Chain Reaction 3.1.48: Getting There

Michael

     I kissed Darrin last night. I was feeling good, and it was just a quick, spur of the moment thing. My crazy, f--ked up life aside, I still love him.

     Then, he kissed me back, a lot more than I expected. By our old standards, it was still very tame.

     But the emotion behind it wasn't. Oh, I'm not saying he wanted to jump into bed with me or even make out. He LOVES me.

     Everything started hitting me just how much he loves me. He has barely left my side since I woke up at the hospital. He's encouraged me, in a non-pushy way, to heal and seek help. He's given me my space, which is amazing considering he's always been around. 

     Only this past week has he interrupted my emotional spirals. I know they're not healthy, but I can't stop thinking about it. But Darrin, even though I act like a jerk to him, has been attempting to pull me out of them. I'm glad, even though I'm not sure how to express it.

     And I'm worried. Everyone has their limits, and I don't want to lose him. I just... need... to talk to him.

     After my pointless morning session with the dead tree stump, I walk out of the bathroom to find him sitting on one of the sofas. "Hey."

     He jumps. And he looks scared. "Hi-i." He swallows. "I need to talk to you."

     "Yeah, me too. With you." I sit down next to him, something I rarely do since the incident.

     "Let me go first," he requests. "About last night, I'm so sorry. I was really happy, and I overdid it. I just need you to know that I'm not expecting anything like that from you. I was an ass for making you think I was pushing you."

     "Darrin-"

     "I'm not pushing you. I know it's going to be a while before you'll be even partially recovered. I was an idiot, and I'm sorry."

      "Stop." My heart is racing. This will be harder than I thought.

      He opens his eyes, curious.

     "I'm not upset at you, and I didn't see it as you pushing me." I love him so much. Here I sit, ruined, and he refuses to give up on me. Hugh and all my modeling 'friends' sent cards and stuff. Darrin hasn't left me, just like I'd begged that first time waking up at the hospital.

     He takes a breath. "It was too much. I scared you."

     "I wasn't scared of you. It's just... Darrin, what are you hoping will come of all this?"

     His eyes close again. "I just want whatever you're ready for, even if it's close to nothing."

     "That isn't what I asked." I take a breath. "What... what is your..." I can't breathe! I start crying. I'm a mess!

      "Does your boyfriend like your dick, Mikey? Too bad that'll only exist in memory now." 

      "Michael?" He reaches for me, but I prevent him from pulling me close, even if I don't push him away.

      I can't do this to Darrin. My voice comes out as a whisper. "Why are you still here?"

      "Because I love you."

      "No. I'm ruined!" My voice is a bit louder now, and whiny.

      "I disagree. I won't let him win."

     "But it's ruined."
     "Do you seriously think that's all I care about? And for that matter, I don't think it is. But even if that were true, it doesn't matter. There's more to love than sex." He wipes my cheeks.
     "But I loved sex." I'm still whiny, but I also laugh sadly at myself.
     "And I'm betting you still can... when you're ready. And if not, we'll figure something out. I'm not going to leave you, Michael. You'd have a tough time getting rid of me, even with a restraining order." I can hear the smirk in his voice at the last bit.
     I let out a little whine and crash my forehead into the space between his neck and shoulder. He pretty much answered my question, but I think I need a few details. Because I'm a f--ked up mess. I take a breath and let him wrap his arms fully around me. "So, um, let's say I'm fully recovered. What is your best case scenario? What do you want most?" He smells so good.
    He takes a deep breath, and I feel his neck move like he's looking at the ceiling. "You want... to know... the deepest desires of my heart."
    "Only if you don't feel uncomfortable telling me."
    "I'm afraid you'll be uncomfortable."
    "I asked. Tell me." I lift my head and look at him.

     He gets a dreamy, far-off look in his eyes, and Drake's eyes go away. Darrin looks so wonderful right now. He's not hiding any part of himself behind a mask.
     "It's actually pretty simple," he begins. "Even if getting there will probably be anything but. I want to get married and bring some kids into our lives and a dog or two with a nice house and..." he blushes "...stuff."
     I'm so taken in by his expression, but the fact that Darrin blushed undoes me. And I forget everything else.

