Chain Reaction 3.1.19: Ghosts of the Past

Alex

     Oh no.  

     The other day, Emily was on the phone and crying. I later found out that it was a reconciliation attempt from her mother.

      I knew this was coming.

      Before my abduction, I was able to fully live in the denial, the notion that I hated Brielle. AD shattered that illusion. And now I have to deal with the consequences. The past few months, I was able to avoid the topic, even mentally, since Emily and Brielle were on bad terms.

     "Hello, Alex." She looks down, the guilt that she believed I'd killed her husband eating at her.

     "Hi." Dammit, Alex, she's your mother-in-law! No, she's not just that. She's my oldest friend, well, oldest acquaintance. She's the woman I spent the largest portion of my life obsessing over in one way or another. And I married her daughter. Yes, I can easily see how someone would find that disturbing.

     Because a small part of me still plumbing loves her.

     It's insane! I know! I'm not saying I don't love Emily or that I love Brielle more than Emily, but having AD shove into my face how those feelings never really went away...

     Never.

     Plum it all to hell.

     "How have you been?" she asks. How long was I standing here quietly? Well, she can't be surprised that things are awkward.

     "Well, I'm out of prison; I escaped an alien abduction;" where an alien hybrid proved I still love you, "and I'm trying to put my life back in order."

     She nods. "I'm sorry I believed you shot Graham."

     "I'm sorry for your loss." It occurs to me that Brielle is single, and I want to punch myself in the face. I want to scream. It's not fair! For decades, I'd wished that Brielle was single, and I tried many methods to make it happen. And now she is, but I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world... who needs to come downstairs.

     I almost call for Emily, but Brielle distracts me. "I'd hoped we could talk before I see Emily." In other words, privately.

     "Okay." When was the last time we had a private conversation? I guess I'd subconsciously been very careful to always have someone else around. It had to have been that time on my front porch... when Laura overheard me telling Brielle I still loved her. That was a long time ago.

     And now I remember that one of my little plans was that if all else fails, Graham was so much older and would die before Brielle and me (barring the unforeseen), and then we could finally be together in our old age.

     I was almost as crazy as Drake.

     "If you would please forgive me for bringing up the past, I've been doing some thinking, and there are some things I'd like to say. They probably don't apply to anything anymore, but they need to be said."

     I'm wary. "Okay..."

     "I never got to truly apologize to Graham. In some ways, I was terrible to him." Huh? "My being friends with you hurt him. There were other things too, but that part applies to you as well. I'm sorry, Alex. When we were younger, you were always there for me, even when I didn't realize it, even when I didn't know I needed it."

     I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

     Ow. Are apologies supposed to hurt like this?

     For a moment, I worry that it's somehow AD standing there, but I know AD is locked up somewhere by the Sixams. And I know this is the real Brielle. But... those were AD's exact words, the words that in my thirties, I would've given anything to hear.

     Brielle should hear the truth, at least a portion of it. "It was because I loved you. Since we were kids."

     "I know, and I'm sorry. I was so wrapped up in myself, in my own pain, that I didn't handle things in a way that would spare your feelings. I let you get hurt, and then I dragged you through it by selfishly agreeing to remain friends."

     "What do you mean selfishly?"

     "I guess... You could say... Looking back on it, I liked it. Some part of me knew you still had feelings for me, and I decided to keep you around, even though the feelings weren't reciprocated." She pauses. "And that all but caused your divorce with Laura, bringing on more misery."

     She closes her eyes. "Our knowing each other helped me but only brought you pain. We can't change what happened, but I still need to apologize for my careless handling of the whole thing."

     "Brielle, you'd been through so much. You were raised by selfish people-"

     She interrupts me. "My sister Nyla was good. How come I didn't turn out like that?" Nyla was her shield against the tyranny and abuse they endured from their father. It was only after Nyla moved out did Brielle get the full force of the abuse, leading her to run away from home.

     "Because not everyone handles things the same way. Not everyone is the same. I guess you did about as good as could be. And look at me as an example." I let out a little 'hah' laugh. "Like I often say, I am no saint."

     Her eyes open. "But I worry I helped trigger that. That vindictiveness within you."

     She really does know me. That's what drives my darker side: vindication. "Perhaps. But honestly, I believe if it hadn't have been you, it would've been something else. I think it's just the way I'm put together."

