Chain Reaction 3.1.18: Confessions

     Darrin sees me and happily walks over.

     "Hi, Mike! Did you sleep well? I made breakfast. I hope you don't mind. It's breakfast scramble. I've noticed you've been working out more, so I thought--protein. You know?" His voice sounds extra perky, kind of in a manic way.
     "Darrin... aren't you supposed to be at work right now?"
     "Oh." He waves his hand down. "I called in. I have to take the leave before it vanishes. I have the day off. Eat breakfast. I'm going to go change." He turns around before I can say another word.
     Sigh.
     I get dressed and dutifully get some eggs.

    Darrin quickly sits down across from me. Apparently, he'd already eaten. "Is it good?"
    I ponder the flavors. He used sausage. I don't think my stomach is going to like that. "Yeah. I just don't eat sausage anymore."
     "Oh. But you're not vegetarian, are you?"
     "No, no. I try to stay away from processed foods if I can." I have a very unappetizing memory of the last time I ate chocolate cake. It was probably loaded with preservatives.

     "You're so healthy now. I admire that about you." He's giving me an adoring look.
     I slam my fork down on the table. "Stop it, Darrin."
     "What?"
     "Stop it with the... the 'almost' relationship stuff." To his look, I elaborate. "The coming over all the time. Sleeping here. Eating here. The compliments. The... pajamas. The freaking out if I go upstairs or downstairs without telling you."
     "But... but Drake..."
     "Has it not occurred to you that I could call Uncle Alex and hire someone to watch the house?"
     "I'm... just... scared..."
     "Is that really all it is? This is unnecessary, Darrin. And I wonder if you have another motive."
     He gets upset now. "That what? That I'm trying to get us back together? You know I can't."
     "Then GET OUT!"
     "Fine." He gets up, walks over to the couch, throws things in his bag, doesn't zip it up, and storms out of the house.
      And I cry into my eggs.

     Friday night, I have my date with Ivy. Due to my emotional instability, which I hide from her, I don't try to get her home with me. I'm not ready. But I do like hanging out with her. And kissing her. And grabbing her ass.
      We've scheduled another date for Tuesday. We're going to meet at a park... and then go to her house for some 'SimFlix and Chill.' Hopefully by Tuesday, I'll be in a better emotional state.

     Saturday morning arrives, and I'm tired. Someone bangs at my door.

    Holy mother of plumbob. Why again?
    I sigh and open the door. He walks in, glaring at me.
    "What?"
    "You haven't hired a bodyguard."

     "You know, Uncle Alex called the police station and asked about the threat. They told him there wasn't anything reported."
     "Well, it wasn't officially reported because no one had any proof! Someone heard that he might hire a hitman."
     "You'd said he already had."
     "I assumed he did!"
     "He hasn't."
     "But he could at any moment, Mike. And I'm terrified."
     "You don't have to worry about me anymore, Darrin. I'm nothing but another civilian."

     "How can you say that to me? When you know that isn't true."
     I'm really getting pissed off, but my belligerent attitude hides it. For now. "Oh yeah? How? How do I know that? As I recall, you said don't call you if I felt I was in danger. That made it quite clear you didn't care."
     "That's not true! I couldn't stop caring if I tried. Dammit, Michael! I was hurting! I was angry! But I can't rest unless you're safe!"

     I am totally and completely pissed off now. "You getting enough sleep at night is no longer my concern. And do you know why that is? Because you broke up with me. Remember? Have you forgotten? I've spent months in pain from it. So you have no right telling me you're concerned about my safety, which is just a clever ruse so that you can drum up some excuse to see me! Either we're together or we're not. Understand?! And you made it quite clear that we're not and can't ever be, so leave me alone!" Tears escape my eyes, half in anger and half in misery.

     He looks completely defeated. He hadn't cried when he broke up with me, but he's crying now. "I'm sorry, Michael. You're right, and I'm sorry. About everything." He takes a shaky breath, and I have to fight every cell in my body that wants to do nothing but hold him and say I didn't mean any of it. But I did. "I'll... I'll just go." Neither of us say another word, and he walks out the door.

     I go about in a daze until Tuesday. My date with Ivy perks me right up. I start feeling hopeful. I tell her everything that's been happening lately with Darrin, and she listens as objectively as she can. She agrees that I probably did the right thing.

      Of course, I realize her ulterior motive, but it still feels good to hear. Just like it feels good to hold her in my arms and kiss her. Winter has started, and it's cold tonight. We have to keep each other warm, right?

