Chain Reaction 2.31: For Us

Alex

     Emily hugs me. Like what she told me earlier, the hug is unexpected. I strangely want to squeeze her and cry.

     Brielle, how could you still do this to me? Will I ever be immune?

     "I'm going to go see if Drake needs any more help."

     "Okay," I reply. As the girl happily bounces down the stairs, I want to strangle both her parents. They have the perfect plumbing daughter, but that's not enough, is it? No. Brielle wants another child. Two babies with that sonofab*tch aren't enough.

      And the worst part is how it still affects me.

     Laura is at a meeting with a client, so I don't worry about her walking in and seeing me in this state. She's always suspicious lately.

      It's not fair. It's not right. I have a beautiful wife whom I love. I have a bright son who's taken to the family business like the proverbial duck to water. He really picked up the finer points of hacking that I'd taught him a few weeks ago, just before Brielle's party.

     Brielle...

     Dammit! Will this ever stop? I have a great life! It's time to let go of the dream of another one I had!

     I thought I had let go of it.

     But all it took was Emily telling me about overhearing the two of them talking about having another child for it all to come soaring to the surface.

     There has to be a way I can permanently cure myself of this sorrow. Brielle has made it abundantly clear that she will only ever want Graham. Something has kept me from fully accepting that, no matter how much I thought I did.

      I have to make this stop before it truly ruins my life. This is going to hurt like the worst pain imaginable, but there is no other way. It's threatened my marriage a few times already, and I cannot allow it to do so anymore.

     My friendship with Brielle has to end. I've tried. I have tried to just be friends with her, but apparently, I can't. It's going to be a tad difficult should Drake and Emily wind up married, but I'll manage. I have to figure out how. Seeing her even infrequently doesn't help. I have to turn infrequent into almost never. Never. There's that word again.

     I call and invite her over here, still afraid of Graham, especially should he hear this conversation. It will prove he was right all along.

       She arrives, looking tragically beautiful as always but even more so upon seeing my expression. "What is it, Alex? You said you had something you wanted to talk about."

      "I do." How the plum did I ever think friendship with her would work? I didn't. I was desperate to hang onto anything I could with her, and it's done nothing but hurt me. I sigh. "I can't do it anymore, Brielle."

      "Do what?" she asks. I imagine her holding yet another of Graham's children, and my insides feel like I'm being disemboweled, ripped out, before the horses draw and quarter me and then my head is mercifully cut off. Except it will be my heart on a pike for all the world to see.

      "Remain friends," I finish.

      "Alex, no..." She sounds crushed. "You're the best friend I've ever had. You've always been there."

      "I can't be there anymore. It's just gotten to be too much. I can't pretend I'm not in love with you anymore. I tried." I can't look at her. Doing so would crush me completely and probably destroy my resolve to see this through to the end.

      "But you love Laura." She stubbornly holds onto her reasoning. I think she's always known I never stopped loving her. I don't know if that makes her cruel or compassionate that she agreed to continue our friendship even though I always wanted more.

      "Yeah. I do. But I can't love her completely as long as you're in the picture. The sad thing is I think she knows this. It'll destroy my marriage if I don't put an end to our friendship." I glance at her. Mistake. "I'm sorry."

      She watches me, and I don't rush her to speak. Eventually, she asks quietly, "What about Drake and Emily?"

      "Just because our kids are dating doesn't mean we have to see each other...at all, really."

      "Alex, is this what you really want?"

     I have to be blunt. I can't leave any room for guesswork. Not anymore. "I want you, Brielle. I always have. I'm scared to death I always will. That's frightening because doing so will only lead me to sorrow. I have tried to reason away excuses to continue seeing you in some way, and friendship was one of them. Lately, the temptation has been getting stronger. Our children are almost grown. Ethan, Emily, and Drake were three very good reasons to stay away from you, but they'll be adults before we know it. Ethan already is. However, Emily says you and Graham are considering another child."

     From where she'd been wincing as I lay my heart out for her to trample on--again--now, she looks at me in shock. "And how does Emily know?"

     "Forgive me. She told me that in confidence. She overheard the two of you talking."

     "It's not been decided."

     "But you want one." Have mine! Run away with me. I'll give you the baby you crave. I'll give you the world. I can't stop my thoughts, and they break my heart further.

      "Yes," she admits.

      I put my hands over my face, hoping that will prevent me from saying my other thoughts, from pleading with her in a pointless effort only to have my dreams shattered once more.

      "He'll be unable to help himself but to give you what you want." I move my hands, and she sees in my eyes that I would gladly do the same.

      She starts crying. Maker, no. "What will I do without you, Alex?" she whines.

      "Brielle, please." My begging doesn't stop her.

      "You've been the closest thing to family I've had for most of my life."

      I have to stop this NOW before I do something I'll regret. I stand up straight and say sternly, "Then you have to find that in Graham. I can't just be your friend, Brielle. It's not possible. See you around." I dash into my house, run up the stairs, and cry into my pillow. Thankfully, Drake and Emily missed that. They were swimming in the pool the whole time.

       The next day, my beautiful wife walks into the kitchen. I'd been feeling a little ill from my crying fit. I'm hoping some orange juice would help.

      "Hello, darling," she tells me with a smile. She's so wonderful. I'm so lucky.

      "Hello, gorgeous," I reply, smiling as well. Then, I see a flash of anger, a storm brewing in her crystal grey eyes.

      Her face twists in rage. "Shouldn't you be calling Brielle that?!"

      "What are you talking about?" Plum, she's beautiful when angered, but wow, does she have a temper. I fear I do actually know what she's talking about. But how could she know?

      "Don't pretend you don't know! Don't insult me further! I SAW YOU yesterday!"

      "What are you talking about?" At least let me know what I'm being accused of. The only way I think she could've seen that yesterday is to have been walking down the sidewalk. She might've been walking home from the park where she had the meeting. It was a pretty day.
      What she says next confirms that she did indeed see...and hear...what happened.

      Her voice flies upward in a mocking pitch. "Oh, Brielle! I can't be friends with you anymore because I still love you!"

      This is bad. This is really bad. I have two choices here: deny or confess. If I deny saying that, she could prove me wrong. If I confess, she could walk out the door. If I successfully deny it, she could find out later that she didn't mishear that and then walk out on me. "Laura. You don't understand. I love you." 

      "Plum off."

      "Fine. A version of that conversation happened yesterday, but let me tell you why it happened before you fly off the handle." I was careless. There I was, standing on my front porch for plum's sake!

      "Oh, I'm so far off the handle that I can't see it anymore."

      "Yeah. I see that. Did I end my friendship with Brielle? Yes! But it's because I love you, and it was putting a strain on our marriage."

      " 'It' being that you can't stop loving her."

      "Laura..." How do I explain this to her? I love her! I can't help it that this deep affection for Brielle refuses to leave me in peace.

      "I can't take it anymore, Alex! I'm tired of being second fiddle! I'm worth more than a consolation prize!"

      I don't like where this is going. "Laura, please. I did it for us." I'll never make her understand how much I love her.

      "It's the very fact that you had to do it that gets me. In order for you to love me like I deserve, you had to break your friendship with Brielle?"

      "Yes," I whisper, admitting the truth. "But-"

      "All this time... All this time..." She lets out a huff. "I'm done, Alex."

      My feet feel glued to the floor with guilt. "No, Laura, please."

      "Save it. I'm out of here. Keep your eyes out for my lawyers." She spins around and walks out.

      "Laura!" I cry and finally can move my feet. I let my orange juice fall to the floor, and the glass shatters. I don't care. I race outside just in time to see her vanish at the edge of the sidewalk.

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