Uncomplicated 3.20: Not so much a disaster

     After a makeover from Bonnie and Serenity, I attend Edward's farce of a dinner party. Most of the town's residents ignore me, but a doctor, new in town, decides to be social. He acts entertained by my snarky responses to questions he has about the city folk. I tell him I don't know any of them well, but I make up stories of what they might be like. He knows I'm kidding.
     Then, he's here. Edward. He must've been out back on the veranda.

     "Ana! It's so good to see you!" His voice sounds like he might be greeting a fellow cohort, coworker maybe, instead of the woman he claims to love. I'm instantly on my guard as he sits down in the empty chair next to me.
     The tux he wears suits him. Maybe it was the greeting he gave me that's doing it, but the reality that I am sitting next to the mayor makes my palms sweat, which has never really happened to me, that I can outright recall anyway. I guess it's because I've most often seen him at my house. Even when I was pregnant with Wren, I rarely saw him anywhere else, and never when he wore the social mantle of mayor.
     He and the doctor exchange pleasantries as well. He's good at it, this small talk thing. Pleasantries finished, the conversation moves to the economy.
     I can do this. I can make small talk. I want to prove that I also have a voice and legitimate opinion.

     "I heard the DeBuff company is going to start mining diamonds in South Simfrica." I pluck a very hot button issue out of my head. Not only do I read our city's newspapers (looking for things about the man looking good in a tux next to me) but I read more non-biased, less yellow journalistic ones from other places. The story interested me; anything to do with the environment does. I hate what DeBuff is doing there. Greed led them to force people from their homes so they could gut the planet of its innards.
     Edward clears his throat and takes a hard swallow of his coffee. The doctor looks away. Neither of them say anything. This can't be good.
     "Is that Gonriel?" the doc asks. "I've been meaning to speak with her about something." He gets up and leaves. His plate vanishes.

     Edward looks at me and quietly says, "His uncle works for DeBuff."
     Plum. I feel my cheeks warm. Still, I attempt to defend my stance. "Then he should be ashamed of himself."
     "He isn't on speaking terms with his uncle. It's a touchy subject for him."
     I want to become one with the curtain behind me. Disappear. "Typical me, then." Of course I would find the one topic that's taboo and throw it in the wrong person's face. How does he even know something like that? I ask him.
     "It's my job to know things." There. He said it. He's good at his job as mayor. He's held it a long while now. People like him, respect him. He pays attention to their needs and makes sure not to rub people the wrong way.

     I don't deserve him! Imagine if we were engaged right now! I would be nothing but an embarrassment for him: the woman who always says the wrong thing, not suited as the mayor's wife. That's what everyone would think. I don't belong here, I think as I look around. The doctor says two words to Gonriel, and then he walks outside.

     It's like Edward can read my thoughts. "Ana, you didn't know. How could you have? I don't think he at all expects that anyone knows. He probably just got up before he could say something he'd regret." Meaning Edward went out of his way to find out what not to say. I'll never be able to do that.
     I'm a walking disaster.

     "That's all I do is say things I'll regret. Always the wrong thing." I've always been one to speak exactly what's on my mind.
     "Don't do that to yourself, Ana. That's not true."
     I stand up in a huff, and he follows me. He's like a blinded puppy. He can't see how badly placed I am in his world.

     I can't take a step more because he's maneuvered in front of me, smiling. "Don't you remember," he starts, "how I would always manage somehow to say the wrong thing around you?"
     Oh. Yes, of course I remember--because it would mean I'd manage to blow up at him. I probably helped him learn not to say something that could be misconstrued. "I guess it's my turn."
     "No." He still smiles. It's like it wouldn't matter what I'd do or say, he'd still be just happy I'm here. Plumbob, I probably just hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Blind puppy. "Anyone could make that mistake." His hand runs down my forearm to hold mine.
     I look around at the people here. Several of them are looking at us. All those looking at us didn't miss the gesture Edward just made. They're not missing how he's acting towards me. I'm doing nothing but ruin anything he's carefully built.
     A woman leans slightly over to speak quietly to the other woman standing next to her, her eyes not leaving us. Judgment streams from her gaze: The mayor is after the town harlot again, a woman who by all rights should be mourning her dead fiance.
     "I don't suppose you've eaten?" Edward asks me, not following, probably deliberately, my eye direction. I look back at him, and as if by magic, his ice blue eyes take me in. Only, they're not cold, and maybe they're less blind than I previously thought. The message is clear: He wants me fully in his life. This party was thrown for me: not for him, the other people, or his career. To him, we may as well be the only ones in the room, and I love him for it. Who cares what those old biddies think?

     I get a plate of veggie spaghetti. Edward gets nothing. "I'd say this party is going rather well." He sits down next to me.
     I wisely leave any comment on the boring-ness to myself. It's very quiet compared to the parties I, well Bonnie, throw. "People look happy." I force a smile.
     We stay long enough for it not to be considered rude when we leave. Edward asks me to take a walk on the beach...

      ...where I immediately age to mature adult. Oh no! I wasn't ready yet! How can this happen?! I'd noticed Edward must've aged up over the past few days, but the lines become him. I can't imagine the same can be said about me.

