Chain Reaction 3.29: Completely Screwed Up

Charlotte

      Uncle Alex's sister is dying of pancreatic cancer. She's at stage four. And this is only a year after losing his mother to cancer. He's been off to Willow Creek to visit with Cassandra, but he came home for a charity function he organized for cancer research. He himself gives plenty, and he bought all our tickets, including the one for Isabella's mystery man.

      "You look more like your mother every day, Charlotte," he tells me. He's trying to be nice, but I wish people wouldn't do that, compare me to my mom. Chloe tells me we should just say thank you and let it go, but it hurts. It's just a reminder that she's gone. Killed my Malcolm Landgraab...who was killed by someone else. I have to say I'm glad. Malcolm can rot in hell.
     "Thanks. Is Aunt Em-Em coming?" I suppose I'll always call her that.
     He nods. "She'll be late, though." He looks over my shoulder behind me. "I believe Isabella is trying to get your attention in the next room."
     I sigh, irritated. "She wants me to meet her new man." I've been avoiding Isabella the past few months. It's not been too hard to do because she's with this guy every chance she gets.
     Everyone around me is coupling up. It's enough to make me feel left out. My inner self reminds me that I could always call Jarvis, but then fear knots up in my stomach at the thought of hurting him.
     My next thought is about Dwight. He's going to become a psychiatrist, not a medical doctor like I'd imagined. We've been becoming friends again, and he told me something that I think is true: I push away the people that matter the most to me. I chase the 'safe' ones like he was. The more they mean to me romantically, the harder I push. He supposes that's because I could feel the pain my father went through when Mom was killed. He claims that I don't ever want to feel that pain should they leave me, but I think he's not quite right on that. I don't want them to hurt should something happen to me.
     Pretty much, I'm completely screwed up in the head.

     I see Aunt Em-Em walk in, and I greet her quickly before I answer Isabella's summons.
     "Charlotte, I want you to meet my boyfriend."

     The door still hasn't closed, but I look over at the man and say hi. He's a redhead like me, and he's...
     No.
     "Hello, Lottie," he says, acting like he's barely able to find his voice.
     Without another word, I grab Isabella's arm and drag her into the next room.

     "What's wrong?" she asks.
     "That's Jarvis. You mean to tell me your boyfriend is Jarvis? Jarvis Watanabe?"
     "He wants to change his last name," she says in a kind of robotic way. "Wait. You already know him?"
     Has she ever really listened to anything I've said over the years? I mean, yeah, she and Chloe are closer than the two of us, but I know I had to have mentioned something somewhere along the way about Jarvis. It's not that common a name, is it?
     "I've known him for years. Well, not so much lately." It's pushing a year since I've seen him. His hair looks different, and he has a beard. But his eyes haven't changed one bit. If this were a masked ball, I'd never recognize him. Well, maybe his voice.
      How can this be happening? Isabella looks so happy to have Jarvis as a boyfriend, but all I want to do is go cry somewhere. Sure, I suppose I can't expect Jarvis to stay single all his life, but I had no idea how much it would hurt to see him with someone else. And why does that 'someone else' have to be my aunt?
     "What do you mean? He's never mentioned you," she tells me.

     She continues, "If you two were friends... I didn't think he'd had many friends. Well, there was that one girl that..." Her voice drifts off. She's putting the pieces together.
     Why do I have to be realizing how I feel about Jarvis now? Dwight was right. When I talked about starting a relationship with him now that we're done with school, he smiled sadly and said he wouldn't because I'm in love with someone else. That's when the psychoanalysis thing happened.
     "We became friends when I was nine." I pause. "He's really never talked about me?" He really doesn't care about me anymore? Yes, I need to go cry. I should've known this would happen, but I doubt anything could prepare me for the emotional spiral I'm experiencing... that is also mixed with what Isabella is throwing at me.
     She's angry. With me. It hits me like spikes into my skin. "He only once mentioned a name: Lottie."

