Uncomplicated 3.19: Finding an Excuse

     "I'm never letting go of you again, Ana." He kisses my neck.
     What if I can't believe him? He's said all this stuff to me before and then turned around and said he didn't mean it. But... He did that because he thought it was the right thing to do. I guess I'm scared of him being 'noble' again.
     "Marry me, Ana."

     "What?" I'm dreaming. That's what this is: a dream. I've dreamed this so many times before that this can't possibly be really happening.
     "I love you," Edward tells me in my wonderful dream. I don't want to wake up. "I've lived far too much of my life without you, and I don't want to do that anymore. Will you marry me, Ana? Would you do me the honor of letting me become your husband?"
     I smile. That was an incredibly sweet way to propose.
     "We can keep it between us for a little while; we don't have to tell anyone yet."
     I scowl. Why would he say that?
     "I don't want people judging you badly that you'd get engaged again so soon," he explains to my expression.
     Oh. Because Luke is dead. I keep scowling. In my good dreams, I'm typically not worried about Luke and public opinion.
     Then, it hits me, and my vision blurs from unshed tears. "No," I reply. I'm not dreaming. This is real Edward asking me now. I couldn't bear it if he were to hurt me again.
     He's crushed, and I hate it. He can barely breathe as he asks, "But... Why?"

     I expect him to let go of me, but he doesn't. I try to pull back anyway. "Edward..." I don't finish my statement, continuing to try to break from his embrace.
     "No," he replies to my struggling. "Not unless you can give me a solid reason why you don't want to marry me."
     "I do want to marry you."
      His smile lights up his face. "You do?"
      "But I won't."
      The smile evaporates. "What?"
      "I won't be hurt again, Edward!" I start crying, needing to put some space between me and him. He still won't let go! So, I hit his chest, not hard--but enough to make my point. He acts like me trying to break free is as difficult to manage as he would a struggling kitten. I had no idea he was this strong.

     "Oh, Ana," he croons gently and pulls me only further into him. The super-gentle way he somehow manages it takes me off guard, and I just cry into the lapel of his jacket, not struggling for the time being. "Again, I am so very sorry. I guess I can understand if you can't forgive me for that, but I'll--"
     "I can't just immediately forget all that ever happened! Don't think that you can just waltz your way back into my life and expect me to immediately trust you again."
      "Of course you can't. How presumptuous of me." His fingers run through my hair, and I inwardly scold myself for my crying. My nose is stuffy, making it difficult for me to smell him, and I so want to. Now, instead of wanting to pull away, I sink into him.
      He speaks again. "Then, please, I ask for your forgiveness once more, for me being overeager and thinking that I actually had the right to ask you that."
      All that does is bring about a fresh wave of tears when I think about how wonderful he is. "I'm s-s-sorry, Edwa-Edward." I'm doing those awful hiccups and making an absolute mess of the mayor's coat with my tears.
     "Sh-sh-sh-shhhh! It's okay."
      We stand like this for I don't know how long. I'm amazed Bonnie has managed to keep Wren inside the house all this time. She must've really been worried about me to give me this much privacy.
      When it appears I've calmed down completely, Edward asks, "So, then, may I take you to dinner tomorrow night?"
      I think about it. The papers have really made it out that I should be acting the part of a widow, even though Luke and I never married. "No."
      "Why won't you let me take you to dinner tomorrow?"
      "The papers would love that."
      "I don't care."
      "No. Apparently you do. That's why you said we wouldn't have to tell anyone if we got engaged. You said you're worried about my reputation getting engaged too soon after Luke's death. It's not just that. You know the press would have a field day should you date me so soon after Luke's death."
      "Ana! I don't care what the papers say!"
      I feel like we've gone backwards several steps, but I can't help but bring this up again. After all, it's the reason he gave me when he broke up with me. And the pain of it all hurts like it happened yesterday.

      "Will I ever be forgiven for saying those awful things to you? It doesn't matter what the papers say about me. What I said earlier had to do with an engagement, Ana. I meant we wouldn't announce it until an appropriate amount of time had passed, but since that's not even an option, at least let me take you to dinner. They don't have to know why."
      I'm reminded of the time when he'd asked me out before. It was right before the election. He was so eager--kind of like now--to start something. But instead of going to dinner, he broke up with me that very afternoon.
      I shake my head no, and he tries to hold my head to keep me from doing it. In order to stop me, he loosens his hold of everything but my head. Seizing the moment, I quickly escape his grasp altogether.

     I dash to the house, even though just about everything in me wants to run the other way, back into his arms. I can't trust that part of me.
    When I reach the door, I have to bite my lip to avoid a loud sob. Knowing Edward, he'll see this as a 'not ever' instead of 'I just can't but maybe someday.' No matter what, however, I can't let myself fall into the deceptive trap hope likes to spring on me.

