Chain Reaction 3.87: Psychological Battlefront

Alex

     What has happened to my family? I can't believe Alaric hates his mother so!

     I turn around to my wife, and I find her curled in upon herself. I finally make it home only to find the ones I love ripped apart. A mere grouping of days ago I worried I would never see them again. I'd thought death was my only escape. But now, I'm here. I have to mend my broken family.

     Emily must feel me staring at her. "I'm so sorry, Alex."

     Does it hurt that Emily gave in to Drake? Plum yes, it does. Does it affect how much I love her? Not a bit. Alaric, in his very crass manner, did paint a bit more of the picture for me. Emily gave up. It's not like she re-developed feelings for Drake. She just stopped fighting.

     Well, I have enough fight in me for both of us. I want this. I want us.

     But in order to do that, I have to set Emily free from the prison in her mind.

     "You don't need to apologize anymore."

     "But the way Alaric described it was utterly accurate." This is what she would've turned into had she and Drake never broken up.

     "But Drake is gone, and I'm here."

     Her face crumples up. "They made me believe you were dead."

     "I know." I hate seeing her cry.

     At least she's kissing me back. But she makes me fight for it. She doesn't want to kiss me back, even if she is. She wants us back the way we were just as much as I do, but something, some mental barrier, holds her prisoner.

     I pull on her waist and lean into her, needing more. I have more for about two seconds before she lets out a cry and fights me off. Then she practically leaps off the couch. I stand up to go after her, but what she says next makes me pause.

     "I just don't understand, Alex! I mean I do, but I don't. Why don't you hate me? Why aren't you angry?"

     Of course! Emily's logical mind can't make sense of this. That's the mental barricade. Yes, she knows I love her. Yes, she knows it's unconditional. But since I'm not angry at all, she feels like she has to punish herself--as some kind of penance.

    I don't want to be angry, but if I pretend to be, if I act it, maybe that'll help.

    I circle around her and stop her pacing.

      "You want to know why I'm not angry. You think this doesn't hurt?" I squeeze her arm. "Plum, yes, it hurts, Emily. I fought so hard to get back home, and when I get home, I find that the man who put me there has been laying with my wife whenever and wherever he pleased." She tenses. I can do this. "He'd done his best to stir up whatever dead ember he could find from their past. And his plan worked!"

     Her hand fists up at the front of my shirt, grabbing it in a desperate fashion. "No, it wasn't like that!" I can feel her looking at me, but I dare not open my eyes.

     I squeeze them shut, trying to mimic pain. "Oh it's not? You let him have you. You let him win." This is killing me. It's harder than I thought it would be.

     "I'm not as strong as I thought I was. He never truly won!" She shakes me. "Alex, look at me!"

     I do, and she mistakes the pain she sees in my eyes. I hate doing this to her.

     "He never won my heart. I couldn't fight him off physically."

     "Why didn't you ask for help?" Oh no. I crushed her.

     She clutches at me like her life depends on it and bawls into my shoulder. I cry too. I hate this. Emily, I'm sorry. 

     "I'm sorry! I don't know! All I can think or guess was that it was my stupid pride. I thought I could handle him. Then it got out of my control. Then they told me they found your body. Then I couldn't live with myself anymore. Drake found me and rushed me to the hospital where they pumped my stomach. I had a miscarriage. Then I just... gave up. He won that much at least. I was a living shell. I hated myself."

     Sonofabitch got her pregnant! I hate him.

     "All I could think was that it was probably good you were dead because I couldn't bear it if you found out how I'd failed. Then Mikey... saved me. I don't know how he got that footage, but it must've taken him ages to unscramble it. To this day, I still don't know how he did it. He's still working on it. I hired him. Seeing that one frame was like a bucket of ice water. It woke me up. I could fight Drake, and I did." She suddenly bawls again. "But that doesn't change that I let it happen!"

     I can't take it anymore! I have to make this stop! "After you fought Drake, after Mikey helped, what happened then--after that?" Please come around! 

     "Drake was arrested." She visibly relaxes. "And I went around in a sort of daze. And then you called. I couldn't believe it! I had hope for the first time in I don't even know how long. Then I realized you would find everything out, and I'm so sorry, Alex! I'll spend the rest of my life making it right!"

     My arms tighten around her.

      Tears stream down my cheeks. My Emily. My precious Emily. I'm so sorry. 

      "I love you, Alex."

      I squeeze her hard enough that it probably hurts her, but she doesn't complain. Nothing I was saying earlier worked. She had to do battle against herself--with me as the stand-in opposition. She needs to be the one thinking she's 'making it right.' It's already 'right.' If I have her in my arms again and she loves me, everything is not only right but perfect.

      The pinch in her voice shows how my tight embrace affects her. "I never stopped loving you."

      She has wonderful hair. I bury my face in it and breathe in. No one in this world or any other compares to the precious creature in my arms.

      My voice whines. "Emily... I missed you so much."

     "I don't deserve you." Her shoulders shake as she cries some more.

     "Whether you think you deserve me or not, you can't get rid of me." I pause. "I'll hunt you down no matter where you go, even locked in a prison in your own mind."

      She holds her breath for a moment. Then her voice has a kind of crying/laughing whisper. "Oh, you sneaky bastard. You wonderful, devious cad!" She's figured out everything I did after leaving the couch was purely to make her understand.

      I smile and shrug. "Eh, nobody's perfect."

      "I love you just the way you are."

      The two of us stand here talking until our legs and feet ache. I've decided that if it means Emily feels better about herself, I'll go ahead and 'let' her 'win me back.' To me, it's utterly preposterous, but to Emily, it means everything.

     We come upstairs, and I finally see for myself the single, most-important frame that proves Drake was standing behind me and firing a gun at Graham. Then we decide to lie down on the bed and talk about random things, trivial things, and part of my soul is restored. This is what I wanted: part of my life back.

     Everything isn't as it should be, though, and as Emily falls asleep, my thoughts return to Alaric. I somehow have to figure out how to help him forgive his mother.

click here to go to 3.1.1