      Jarvis walks up, incredibly nervous. "So, uh, you're related. I, um, just chalked it up to Taylor being a popular last name." He looks back and forth between us, but we ignore him.
      I have no right to be jealous. There have been at least three times I've turned the man down. And he's been dating Isabella for months. But he only once mentioned my name? And I guess I've never heard about his name from her because I hardly ever see her. She'd just say 'my boyfriend.' Oh, plum. Her boyfriend is Jarvis.
      Isabella flips her hair. "Lottie. I should've known. It's been screaming in my face all this time. But Eden is a big city. How was I to know your stories matched up like that?" Her eyes don't leave my face as the emotional spikes keep raining upon me. My once-aunt now sees me as competition. And she knows I'm outmatched. She's beautiful. I don't stand a chance.
      I only briefly glance his way before looking back at his girlfriend. "Nice to see you again, Jarvis. I hope you two are," my throat feels clogged up, "happy together." It's trite, but I have no idea what to say otherwise. "I'll just go...get some punch." I escape to the punch table. Glancing back, I can see Isabella visibly angry with Jarvis while he works at calming her down. Then, he looks around for me, and she reaches up to grab his face, aiming it at her in a pointed way.
      Confident that I won't be seen leaving, I escape further into the night air.

     The museum has a lovely sculpture garden in the back, so I head toward it. Maybe I can hide. I need to disappear for a while and cry. It's all my fault. I deserve this. I'm so cruel. The only way for me to finally realize that I do have feelings for Jarvis is to see him with someone else? That's not fair to him. I'm a monster.

     So what now? Is he going to be my 'Uncle' Jarvis someday? I wipe under my eyes. For once in my life, I'm wearing makeup. I check my fingers for proof that it's smudging, but nothing shows up on them. Then, I remember I'm using a kind of waterproof stuff Chloe recommended.
    The sound of the party continues. I suppose I'm going to sit out here the rest of the night. I can't go back in there. Chloe is my ride or I'd leave right now.
     I run over in my mind all the many times Jarvis tried in some way to tell me he loved me and how each time I shoved him away. I suppose he was a lot more persistent than most men would be. If nothing else, that proves how much he wanted us to be a thing.
     When did I start being in love with him? I was really good at hiding it, especially from myself. He claimed he knew, and that's when I fought so hard against him that I completely pushed him away.
     Dwight is brilliant.

     I hear them start up what sounds like an auction. At least, someone is speaking quickly over a microphone and I can hear the crowd's applause when the voice stops. Who knows how long I've been out here, but the auction was one of the last things on the list of activities for the fundraiser.
     It won't be long now and I can go home to cry in my bed for a few days.

     "Somehow I knew I'd find you out here," I hear Jarvis say.
     Oh no! I didn't think he'd be able to escape Isabella's clutches. I certainly wouldn't let him out of my sight if I knew that someone he used to love was hanging around. But I'm not interested in finding out how he managed it.
     I quickly stand up and see that beyond the fountain in front of me is a dead end. The only way out of here, other than jumping the wall which I just might, is to get past Jarvis.

     He closes in. "Not now, Jarvis." The auction is over, and music has started playing, jazz I think. "You should be inside enjoying the party."
     "Yes 'now.' And I'm right where I should be." Pause. "You look breathtaking, Lottie."
     "I have to go." I have no idea where, but I can't be alone with him right now. He's my aunt's boyfriend. It doesn't matter anymore what I feel for him. I move to walk around him, and he sidesteps and blocks my path.
     "Dance with me before you go," he requests and wraps an arm around me while taking my hand in his other one.

     "Jarvis..."
     He pulls me closer. "Shh." He smells good. Too good. His scruffy cheek touches mine as he starts rocking us back and forth.
     The tears are on their way, and I want to lay my head against his shoulder. I know I deserve every speck of misery headed in my direction. Is this what it was like for him when I was with Tommy? Like I said: I'm a monster.
     I don't want to cry in front of him, and after a few minutes, I start shaking from the overwhelming emotions going through me. "You should go back inside." I squeeze my eyes shut.
     "Shh," he repeats.
     No. I'm not going to 'shh.' I fight my hand free and lightly punch his chest. "Stop it."
     He half-smiles, and it breaks my heart. "Stop what?"
     "You need to be inside with your girlfriend." Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry!
     He takes my hand again. "I'd rather be out here with you."