     So my life returns to the old, familiar normal. When she's not out with her boyfriend Darin, Serenity likes to help me in the garden. She and Bonnie help me with the watering and weeding. I make several thousand on crop sales, and Bonnie gets substantial busking tips from her level 10 piano and guitar skills.
     Even money reminds me of Edward, and I remember the day I angrily shoved the rent money into his hand, thinking that was his goal was to get it when all he was doing was trying to be nice. He'd wanted to postpone my rent payment because my garden wasn't producing yet.

     Wren behaves like any normal child. Luckily for her, she has her father's buoyant personality. That's not saying she doesn't get upset from time to time, but she recovers faster than her mother.

     It's been a week and a half, and I haven't even so much as heard from Edward. Should I call him? What would I say if I did? 'Hi, Edward. It's Anastasia. I still don't want to go to dinner with you, but could I selfishly ask you to come by just so I can see you again?' Yeah. Real good, Anastasia.
     I can't sleep, and apparently this book isn't helping matters. I can't get Edward out of my head. The book gets angrily shoved back into my inventory.
     "Good evening," I hear coming from the opening to the garden, and for half a moment, I wonder if I'm losing my mind and imagining things.

      "I was hoping to find you here," he says.
      I'm not hallucinating. Edward is here! And my stomach gets jittery. Normally, I might make a kind of smart-alec comment like, 'Well, I've been sitting here like always. I never go anywhere anyway,' but I don't.
     Time slows down and speeds up at the same time. One second he's walking, and the other, he's sitting next to me on the bench.
     "How are you this evening?" he asks. How can such simple words carry such weight? I'd love to tell him how I want to bash his head into the wall yet in the same moment want to kiss him until neither of us can breathe.

      My sass finds its way to my voice. "What do you think, Edward? My life is going just like it always has. I wake up in the morning and take care of the farm. We have a whole new batch of chicks from the hens, and the cows do what cows do. Wren and Serenity are doing fine in school. My little sister aged to child. There's nothing interesting in the boring life of a farmer."
      "You're due to throw another party soon, right?"
      I wave my hand dismissively. "Whatever. It's more like Bonnie's or Serenity's party. I don't take part in them anymore."
      "I'm hosting a small dinner party next week. I'd love it if you took part in that one." He sounds like he has something caught in his throat. "I've been dying to show you the second tiny house I've built. So much of your own input has gone into it."
      I turn to look at him and almost regret it immediately. He's so beautiful. "How do you host a dinner party in a tiny house?"
      "The, uh, actual dinner party will be at a venue."

      Edward almost never stutters. I scowl.
      He continues, "I could show you the house... afterwards."
      Oh no! I fly to standing.

      "I didn't mean it like that!" he quickly says as he also stands.
      Looking at his eyes, I believe him. He didn't think how it would sound before he opened his mouth. "What did you mean then, Edward?"
      He looks like he wants to pull his hair out. "I just wanted to see you! Since you won't let me take you dinner, I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a reason to. That's the reason I decided to throw this party I'm having." He looks down at the grass at our feet now, and he reminds me of a scolded child confessing his crimes. "I just wanted to see you," he repeats.
      I suddenly understand, knowing how he thinks, that he would think like that, but I have to make him understand my thoughts. "I'm right here, Edward. Right here, where I've always been, where I am every day. What's wrong with just coming over to visit?"
     "I don't think it's... polite to visit a lady without a good reason."
     I want to shake him. "You used to visit all the time when I was pregnant with Wren!"
     "I was here to help you when you needed it. Coming over now would just be selfish. I don't want to intrude upon your life, Ana."
      He thinks me turning him down and running like I did the last time he was here was me saying he needed to back off. I have a very difficult time NOT putting my head in my hand.
     "Edward, you don't need a reason to come by." I still want to shake him... and then myself as well. Of COURSE Edward would think that. I'd even pondered that when I'd first entered the house, but I was too upset at the time to make sure he understood me.

      A smile pulls at the corners of his mouth. "I would feel like I was intruding."
      I bite my lip. I have to be very careful with my words. "Every now and then isn't intruding. It's called visiting. People do it all the time." A yawn catches me off-guard.
      "And right now is a bit late for a visit. I came by on impulse. An invitation is in the mail, and then I was going to call you. But I was out driving and found my way here." He blushes. "To be honest, I've been sitting in my car what would amount to a few blocks away, debating whether or not I should drop in on you like this. I'd just about driven off when I looked over and saw you reading." His whole speech sounds like an apology.
      "It's nothing. I'm not tired," I reply stubbornly. He looks like he's about to leave, and I don't want him to, even if I am sleepy now.
      "Well, I'm sticking to my original excuse. Would you attend my dinner party?"
      Like... a date? Maybe not. It's just attending a party for plum's sake. "Okay." I smile.
      He smiles back at me, takes my hand and kisses it in a very Edward fashion, and says he looks forward to seeing me again. I wish he would really kiss me, but he doesn't. Instead, he walks back to his car with a small wave.

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