     She nods, and we stand here quietly again. I believe she's waiting for me to say something. But... can I truly accept her apology? In many ways, she did her best to make my life harder, even if it was subconsciously done.

     I'm unable to tell her I'm over it all, but I do need to say something. "I admit, Brielle, this is quite a lot to take in. I'd ask if you had any idea how much I would've loved to hear all this forty or so years ago, but I know you do know. I can, at least, say that I appreciate you coming forward and saying all this. It helps a hurt that I didn't know was still there." Whoa! Too far. Plum. I can't take back my words.

    Her eyes go to the side, and just like I know she read between the lines there, I know her enough to know that she is reading between the lines. I need to add some clarity. And clear up another matter that might be a question in her mind.

     "But don't think you ruined my life. Recent events aside, I'm happy with the results. Our remaining friends meant that our children became friends, and I got to know Emily. I felt a connection with her from the moment I met her. It was on a much simpler level, but I knew she was special. I'd hoped that she and Drake would one day marry and that I could welcome her into my family, but my son turned out too much like my father. So I could no longer bear that thought. When she became an adult, I realized just how much connection was there, and I flew into a panic."

     She looks up at me, and I see the question in her eyes.

     "No. She was never a replacement 'you.' She's not like you. Maybe a few things here and there, but she doesn't have the same personality. Or even looks." I remember back to when I'd almost called a teenage Emily Brielle outside a nightclub one night, but I'd been confused by the shirt and the fact that Emily wasn't wearing her glasses. "It's only the strangest irony that she's your daughter." Fear not. Your daughter's heart is safe. 

     I'm suddenly flooded with the knowledge that everything I just told Brielle is true. Of course, I knew it was, but it especially fills me now. I love Emily. The love for Brielle is just a memory. I'll never be rid of it, but it's a candle against a raging forest fire. As Laura once put it: If Brielle came up to me right now and asked me to run away with her, would I go? The answer is no. Not a chance. Emily is my other half. My soulmate.

     I feel a ridiculous grin spread across my face.

      "You know, Brielle, come to think of it, you don't need to apologize after all. Everything that happened has led me here. I'll say I accept your apology if it makes you feel better, but really, I guess I should say thank you." The 'me' of my forties would blanch at what I just said, but now that I've seen the picture as a whole, I realize how lucky I am. The ghosts of my past can no longer hurt me, and I have Brielle to thank for that. I was tested, and I came out shining.

     She tries to smile, but I think she's a bit surprised by my sudden mood swing. Maybe she'll figure it out one day, maybe she won't. At any rate, I back up and call for my wife.

     Emily comes dashing down the stairs and practically attacks her mother with a hug.

     I guess that phone conversation must've done the trick for the two of them to reconcile. Perhaps they decided to let the past remain in the past. Emily has missed her mom, even though she may have been closer to her dad. She should love her mother while she still has her.

     And I don't want to think how Brielle will probably die before me thanks to what the Prexans did to me. Instead, I'll see it as more time with Emily.

     I let the two of them catch up while I doodle around on the piano. I'm still not very good. In fact, Alaric has managed to surpass me easily, but I still enjoy my fingers hitting keys that have nothing to do with programming, writing, or hacking.

     Emily wins their chess game. No big surprise there. Afterwards, she wants to cook an early dinner, and Brielle and I make our way over to the bar.

     We talk about random things like how she once worked as a bartender, and I am completely at ease. AD's attempt to mess with my head has finally ended.

     Alaric gets home from school, and I see that Brielle hasn't lost her knack for never taking the full blame for anything. She even gets an accepted apology from my Alaric, something he denied his uncle.
     I suppose that's unfair of me to think that about Brielle since she spent quite a bit earlier apologizing to me and taking blame for things I never thought she would. ... And there I go immediately taking away the blame for taking away the blame. I chuckle and drink more of my drink.

     Alaric takes her over to the piano where he plays a nocturne by Chopin. Like I said, he's surpassed me, and with surprisingly-little effort. I stand here and debate where this innate creative talent comes from. Brielle's side? She is his grandmother. But no one in her family showed outstanding artistic ability before. Her daughter-in-law Claire did, meaning Ethan's children have it, but...
     Ethan's children have children, making him a grandfather. That means Brielle is a great-grandmother. I look at her and see how her posture shows signs of her age. My age. She acts 71. I don't.
     My wandering thoughts lead me to a disturbing question: After what the aliens did to me, just how long AM I going to live?