Chain Reaction 2.53: Overwhelmed

Alex

     The weather turns a tad colder up on the roof, so I take Emily down to the living room. I have to put forth an effort to close my mind while passing the hot tub and then the bedroom. The living room is safer. Whether or not she would do anything this soon is irrelevant. I don't want things to start that way. She is far too precious to me to jump into anything.

     My mind is still reeling from the fact that she responded the way she did up on the roof. I can't believe I took such a risk. It's just she was standing there being so plumbing wonderful and selfless (and I can't begin to describe how refreshing that is) that I couldn't stop myself. I kissed her almost without thinking. As soon as my lips touched hers, I wanted to run, knowing for sure that I had made a grave error. But, luckiest of days! She claimed me kissing her was wonderful.

     Honestly, I think Emily is overwhelmed and desperately trying to hide it. She wants so badly to prove that she's ready for this, but I still have to wonder. For one...

     "There was something you had started wanting to say up there when I interrupted you," I prompt.

     "Which time?" she asks in a way only she can: just the right amount of sassy, sarcastic, ironic humor.

     I smile. I know her so well, and now, I get the opportunity to show her what it's like to be truly adored. I have to be careful, though. I have always felt a sense of innocence when it comes to her, something that not even Drake could take away.

     "The last time, I guess," I reply, doing my best to hide my deeper thoughts.

     "Oh."

      Uh oh. It was THAT kind of 'oh.'

      She looks at her hands, folding them in her lap. I'd guessed it was something I might not like to hear, but I'd rather get everything out in the open as soon as possible.

      "It's okay, Emily. You know you can tell me anything." I want so desperately to run my fingers through her hair again like I did on the roof, but I hold myself back. "Even if you think I won't like it."

      She sighs, and I know my guess is right: it's bad. "Well, it's just... My dad hates you."

      I take a deep breath. "Yes. I know. And I suppose now he'll hate me more than ever."

      "I wished he didn't. It's just he'll never be convinced that..." Her voice trails off.

      "That the last woman I'll ever want on this earth is your mother," I finish.

      She turns slightly to look at me, and I think of all the things I could tell her of who it is that I do want: her, this brilliant, kind, compassionate, beautiful, sexy woman.

       One of her hands moves off her lap to brace against the sofa. I guess she could read in my expression everything I just thought, and I was right: it was just a tad overwhelming. As badly as I want to, I don't move.

      Her breathing picks up speed. "Surely you know what he's going to think."

      I smile. "How many different ways he'd like to kill me?" Bring it on, Graham. I've fallen for your daughter.

      "He... He even told me one time that he'd been afraid something like this would happen."

      I stare at her lips. "That what would happen?" Do we really HAVE TO talk right now? It's just the way she's even breathing right now makes her irresistible.

      "Us."

      "Us," I repeat in a dreamlike way. My brain has started fogging up, getting drunk on her features. Only a small voice in the back of my head keeps me from ending the conversation.

      I think the small voice is losing.

      I lean over, putting my nose into her wonderful hair, as I say into her ear, "I like hearing you say 'us.'" I try to remember in what context she said 'us,' but somehow, it's not as important as it is smelling her shampoo. Lilac?

     I can tell she struggles as well, even if she has an easier time keeping a clear head. "He told me he feels guilty for falling in love with a teenager, and he fears something like this would be Karma's perfect revenge."

     Laughter bubbles up inside me. I had no idea Graham could be that melodramatic! As if me being attracted to his daughter has anything to do with him. I start kissing her down her jawline.

     "He's going to say you're only interested in me because I look like Mom."

     What?!

      That pulls me up short. "Are you serious?"

      "Well... I mean, I do look like her."

      I shake my head. "Not really. If anything, I think Karma is getting at me because of what I see of your father in you... if you want to bring Karma into it."

      A small smile graces her wonderful lips. "Really?"

      "Is that going to be his biggest argument? Well, other than the obvious one: he hates me."

      She nods. "I think so."

     "Come here." Holding her isn't absolutely necessary to the conversation, but I'm hoping that if I give myself this small thing that I can keep from overdoing it. Thank the Maker, she sinks right into my embrace. I wonder if she was really worried that I was only attracted to her because I was once foolishly in love with her mother. "I would hope you of all people would know I'm not in love with Brielle anymore. If anything, I can't stand her. Now, I'm actually worried I won't be able to get over my hatred of her in order to more happily date her wonderful daughter."

     Emily breathes out in a relieved way. "You don't hate her."

     I smile. She still can't help herself but want to fix things. "Well, I guess I don't hate her as much as your father hates me."

     She tenses again, and I realize I have to tell her the absolute truth--before this goes any further.

     After a deep breath, I tell her, "Your father has good reason to hate me, Emily."

     "No he doesn't."

     I smile sadly now at her argument. "I tried to destroy his life."

     She freezes, and a bolt of fear shoots through me. What if she can't forgive me for this? "What?"

