Lemming 6: Swallowing Ink

      With her perpetual smile, Jenny goes and gets some grilled cheese as well. Justin comes in, tells me he's going to go take a nap, and walks into his bedroom. Jenny starts chattering to me about what's happening at school. I listen politely, trying to pay attention, but to be honest, I barely hear any of it. Mostly, I wait for an opening to tell her what I have to tell her.
  

      I can't do it. I need to talk to Monique first before telling the children anyway.
      "Are you okay, Daddy?" Jenny asks me, talking with her mouth full.
      "Don't talk with your mouth full," I say dully. "No, I'm not okay, but I need to talk to Mommy."
      "She's outside on the treadmill again. Want me to go get her?" she asks in her chipper, little voice.
      "No. That's okay. I'll catch her later." I finish the remaining half of my sandwich in two bites. If my mouth is full, I don't have to talk.

    About five minutes later, I get my chance.
    "Monique, may I speak with you a sec?"
    "Mitchell, you don't have to apologize again. I get it; you get it; we're fine," she tells me quickly.
    "No," I disagree, "we're not fine. That...hurt more than anything I've ever experienced."

    "Oh," she says like she thinks she's had a realization. "I'm sorry then. Does that make it better?" She stands absolutely still and swallows thickly, her eyes widening more and more with every passing moment.

     "What?" she asks me.
     I look at her and say nothing. I can't do it! She needs me. I'm the only one who's ever stood by her side through thick and thin. I remember the first time I spoke with her. She'd been outside at the patio, crying over J telling her he wasn't interested in her. I'd told her I thought J was nuts for not being attracted to her because she was gorgeous. After that, things got heavy really fast.
     My eyes drop to the floor while I think and remember, and when I glance back up at her, I see her lower lip start trembling.
     I understand her. She's insane, but I didn't hold it against her. I'm the only one who hasn't.
     My eyes narrow at a new thought: The only one...besides Blaze. I was an idiot for believing that she's not still seeing him. Grocery store... huh. How could I have been so blind?

      "I'm done, Monique. We're done. I want nothing more to do with you," I say coldly, and she gasps before clamping her mouth closed.
      "Mitchell..." Her voice cracks when she can finally speak, but she doesn't finish.
      The sight of her pain tears at me, but I know I'm doing the right thing. I will not stand by and let her walk all over me any more.
      "But..." she tries to say.
      "I want you to move out too," I get in, making sure she understands what I mean when I tell her that I want nothing more to do with her.

     She really starts crying now and tries to hide it from me that she is.
     Look at her. She does care. Why else is she crying? I'd honestly expected her to do something odd, but this is actually pretty normal.
     "I'm sorry I don't want to get married, but I just can't handle that," she says quietly and sniffs.
     My gut twists painfully. I hate seeing her in pain, especially if I'm the cause. "Monique," I say and think, I'm an idiot. I take a step towards her, intending to wrap my arms around her.
     "This isn't how this is supposed to happen!" she suddenly growls, and I stop.
     My head shakes in surprise as I ask, "What?"


      "You're not supposed to be the one to break up with me," she says, and I feel like I just drank ink.
     "Excuse me?" I ask, my eyes wide and my head jerking back a bit.
     "You're not supposed to be the one to break up with me. If we were ever going to break up, it was going to be me to you," she clarifies, and I take a step back.
     And this is what bothers her most, I think. My heart beats hard in my chest. I almost comforted her! My head spins, so I ask her to sit at the table with me.

     "You're breaking up our family because I won't marry you," she states as she comes to sit in front of me. I can sense her mind whirling, probably ready to rehash everything we've already said in another way, in a way where she'll win.
     The front door behind me opens.

     "No, I'm 'breaking up' our pretend family by getting you out of the picture. You've never loved me and I don't think you ever had any intention to. I don't want my kids being raised by someone like you," I snap.
     "Someone like me? What the hell do you mean by that?" she asks defensively.
     I went too far with that one. I have no absolute proof she's cheating on me again, just a hunch. I stay quiet.
     Gavin speaks up behind me, "He means a cheating skank."
     She says some nasty things back at him, but he merely shrugs his shoulders and walks away to his room, carrying a plate of grilled cheese with him.

     "Hi, Mommy," Jenny says in her sweet voice when she suddenly appears in the room.
     Monique's wide eyes return to me suddenly. "What about the kids?"
     "They're staying here," I reply. "You're leaving." Dam-! I scream at myself after seeing the look on my daughter's face.
     Jenny starts crying, and I want to crawl into a hole and die. The two of us do our best to soften the blow to both kids since Justin comes out when he hears his sister crying.

(drives me crazy that they look too happy)

      Monique packs up her things and says bye to the twins, saying she'll see them as soon as she can. I don't know for sure where she's going. I suspect Blaze's.
     I stay at home with the kids this evening, using a vacation day. We play cards and watch TV with Jenny curled up beside me. She sucks her thumb, and I don't get onto her about it.

    On another note, J and Zoe's boy Adam grows to kid.

     The next day, I stay at home, moping, while Gavin works and the kids are at school. Gavin comes home, and I go to work. My whole routine is about me making fun of myself. When I get home from work, I hear all about how Gavin met someone through a mutual friend of theirs.

     Her name is Makayla. His face lights up as he talks about her, and I try to look happy for him.

    When he goes off to write her an email, I find a moment to let out a bit of my sorrow.

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Yeah, whoops. I used the same pic twice when making my collage. Oh well.