     He grunts in momentary surprise. Then he exhales and falls right into it. I love him so much, and I'm dying to show him.
     But all I can do is kiss him! And that's even... a little difficult. I'm really determined, though.
     However, no matter how determined I am, I can't get over how he deserves better than me. I'm ruined, and I'm being selfish. I let out a little cry. "With me?"
     "Only with you." He goes back to kissing me.
     But I'm not 'me' anymore!
     I fight him off and stand up, headed to the bedroom to hide under the covers. He jumps up after me with alarming speed, like he expected it to happen.

    He immediately launches into an apology. "I'm sorry. Too much? I couldn't help it. F--k! I apologize for last night then go and do it again. How are you ever going to trust me if-"
    "Stop. I kissed you, okay? It's just... Darrin, I want that, that future you described, but I don't know if I can."
     "You asked for best case scenario, Mike. I already told you as long as it's with you, that's what matters. At least, I think I told you. Did I? Well, it's true."
     I want to cry. "Okay. I understand. I think. I'm trying." It's just I'm so damaged. And I realize I'm also somewhat jealous of him for still being whole. That bothers me. "Please let me go hide under the covers."
     "Okay." He steps aside, and I dash into the room.

     I must've fallen asleep. And slept a lot. I wake up, and it's nighttime. Darrin sleeps on his cot, fully clothed on top of the covers.

     I look at him and sigh. Next to him on the bedside table sits the only picture of me in the house--because it's also of him. I've caught him staring at it.
     I look like my mom. The picture reminds me of one Dad took of him and Mom when they were teens. I have her smile. Will Darrin one day treasure that picture the way Dad treasures his? I shake away that thought.
     Darrin wants me in his life. He said I'm not getting rid of him, and I'm so glad, even though I'm not good enough for him. I need him. Yeah, we've both been as-holes to each other in the past, but I couldn't have come this far without him. Not even Ivy could've been strong enough to pull me through this.
     I look around. Ivy. This is the house I shared with Ivy. This is the bed I shared with Ivy. I've f--ked her in every single location in this house except for Darrin's cot, and that's because it's new. New...
     I want to move.

Alaric

      I asked Kyra to the romance festival. I did it in a very casual way, as friends, like I only wanted to go because I wanted to check out the place. I suppose it would be neat if it were more of a date, but things aren't like that with her. I don't think she's interested in getting a boyfriend. It's all right.

     Arriving at the venue, my eyes snap over to a hottie in a red dress.

      Holy mother of plumbob. I hope Kyra doesn't mind if I flirt a little before I go and look for her. As I get closer, realization hits me. That IS Kyra. My heart rate increases. Holy sh*t. 

     "Kyra!" I greet her in the same tone I'd use to greet Dirk. But then, I don't tend to hug Dirk right after the greeting. My arms find their way around her of their own accord. She feels even better than she looks. "I hope you haven't been waiting too long." Translation: I hope you haven't been standing there by yourself looking this... delicious.

     "No, I've only had a minute or so to look at everything."

     "And what part interests you most?" It sounds like a simple question. It does, right?

      She doesn't answer my question, though. "Your hair looks nice."

      "Huh? Oh. I just... didn't braid it." I openly look her up and down. "You look fantastic! I feel severely underdressed." More like I feel like I don't deserve to be standing and talking with someone this hot without, I don't know, having a drink thrown in my face or something.

      She giggles. "No way. I'm OVERdressed."

      I think someone needs to throw a drink in the face of my imagination. Yes, I'd say we're both overdressed. Let's fix that. I clear my throat. "Not a chance." I act like I'm looking around, but my focus really remains on her. "Other people are dressed up too."

      What is happening to me? The last time I got this gaga over Kyra, I ended up with me embarrassing myself and tossing a coin in a fountain, wishing for something that would never happen. This is crazy. Kyra has only ever liked me as a friend.

      Then why does she have to look so plumbing hot?

To be continued...