      "You didn't tell me it was your birthday." He smiles like he's laughing at some kind of internal joke.
      "It slipped up on me." I am not happy. The last thing I want is to look old. "It's not like I really want to celebrate." No, I want to know how Dad made that potion of youth.
      "Well, even if that's so, it's all the more reason to give you these." He pulls out a bouquet of red roses.
       I balk about being given the flowers, and he simply says he wanted this night to be perfect, that the flowers are merely another element of the perfect date.
       Date.
       So he is counting this as a date.
       He turns around to check and see if the party is truly winding down. The cleaning crew is at work emptying trash cans.

     "Let me show you my house." He reaches down and takes my hand.
     House. I hesitate, wondering what else he has planned. He once called me irresistible.
     And if I'm actually at his house, it'll just add to the gossips' arsenal. It'll only add to his downfall.
     He senses my reluctance. "Please, Ana. I've been wanting to for years. You inspired so much of its construction."
     If only it were daytime. But I've been so cautious that this is the first time in ages that Edward has gotten me out on the town. I let him lead me down the beach.

      At first glance, his house reminds me of my own flipped backwards.

     He takes my hands again. "You have no idea how happy this makes me."
     Why? I can't help my nervous thinking. What kind of woman have I become? I used to care not what other people thought, but those newspapers ruined me. And now, here I am, giving them kindling. Glancing around nervously, I don't see any reporters.
     "Ana, stop worrying. I just want to show you the house."
     I think what scares me most is what I want. I want Edward. I'm afraid of myself.

     Edward starts pointing out the added lighting thanks to the windows, which he says is very effective during the day. I wonder what it would look like with the morning sun streaming in.
     Stop, Ana! What if you end up sleeping with him only for him to turn around and say that the press' maniacal reporting means he has to dump you? What then? I will NOT be hurt again.
     But does he HAVE to look good in a tux?
     He then takes me to the kitchen, talking rapidly about energy efficiency. Walking around the counter, he opens the door to the bedroom, showing me but not entering. I stay frozen in my spot, wondering how comfortable the loveseat might be.

     Then he walks back over to me. "But I have to say the best part to this house is the roof." We go outside, and he shows me to a ladder.

     I have a little trouble managing to climb the ladder in my dress, but the end result is worth it. "You're right," I tell him. I have a view of the water from my house, but I can't really see it from inside the house. This is a fantastic house in a fantastic location.
     "I'm glad you agree. So many times I've imagined bringing you here and what I'd say to you if I could." He reaches over and holds my hand. He looks at me for a moment before returning his eyes to the water once more. His grip tightens. "I... hurt... you, and I am so sorry. In hurting you, I also hurt myself." He takes a breath. "I want to make it right. I'm always trying to make it right with you."
      "I'm sorry." My voice is quiet.
      I see out of the corner of my eye as his face snaps over to me again. "Why?"
      "For making it harder for you. It's just... Edward, I'm so scared." Everything from earlier comes back into my head. He chose his career before, he could do that again. Of course, I conveniently forget how he only used that as a cover to be 'noble.'
      "I wish I could make that go away." His thumb starts tracing random lines on my hand, simultaneously getting on my nerves and driving me crazy in another way, a way I don't need to be feeling. I don't need any more encouragement in that area, trust me. "What can I do, Ana?"
      I turn to face his pleading expression. I don't know what he can do, but I know what I want him to do is kiss me.

      Then, he does. It's too perfect. It's too good. It's too dangerous.
      If I kiss him back as much as I want to, things could get out of control much faster than either of us could be ready for. The man of my dreams, the one I yearned for, the one I'm no good for, is kissing me just like I wanted him to.

      "Does this help?" he asks against my lips. I nod. "I've been wanting to do that all night. You are literally too beautiful for words. I'm losing my mind."
      "Not just you," I tell him then shut him up.

      Just as I pull him to me, I also can't help but push him away at the same time. He doesn't question my hot and cold behavior, instead holding me as tightly as I'll allow and rapidly savoring every touch of our lips.
      Before this can go any farther, I push him away in a more definite way. He can't hide his disappointment. I hope he understands that I didn't want to stop; I had to. My eyes close against his expression.

      "Even though I've been an ass about showing it," he says, "I hope you know how much I desperately love you."
      For just a second, I worry I'm dreaming. "I love you, Edward."
      He steals another quick kiss. "I want to be more in your life." He might mean more than what I read in his eyes earlier.
      Oh no. I don't want to have to give him another 'no' to a marriage proposal.

      "I see that expression, Ana, and don't misunderstand. I still want that, but I also know you're hesitant. What I mean is I want more of this. I want to see you more than just at your house. I still want to officially take you to dinner, a show, anything."

     "I'm not saying jump into an engagement. But, well, are you busy Friday night? Let me take you to dinner."
     The dinner date idea again. Maybe it'll actually happen this time.
     A smile tugs at my lips. "Well, I'm not busy..."

      He kisses me quickly before I can say anything else. "I'll take that as a yes," he replies when he pulls back.

Click here to go to 3.21