     "No. It's not right." I try to pull back, but he easily stops me. Guess I'm not trying too hard. "Jarvis, please... Go back inside."
     "Answer me one question first."
     I reach over to wipe under my eye and then rest my hand on the lapel of his jacket. "No. I don't have to answer anything."
     "Then it looks like I'm staying. I like it better out here anyway. You always choose the most picturesque spots." He smirks and takes my hand again, keeping up the pretense of dancing.
     Damn him! I can't hold it back anymore, and I start crying. "No," I whine when he starts wiping my tears.
     "Please tell me what's wrong. Once upon a time I might've tried to guess, but my confidence there is a bit shot." His fingers are a little rough, and I randomly wonder if he's been using the old workbench at his store.
     "Stop," I beg quietly.
     He scowls. "But you're still crying."
     My sadness turns to anger. "Yes, of course I am! That's what people do when they're miserable! The worst is I know I deserve it. Why can't you just leave me be so that I can bash myself to pieces for pushing you away?"

     He kisses me, and I can't take it anymore. Fine, Jarvis! I plumbing love you! Happy now? His hand releases mine to hold the side of my head, his thumb stroking my cheek. Then, he opens my mouth and deepens the kiss, and my knees give out on me for a second like a couple of little weaklings. Plum it if I can help it since this is the best kiss of my life. I wrap my arm around his neck, not wanting the kiss to end. I don't care that I'm kissing my aunt's boyfriend. It's Jarvis, and I love him. And if this is all I get then I'm going to get as much of it as I can.
     Jarvis acts like he doesn't want to stop either, and when I start kissing him back with close to as much energy as he puts into it, he starts losing control.

     My whole world is nothing but a mix of lips and breathing and tongues and Jarvis' scent and lips and breathing and hands and arms and him. His being with Isabella isn't right. He's loved me most of his life; that's what he told me anyway. Then I broke his heart.
     I don't deserve this. I start to pull back, but he grabs the back of my neck and twists us both around, dipping me so that I have to cling to him or risk falling on my back.

      Fine. More kissing. I smile.
      Jarvis is a lot more serious than I am, and his hand starts traveling, especially enjoying the cuts in the dress at my waist. I don't stop him, and his thumb starts going under the fabric of the dress. Then, his hand moves to the hemline and starts going under it, going north and trying to take the dress with it.
     Whoa. I reach down and pull his hand out of my dress before bringing my hand up and pushing hard on his shoulder. What am I doing?! I find my balance and fight to get free of him.
     "Lottie," he pleads, kissing my throat.
     "No. Let me go!" He does.
     Free, I walk away. I just need a little distance, so I walk to the fountain. He follows me and wraps his arms around me from behind. Then, he maneuvers himself in front of me.

      "Don't walk away. Not now, especially."
      "I have to. News flash, Jarvis: you have a girlfriend. Remember?" I can't help it; I reach up and run my fingertips down his jaw, feeling the coarse texture of his five-o'clock-shadow-meets-beard.
      "Forget about that for a minute. I can take care of that later. This right now is so much more important." He kisses me again but pulls back before he can get too into it. It doesn't matter. I can't resist him when he kisses me. Plum, if he'd pulled a Tommy ages ago, this night would be a very different matter.
      "You mean you don't feel anything for her?" I can't help the jealousy.
      He winces. "I was starting to, but I've loved you almost my whole life, Lottie. You know that."
      My timing sucks, but I have to tell him. "And I've been too screwed up to admit I love you too, Jarvis."

      Since I said that, of course he has to kiss me again, acting once more like he doesn't want to stop. He sniffs. Is he crying? I reach up and touch his face. He's not crying. He sniffs again...but, no. That wasn't him. Well, it wasn't me either. I hear another sniff.
     Confused as well, he pulls back and looks at me like he thinks I'm crying. Then, a look of horror crosses his face when he looks past me.

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