     I launch into an honest but desperately-hopeful explanation. "I was young, spiteful, and angry. Um, rather like Drake is right now. The only difference is that Drake has no one that he'll let rein him in. Your mom stopped me before I could do more than what I'd already done, but what I'd already done was pretty bad." I tell her all about how I sabotaged Graham's job opportunities, about Graham and Brielle moving here to Eden, and how I followed them.

     She pulls. away. I want to cry when I see her look at me like she's never seen me before. So this is going to be my punishment for past deeds. I'm going to have the most wonderful woman on the planet for a mere few hours, long enough to know how fantastic it feels, before she grows so disgusted with me that she can no longer bear to look at me. I want to go back in time and strangle myself.

     Her growing disgusted with me will be no less than I deserve.

     "That's plenty of reason to hate you," she says gravely, and my heart sinks. "He didn't include that in everything he told me."

     I let her go. "I'm sorry." Here we go again. How foolish of me to think I could ever be happy. It's not that I'm cursed. It's that I don't deserve it.

     "That was a long time ago, before I was born. That's a long time to hate someone."

     "Right. And I gave him no reason to do otherwise. Up until a few years ago, I was convinced I never stopped loving Brielle. Then, I lost Laura because of it. That put everything, too lately, in perspective."

     "Do you still love Laura?"

     I pause. That almost sounded... jealous. I don't dare look at her. I don't dare hope. "Not really. I mean, I care about what happens to her, but I know we could never rebuild. No. Even though I struggled against it, I'd started developing feelings for someone else." Let me die. Now. I can't bear it anymore, so I get up.

     Selena was right. I'll never be happy. The only kind of woman I deserve is a gold-digger. How dare I so much as entertain the notion that I could ever have someone so special as Emily? Yes, I could love her. I could love her to pieces, but I'll never get the chance. I don't deserve a chance after everything I've done to her family.

     Please don't fall apart until you get to the kitchen!

     "Alex!" Her hand grabs my arm and spins me around. I take one glance at her before crushing her to me.

      She adjusts our positions so that she rests her head on my shoulder. I shake like I'm pathetic, unable to speak. Instead, I run my fingers through her magnificent hair. She doesn't speak to me, understanding somehow. I do everything I can to thank my lucky stars she didn't just walk out.

      "It's okay," she whispers.

      "No. It's not."

      "You're not the same person," her sweet voice says.

      F---! I love her!

      A surprised squeak comes out of her. I'm overdoing it, but I can't plumbing help it! The woman has no idea how plumbing wonderful she is! I decide right this moment that I'll do whatever I have to do to keep her, even if it means making friends with Graham--as if he'd let me. But the problem isn't going to be with me anymore. 

      No. Plum that. I am stealing his daughter if I have to! Sure, it'd be better if Graham and I could play nice, but if we can't, it won't stop me.

      She jerks back.

     She tries to step away, not saying anything. She doesn't need to. But I won't let her completely pull back.

     "I overdid it," I state.

     She doesn't look at me.

     I'm such a plum-head. She's still reeling from the stuff I told her earlier. Then, she does her best to let it go, and I attack her like a woohoo-crazed imbecile.

     "Emily..." If she would just LOOK at me, she might catch on that I'm hopelessly in love with her.

      Alex, she gets easily overwhelmed. She's only ever been with your idiot as*hole of a son. She can't comprehend someone feeling this deeply for her.

      I reach up and gently stroke her face. She blinks slowly.

      "You're right. I'm not the same person. Thank you for pointing that out. You have no idea what that means to me." I pause. "Do you..." I'm an idiot. "...have any idea..." Why do I do this to myself? "...how much you mean to me?" I'm still unsure if she's really forgiven me for what I did to Graham, and here I am ready to lay my heart out. Maybe I haven't changed that much.

     "Well," she starts to answer like it's a question on a quiz, "you said I'm wonderful. You've used the word extraordinary. There have been other things that I can't remember right now for some reason."

     I tilt my head and very gently kiss her. Thank the Maker, she responds.

      "That's close enough," I tell her, teasing.

      She smiles that slight smirk of a smile she does. "I need to get home," she tells me sadly.

      I nod. "Just so I don't go crazy, we're okay, right?" Geez! I sounded like an insecure child just now!

      Judging from her expression, she doesn't agree with my thought. She nods. "Yes. It's just a lot for me to combine in my head."

      I take my turn nodding. Then, a thought hits me. "Let's, um, figure out a way to break this to your father before we tell him. Whatever we do, I want us to do it together, united."

      "You're saying don't just up and tell him without some plan in place," she translates.

      I sigh. "Yes. Honestly, I never expected to have to try to figure out how to do this. We need to come up with something, some gentle way to do it." I inwardly smirk when I think how I have to be every bit as gentle with the father as I do the daughter--in different ways but still gentle. I kiss her nose. "I'll call you tomorrow?"

     "You'd better," she teases and kisses me. I successfully hold back, and the love of my life leaves to go back home to her father who hates me.

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