Alex
Emily hasn't spoken to me all day. Hoping a change of environment would help, I asked her to dinner. To my delighted surprise, she agreed, merely nodding her head--but she agreed.
"You look beautiful tonight," I tell her. She does. However, for this restaurant, her clothing is borderline. I would've loved to see her in that dress again, the one the saleslady picked out for her, the one where she looks absolutely delicious, the one that I couldn't keep my eyes or hands off her.
I guess that's why she's not wearing it. Still, I like red.
"Flattery, Mr. Goth?" She cocks one eyebrow at me and gives me a look that makes my pants fit tighter.
I smile. Well, that was unexpected. What is she on about? Is she toying with me? At least she spoke to me. That's a start.
She wants flattery? I can do flattery. "Sure. Why not? But it's also the truth. And I like those earrings. Feathers: the perfect thing next to your cheek. Although the feathers don't come anywhere near as soft as your skin is."
She blushes like mad, and that quirky smile shows up. But I can tell she's uncomfortable.
"You really are the most wonderful person I've ever known."
She stops me before I can say more. "Not now, Alex."
I'm stopped from saying more by the arrival of our waiter.
Emily asks me to order for her, and that makes me nervous. Experience tells me that can backfire quickly, and seeing as I'm already in the doghouse, that's the last thing I need. The waiter tries not to act irritated as Emily and I go back and forth as to what to order.
"Are you sure that's what you want? We can hurry and change the order if you'd like," I tell her.
"It's fine, Alex."
Uh oh. If I've learned one thing, 'fine' is never fine.
"I just want you to be happy, Emily." At first, I really do mean it about just the food, but it strikes me that I really do mean it about everything. Plum! How am I ever going to fix this?
"I'm not that hungry anyway, so if I don't like it, it's not a big deal."
I tell her she could always switch with me if she'd like, but she shakes her head no. I try to bring up other conversation topics, but I only get one-word replies.
"Emily, please talk to me!" I finally blurt out.
Our waiter arrives at just that moment to deliver our food, giving Emily an excuse to remain quiet for a little while longer.
She tentatively tries her food, getting the smallest spoonful. Then, she puts her spoon down and drinks her coffee.
I decide to just jump right into it, punching the white elephant in the face. "There's nothing I can do about it, Emily. Months ago, I made a mistake. I can't undo it."
"I don't want to talk about this now," she says quietly.
I should've ordered something stronger to drink. "Then when?"
"When we're finished here."
I hurry through dinner and take her to the city park next to the restaurant. It's more populated during the day, but it's almost abandoned right now. Perfect.
Something sad crosses her eyes, and she looks away, breaking the earnest eye contact I had moments ago.
"Talk. to. me. Please. Tell me what thought went through your mind just now, even if you think I don't want to hear it."
A set of tears leaves her eyes and falls down her cheeks. "A child, Alex! You're going to be a dad again, and I'm..." She doesn't finish.
"And you're what?" It's killing me to see her cry.
"And I'm not the mother!" she blurts out. "That... That woman gets to have your child, and I'm what? The fluff on the side? Daddy's evil girlfriend?"
I just caught something in what she said. I think she said the same thing last night, but I didn't catch it then. And the realization gives me hope. She said gets. As in--
Emily wants to have my baby.
The idea makes me lightheaded, and all these wonderful images fly into my mind: Emily pregnant and glowing, Emily holding my baby, Emily playing with our children.
I want that.
She backs her head up in surprise. "What? That's not what I said. I'm worried about when the child gets here--where do I fit into the equation?"
"You fit into the equation as someone I'm hopelessly in love with. I want a life with you--for as long as the world lets me. You said 'gets,' Emily. You said it last night too. As in: why does she get to and I don't? Is that what you want?"
She looks totally and utterly lost. "Alex, you are jumping ahead way too fast. I mean, yeah, someday I do. But before we know it, there will be another element to the equation, and I want to know how I continue to fit into it."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you. Sure, Selena is going to have my child, and I'm going to do everything I can to be in its life. But you are the one who matters most, Emily. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but it's the truth. I won't lie. I want us. If you want kids, then yes, let's have some. Let's get married and live a wonderful life together." Oh plum! Did I just say that? Well, I AM ready to drop to one knee--right now--if she gives me the slightest hint that--
"That's too much, Alex. I was only asking about short term. That's about all I can handle at the moment. I'm still so mad that you could be that careless."
"That was months ago!"
"And what's going to happen in a few months time? So much is changing so fast that my head is spinning trying to catch up! Now you're talking about getting married?" She jerks her hand free.
"I'm sorry, Emily. I don't know what else to say."
"I know, and... Well, I need a little more time to wrap my head around all this." She pauses. "I'm going home. I'll see you in the morning."
She's not even willing to ride home with me, she wants away from me so badly.
She's not even willing to ride home with me, she wants away from me so badly.
Is it bad to wish that Selena would lose the baby?
Yes. I hate that thought, but it's there.
All I can do is hope that Emily comes around and is willing to accept the fact that Selena is pregnant with my child. She knows I don't love Selena, never have. Emily knows I love her.
So does this mean that if I'd been a single father with a child, Emily wouldn't give me the time of day? That thought seriously depresses me. I hate thinking so negatively of her; it's not natural.
Instead of thinking negatively, I imagine what might've happened just now.
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