.
     He walks over, tells Justin through a microphone headset that he has to go, and turns off the computer.

     "Thank you for coming over today," he says quietly when he turns back my way. Then, he hugs me. It's a simple hug; I feel safer with Emmett than I might someone else.
     Emmett was instrumental in saving me that day, and that knowledge helps a lot. When I'd started freaking out and screaming, he'd called Justin, not knowing what else to do. Justin brought Dad. At first during those two weeks, I didn't want Emmett touching me, still having that sense of caution about what Hugo would think, but I didn't like that, that feeling like Hugo still controlled me. What I really liked was that Emmett was very careful not to touch me, maybe worried I'd start having a screaming fit again. The fact that he took pains to keep from any physical contact made me feel better, stronger. I decided, one day last week, to hug Emmett. He acted terrified the whole time, but even his caution then helped me.
     I'm nowhere near ready for anything romantic, but I can sense that I will be someday, even if right now it's hard to trust. I'd loved Hugo, and I still find it hard to believe what he did. I never would've guessed he had that in him. How can I know that anyone isn't also like that?
     "Well, I did have to move some other appointments around, but I was able to fit you into my busy schedule," I tease. He chuckles and lets go of me.

     "Anything you'd like to do today?" he asks happily.
     I can't look at him. With his glasses on, he's adorable, but without them...well, let's just say he starts stirring things up that I wondered if they'd ever stir up again. I'm not comfortable with the stirring, so I look at the floor, out the window, the couch...the floor....out the window...
     "I...um...." I try to answer his question.
     "Let me go change while you think. Be right back," he says and leaves the room.
     I let out a big breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Will I ever go back to normal? I think with my hand on my forehead, and I go have a seat on the couch. Tired but used to it, I decide to lie down on his couch and rest my eyes for a minute until Emmett comes back.

Emmett Crews

     I walk back into the living room to find Jenny asleep on my couch. I'd only been gone a few minutes!

     Being very careful not to disturb her, I sit down next to her. This woman has a talent for sleeping. For weeks, that was all she did when we, her family and I, weren't trying to get her to eat.
     If I felt more comfortable about it, I'd run my fingers through her hair; however, I restrain myself. I doubt I'll ever forget when I'd gone back inside to try and comfort her and she'd started screaming. Everything I tried to do only made her scream more. It scared the life out of me. Later, once Mr. Keilani had gotten her to bed, Justin told me that Jenny sometimes has extreme difficulties handling what life throws at her. What happened to her would scar anyone, but that jerk did more damage to her than just a bruise on her cheek.
     In a way, I blame myself. Hugo had warned me to stay away. Before he'd moved in, I'd tested her to see if the attraction she held for me in high school was still around. When I pushed the smallest amount, she backed away like a frightened rabbit, so I stopped and kept things at a friendly acquaintance level. Well, except for when she gave me the painting. I couldn't resist hugging her again that day she gave me the second one. Somehow, Hugo found out about that, and I think that made him lose it. It's my fault.
     Still, if he was going to snap that easily...she's better off without him.

     I fantasize about tracing her lips with the tip of my finger. I won't dare do it, but I can't keep from daydreaming.
     I was such a fool in high school, I think for the billionth time. I'd thought she was a punk, someone I could never have anything in common with, and that she'd somehow wind up being a bad influence on me, all because of a hairstyle. Stupid, stupid, shallow teenager was I.
     We still don't have very much in common, but in a way, it's a good thing. We broaden the other one's horizons. She gets me off my computer and out into the world, and I'm helping her find her inner gamer. She's an archer, not a healer. We still need a healer, but the trio works if we're careful. Her brother tanks, and I'm the mage.

     "I'm sorry I make such boring company that I put you to sleep," I say just loudly enough to try and make it through the fog of sleep. I hope she realizes I'm joking.

     "Mmm? What? Oh no! Did I sleep for too long? How long? Don't let me sleep like that!" she mumbles quickly.
     "Nah. It was only about ten minutes," I answer with a little laugh. Sometimes, she reminds me so much of a little girl.
     "Ten minutes? It feels like I've been asleep for hours," she replies, and I get a little bummed out that she's going to sit all the way over on the other side of the couch. It's a little thing, but I know I shouldn't scoot towards her. I don't want to do anything that would freak her out.

