Chain Reaction: 2.54: Earn Every Second

Emily

     Whaow. ... A regular "wow" just won't work. It's WHAOW.

     That nervous/jittery feeling I had up on the roof while Alex kissed me has just exploded to a point that I almost can't take it. I hope he can't tell.

     Is this really happening? I mean, this is Alex here. Alexander Goth! And ME?

     I've known him all my life, ever since I was a child. It's like he never changed. Well, maybe he got a little older, but it doesn't really show with him like it does with Mom.

     How could someone like him possibly be interested in someone like me? This whole...idea is so strange to me. He was always one of the adults, but now, it's like he's pulling me up to him. I've always felt older than my actual age because I was a child prodigy, but now that I'm an adult, I feel my age--finally. Maybe I'm still older than my age, yet I just don't feel like it since the difference isn't as severe.

     The way he's looking at me! I feel like I can't breathe. That's weird because I AM breathing, probably too quickly. He's not even touching me and I feel lightheaded. Maker help me if he does. I might just faint like one of those silly girls in a ridiculous purple prose romance novel.

     Where did all this come from? Is he only interested in me because I look like Mom? No. That can't be. He's told me over and over again how he's not in love with her anymore. I could say that looking like Mom makes me his "type," but I don't think Alex has a type, at least as far as physical appearance goes. Mom, Laura, even Selena all looked different.

     Wh-wh-wh-whoa. He's just so intense! With Drake, I almost got the feeling he took me for granted, like I was supposed to be with him. Sometimes, it made it easier, simpler, but not always in a good way. With Alex, I feel like he's dying to earn every second. When he says "us," his breath breezes past my ear, and I get goosebumps. He starts kissing me down my jaw, and I fight to keep it together. I'm glad I'm sitting down. Memories of seeing him and how he was with Laura come flooding into my mind. Alex is incredibly romantic and not afraid to show it, and now, it looks like I'm the lucky recipient of that affection. I don't know if I can handle it.

     He...thinks I look like...Dad?
     I'm so happy with this revelation that I could hug him! Well, except that might push him over the edge he acts like he's teetering on and we'd be making out within seconds, and THAT would definitely be too much right now.
     This is just so strange! Alex is my boyfriend?! Or...is he? I've never had to bother wondering about these things. I mean, he did say "us" a little while ago in a way that leads me to believe he sees us as a serious relationship.

     "Come here," he says, and I could just melt. He smells so nice! He smells...expensive. Oh, that's a terrible way to describe it! But he does. I can't explain it. Maybe it's the way his clothing is laundered. Aftershave? Cologne? Anyway, it's also like...comfort, like security. I could stay like this the rest of my life.
     He starts talking about how Dad has a right to hate him. Ugh! Men!
     Wait...
     A sense of dread washes over me, slicing and shredding all the comfort and security I'd felt only moments ago.

      I sadly believe him. He tried to destroy my father? My daddy? Why did Dad never tell me this? He had the perfect opportunity, when he described his biggest fear being...what's happening right now. The way that conversation had gone, it was like Dad made it seem like he only hated Alex because he was in love with Mom.
      Alex's face looks like someone died. Me pulling away is crushing him, but I need a minute to wrap my head around this other persona Alex is describing to me. With everything he's said, I can easily believe Drake is his son. As he talks about what he did, I more easily picture Drake doing it.

     Guilt smeared all over his face, he scoots away from me. I have all this new knowledge. What do I do with it? It was a long time ago that all that stuff happened. Alex stopped. Dad recovered, became successful actually. Dad held onto his hatred because Alex loved Mom. Alex lost Laura because he still loved Mom at the time. He was really hurt when he lost Laura. He went around like a ghost for a year. Now, he claims he cares but doesn't love her. Who was he developing feelings for? There's someone else?!
     He gets up and acts like he's about to go hide and cry. I'm still trying to figure out who this other person was he was developing feelings...Oh snap! Some genius you are, Emily! He means YOU.
     My heart trying to pound out of my chest, all I can think is that I have to stop him from walking away.

      I don't have to say a word. He knows me so well that I don't have to. Instead, we stand here and hold onto one another. I wish I could tell him what I'm thinking, about these feelings taking off inside me, but I'm still nervous, unsure of myself.
      It's okay. I'll have time later. This Alex is now my Alex, and even though the very idea makes me lightheaded, I know that if I can just take it one tiny step at a time, I'll--

      He pounces again. Alex doesn't want tiny steps. That's not what this kiss says. This is INTENSE. Too much. I haven't a doubt that if we were wearing less clothing, this would escalate far out of control. I'm not used to this! And he is! With Drake, it was almost...clinical. With Alex, it's all-encompassing, inundating, ...drowning. I'm drowning.
      He has to learn I can't be like this yet!!!

      He wants me to look up at him. I don't want to look up at him. I'm afraid that if I do that he'll just kiss me like that again. He won't let me back away, only increasing my uneasiness. It's a possessive move, and although on some level I like it, on others I simply can't handle it, can't process it. I need time. Too much has been thrown at me at once. He's had who knows how long to realize his attraction to me. I've had a few hours to contemplate the possibility. That's just it--I'd never even thought this possible until he kissed me for the first time. It's pummeled me from all sides, and I need to take a step back. He's too intense right now.
     The hand on my cheek proves that he's lightened his intensity, and I relax some.

       His hand repeatedly strokes my face, and I find out that I'm not the only one with insecurities. Even though much older, Alex is full of them. He's had a crappy life in some ways, so I guess it makes sense.
      Oh. My pulling away just now somewhat scared him. He knows he overdid it.
      Plum. He loves me. The way he phrased his question couldn't mean anything else. He said how much I MEAN to him.
     That jittery feeling comes back so strong that I'm afraid I'll explode into tiny butterflies. I have never felt like this, ever.

      He adores me. I know when he looks at me that he sees everything: the quirky little girl; the inquisitive, over-emotional teen; and the grown woman just beginning to realize what love is.

      He's so cute when he needs reassuring. I hope that's not insulting, but it's true.

     Now to just figure out how to tell Daddy...

Click Newer Post or here to go to 2.55