      My hand starts creeping under the bottom of her shirt.
      She whines, "Michael, you're letting in a cold draft."
      I chuckle into her mouth. "But I'm trying to warm you up. Your skin is cold." My hand goes higher.
      "Because you're letting the cold air get to me."
      "Then I'd better do a good job at covering you up." I finally, finally, finally reach second base. She squirms, and I hold her tighter, kissing her down her neck. My eyes open for a moment, and movement catches my eye.
      Oh plum it all to hell. Darrin. Here.
      He sees I've seen him. He looks livid. "So this is what you're up to now, Michael?" That gets Ivy's attention.
      He starts walking toward us. I have no idea what he's about to do, but I don't like the look on his face. "Darrin, stop."

      "No, Mike. You don't understand." Then he directs his voice to her. "Leave. You're not right for him."
     "Excuse me?" Ivy's voice goes up in pitch. "Who the hell do you think you are by saying that?"
     "I know him a hell of a lot better than you do, and you need to leave him alone."


     "So you're Darrin, huh? Well, that figures. You have some nerve coming here and playing the jealous boyfriend after dumping him like you did."
     "That's none of your maker damn business. I'm just looking out for Mike's best interests, and you aren't it."
     "Oh, and you are? At least I'm not accusing him of murder!"
     "At least I'm not someone with a criminal record!"
     "What?!" she screeches.
     "You heard me!"
     I've had enough. "Darrin, what the plum are you talking about?" Is he accusing Ivy of having a criminal record?
     He turns around, and... his eyes... they're half-wild. He's losing his mind. "Shoplifting! She's a no-good, common thief!"
     "How do you-" I pause. "You did a background check on her?" I move to stand between them.
     Ivy stands behind me. "He's crazy."
     Darrin looks at her. "Are you trying to deny it?" Then he looks at me. "She unhooked a store-model video camera from the security cord attaching it to the display, put it under her sweater, and tried to walk out with it!"
     I get pushed forward from Ivy's quick movement. She's trying to get at Darrin. "You sonofab*tch! How dare you!"


    "Bring it, b*tch!" He also tries to get at her, but I'm in the way for both of them.
    "Stop it!" Nobody listens to me.
    "You don't understand what I was going through! They charge way too much for those cameras! They weren't going to miss one!" She can't get a good hit on him.
     I'm focused on Darrin. He's lost it. My arm keeps getting in the way of his strikes, meaning he's hitting me. It doesn't exactly hurt. I think he's just trying to push her around a bit, but I won't let him even do that much.
    "Move, Mike!" He scowls.
    "No."
    Ivy gets hold of his hair somehow, and he yells out. "B*tch! F--king hair-pulling girls!"
    "Ivy!" She won't let go.
    Darrin grabs a part of her hand and pinches it hard. She screams.
    "Darrin!"
    Ivy's crying. "He doesn't understand, Mike. I know it was wrong."
    I'm still livid from the fact that he did the background check in the first place. "Darrin, what are you even doing here? You're interrupting our date."
    That snaps the crazy look out of his eyes, and his face falls.

      I hold Ivy's shoulders. "It's okay, Ivy. Everyone makes mistakes." Some of us much worse than theft.
      She tries to talk through her tears. "He's a monster, Michael."
      "No he's not." He's a hero--who's having a hard time letting go.
      "How can you not see that? He's crazy. What kind of person does background checks on someone their ex is dating?"
      I give Darrin a scathing look when he looks up at me, and he falls apart. He knows she makes a good point. Then he drops his head again. His hands hide his face, and he lets out a sob before running off somewhere else in the park.
      I sigh. "I need to go talk to him."
      Ivy's face snaps up. "You what? No you don't. That's what he wants. It's such a b*tch move."
      "You're probably right, but I have to get this sorted out or he won't stop." And I want to find out once and for all where all this is coming from. I still love him, and it's killing me that he's brought this upon himself.
     Ivy isn't stupid. "Mike, if you go, don't ever call me again."
     "You don't understand. We need closure. Better closure, I guess."
     She's shaking her head no. "I mean it."
     I kiss her. "I will call you. Over and over if I must. We'll work this out, but I have to talk to Darrin right now."
     She shoves me. "Goodbye, Michael." She wipes her cheeks as she stomps away from me.
     I run my hand down my face. Will I ever get my life sorted out? I have no idea. But I need to go find where Darrin went.

       He didn't go far.

     I see his shoulders shake some. He's crying. Oh, Darrin, you confused man. What am I going to do with you? I have no idea what's about to happen, but we both either need closure or to really, in a mature way, figure out what we're going to do.
     I'm still reeling from what he did. He's acting like someone who wants me back yet then says he can't. He can't go on like this. WE can't go on like this.