      She scoots towards me, and I can't help my smile.
      "Sorry," she says. "I get so tired easily." She reaches up and rubs the back of her neck and shoulders.
     "It's fine, really," I quickly say to reassure her. "If you want to go home and sleep, that's fine. You won't hurt my feelings." Well, only because it'll be what you need when in actuality, I'd be bummed.
     Her eyebrows crinkle her forehead as she keeps rubbing the back of her shoulders. "I don't want to sleep my life away." After a little pause, she asks, "Would you see if you can work out this crink in my neck? I can't get the right angle to get it. I think I did something during my power nap." She slightly turns away from me, wordlessly gesturing for me to rub her shoulders.

     Hands, don't shake! I command. She immediately relaxes when I start gently massaging her shoulders. While I do it, I imagine pushing her hair aside and kissing the back of her neck. I'd never do it, but I let my mind go there.
     I want Jenny to trust me, but I realize that could take a very, very long time. I can wait. After all, I'd thought I'd lost before it began when Hugo moved in. I'd repeatedly cursed my younger self, knowing that was the moment I'd blown it. A's, B's, whatever: It didn't matter! Justin even made the occasional C, and he and I are in the same job. It wasn't like the game had a university!

     "A little to the left," she says and tries to point to where it bothers her the most.
     "Oh. Okay," I say simply and go to where she directs. To be honest, I don't want to hurry up and fix it because when it's fixed, I'll have to stop. I could spend the rest of the evening doing this...but... that might not be the best plan. I already want to wrap an arm around her waist and turn her head enough so that I can kiss her smiling lips. I've always liked her lips. She has a quirky smile that I hope never goes away.
     She scoots away the tiniest bit, and I drop my hands and try not to be sad the moment is over.

     My momentary sadness evaporates when that quirky smile shows up. "Thanks," she says.
     "No problem." I smile back at her. "So, what would you like to do today?"
     Her hand reaches up, and her fingertips run along her forehead. I worry about the disappeared smile. "Uh..." She runs her palm down her cheek. Then, it comes up to cover her eyes as she continues, "Um, talk."
     I mentally hear a warning siren start sounding. That 'talk' she said sounded like 'talk about us,' and I need to make sure she knows she doesn't have to. I hate seeing her uncomfortable.
     "Jenny-" I start, but she interrupts me.
     "We've been spending a lot of time together." She acts determined to talk anyway, even with her apparent nervousness. I really don't want her to push herself into a panic. Somehow, she has to see that this isn't necessary!

    "That's okay, right? Am I asking too much? You know you have an open invitation, but if you don't feel like coming over, it's fine." Uh! How do I tell her I don't want to push her in any way without actually saying it like that?!
     "Emmett, please let me finish," she says in a huff, and I get quiet. "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. I'm never again going to do stuff I don't want to do because I feel like I have to, at least like that." She pauses to collect herself, and I sit on a bed of nails, waiting to hear what she has to say. "We've become really good friends," she says, and my heart rips a tiny amount. "But... Well... And I'm not saying that's a bad thing!" She says the last sentence very quickly.
     "Okay," I get in. I wish I could figure out how to stop her from making herself so uncomfortable.
     "But, I, um... I want to know...because I worry that..." She slaps her hand down on her thigh.

    My heart about ready to beat out of my chest, I take an enormous risk and reach over to take her hand. I can't let her be the only one taking a risk here, and I want to make her stop worrying. However, my biggest fear becomes whether or not I'm right.
    She stops fretting, and I get rewarded by that smile again.

     Encouraged, I take her hand and bring it to my other one, now holding it with both of mine. I use her words. "We have been becoming really good friends, but the second you want more, I will very happily take that next step with you." Her hand starts shaking, and I debate whether or not I should let go, whether or not she'd see that as me pushing her away.
    "So it's... It's not like last time," she says quietly.
    I imagine myself taking her face in my hands and kissing her. "No. Remember? I told you I was just a dumb kid." I loosen my grip of her hand, silently letting her know she can take her hand back if she needs to.

     She responds to that by putting her other one on top of mine. My heart soars by that small message, and when I happily look up at her face, I see a very relaxed look in her eyes.
     "I'm not ready for... a lot of stuff," she says carefully.
     "I know," I rapidly get in. "But you were wondering."
     She nods her head yes.
     I feel my chest expand and stay that way as I say, "Don't wonder anymore."