      I gently touch his shoulder. "Darrin."
      "No." He reaches up to try and brush my hand off him, being childish. "Leave me alone."
      "I'm not going to do that. We have to talk about this before we both go crazy." I have a seat next to him.

      "What, your little b*tch-slut didn't wanna go home with you?" He's hurting; I know that's where that came from.
      "That's not fair, Darrin. Stop it. You broke up with me, remember? And I have every right to date again."

      He closes his eyes. "That was one of the stupidest things I've ever done."
      "Then let's talk about this! Darrin, you have to talk to me. We have to get through this. We have to figure out what we're going to do because the way things have been have not worked."
      His knee shakes. "I can't stop. I can't make it stop, Michael. I've been losing my mind. I've... been keeping tabs on you. I guess I could never let you go, and it was worse because I knew you were hurting, and I knew it was all my fault."
     "You can't make it stop. You can't make what stop?"
     "I love you, Michael."
     I sit here quietly. What he said comes as no surprise. That he said it does. Well, I asked him to talk to me. So he is. I have to make the most of this opportunity.

     "Then let's talk about that."
     He almost cries again when he says, "No. We can figure out what we're going to do, but please, not that."
     "No, I think that's right at the crux of all this. Everything you've done is because you still love me. Am I wrong?" I watch him shake his head no. "I'm not wrong. Now let's get to the next issue: You say we can't be together."
     "Right."
     "Because you're a police officer, and I'm a murderer."
     "Michael, don't."
     "You couldn't bear me lying to you. I can't bear it either." I pause. "I did it, Darrin. I went crazy and found Dad's gun. I followed him and Drake into the woods because I knew they were hunting him. I'm not sure why Drake was there, but I do know he and Dad were working together on something or other."
     "Stop. Don't tell me this. Don't give me this information."
     "The evidence was dropped."
     "This is new evidence."
     "Are you going to arrest me?"
     "I should."
     "Then do it. I can't live like this."

     "Stop talking, Michael! Please don't make me do this!"
     I sigh and put my head in my hand. "I would rather you just do it instead of making me live in this misery. Maybe they'll let me out on good behavior." Landgraab was a horrible, horrible person. A mother-killer. A cop-killer. He abducted homeless people and did medical experimentation on them. The world is better off without him. Surely, any DA could see that.
     "Prison would destroy you." He pauses. "I can't do that to you. But now I have to live with the knowledge about what you did. Why did you have to do that to me, Michael?"
     "Because it was preventing you from trusting me. That's what you said. What I did that night was the stupidest thing I've ever done. And now, it's preventing me from being with the love of my life."
     His anger evaporates. "You think... You think I'm the love of your life?"

       "Why does that surprise you?"
       "But you were with... her."
       "Because I was trying, Darrin. I was trying to live without you. It's a lot harder than it looks."
       "I have a confession. Again. I knew about her. That's when I really started going crazy. That's why I was angry last Friday. Um, Saturday morning. The other stuff was an excuse. It was true, at least in my opinion, but it was only part of the issue."
      "Darrin, this is killing us. Tell me why we can't be together. And don't say the cop thing."
      He winces. "But can I ever really get over that? Especially now that I know?"
      "You have to make a decision. Either live with it and get back together with the person you love or you let it harden you and let him go. Not just on the surface let him go. For real."
     His face crumples. "I can't let you go, Michael. Not really. I've tried, and I just can't."
     "Then you have to forgive me. You have to forgive yourself for forgiving me." This is really getting somewhere! But I want to shake him. "Because I... I want to get back together." Sorry, Ivy.
     He starts crying. I move to hold him, but he pushes me away. It hurts like a jagged sword.

      He whispers, "I'm sorry."
      "You have to make a decision, Darrin. You know what I want. Either get back together with me or cut me out completely. Let me get over you. I want to get back together--but not if it'll make you miserable knowing who I am. If we don't get back together, you have to let me get on with my life."
      "I can't! I can't decide!" He rocks in place. I stay frozen. "I need time to think. To process everything... instead of running from it."
      I hate this. I want to make his decision for him, but I meant what I said. To me, the decision is so easy! Choose love!
      But I guess I can understand his thinking. He's always been a super-cop. This contradicts everything he thought he believed in.
      "Okay." I feel like I'm in a nightmare. "How long do you need?"
      "A few days. Maybe a week, but probably less. I'll... I'll text you."
      "Whatever you choose, I want you to tell it to my face."
      "I know. I meant text you so we could meet somewhere."
      "Okay." I get up.

     The next time I see him could be a joyous reunion. Then again, it could break my heart all over again.