Chain Reaction 3.12: Crazy About You

Jarvis

     Lottie is coming over again today. I should've stopped that ages ago, but the little shrimp is persistent. It's just...the older I get, the more I realize that a little girl visiting a teenage boy out in the woods is a bad idea. It just looks wrong. Of course, I'd never even dream of doing anything. Ever. The very idea makes me furious. But the fact remains that this situation could cause trouble if the right nosy person gets involved.

     I light a fire and sigh, wondering how I'm going to tell her to get lost. It's the same thing every time. It's just...well, it's also really nice to talk to her. She has a bubbly attitude that is somehow not annoying. I know if I told her to get lost that I'd miss her so much that I would get too depressed to even get up in the morning. She's just a kid. Just a smart, bright, sweet, sassy kid who acts like she's much older. But she's not much older. She's just a kid.

     "Hey, booger-brain!" I hear her.

     I take a deep breath. Here we go again. Then, I turn my head and see her. At least...I think it's her.

     I manage to make my mouth and voice work at the same time. "No. Way." Meanwhile, the me inside my head has started going gagablagooogoohmplfandelblesh. I shake my head and hit my forehead with the heel of my hand. "You can't be little Lottie."

     She cocks one curvy hip to the side. "I don't know. Did you shrink?"

     No shrinkage here. "Nope. You see, it's all a matter of perception. I only look shorter to you because you got taller." I smirk. I was just messing with her, knowing she knew that already.

     "I know that, bird brain. I was kidding."

     "I know you were. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to play along with it. Can't you take what you dish out, little Lottie?"

     "Hey! You can't call me that anymore!"

     "Watch me. Besides, I'll bet I could still carry you under my arm." My only hope to keep from looking ridiculous is to keep up the pretend fight we're having.

     "Nuh uh." She folds her arms.

     I pretend like I'm sizing her up. My eyes start at her feet to run up her legs to the curve of her hips moving into her exposed, narrower waist and then up to... Plum.
     I clear my throat. "Hm. You might be right. Your legs are too long. I guess I'll have to improvise and carry you over my shoulder instead." Can she see me breathing faster?

     She pretends to glare. "Do it and you'll probably not like where I kick you."

     "Ouch. Touché. I'll have to keep that in mind." Yeah. Keep your head on straight, Jarvis. What's happening?

     "So where are we going hunting today?"

     She has no idea. She really has no idea how plumbing hot she's just become. Well, my stomach has, apparently, because it's clenched up in a knot.

     "Well, uh," I scratch the back of my head, trying to stay cool, "I need to eat breakfast first." Aw, great. You're such a genius, Jarvis. Now you have to eat with your stomach forming itself into a pretzel.

     "Oh!" She looks excited. "I brought stuff! I'm so glad you said something. I can make bacon and eggs. Let me show you!" Please don't jump up and down like that.

      "Oh-kay," I hear myself slowly saying. Charlotte is going to cook for me, I think in a dreamy way.

      Whoa, Jarvis! Snap out of it! I take a step back. Aw, plum. Now I have to eat. My stomach complains audibly, and she hears it.

      Giggling, she says, "Hold on a sec. It takes a minute for them to cook."

      "Uh. Yeah. Sure." I pause. This is bad. This is really bad. Lottie? "Hey, uh, Lottie? I'm going to go take a short walk to keep from thinking about, um, food."

      "Okay," she replies happily, setting up the cookstove like she's seen me do it a hundred times.

      During my walk, I finally clear my head and tell myself that it was just the shock that she'd grown up. She's still Lottie, after all. It's really no big deal. In fact, it's good because we're in the same age group again. Yeah. This'll be better. She's not some kid hanging out in the woods with a teenager. She's...a teenager hanging out in the woods with a teenager. That's better, right? I decide it is.

      By the time I return to my campsite, I have completely convinced myself that I was crazy to start thinking Lottie is hot. She's just Lottie. We're friends.

      Then, she leans over to put my plate down, and her shirt slips before she can correct it. I have to take several deep breaths before I walk out of the trees where she can see me.

      I don't care if I have to run off and throw everything back up; I am going to eat every bite. I just hope I don't actually throw up, and if I do, let it be somewhere where she can't see.

     After forcing down what is probably a delicious breakfast, I have to talk about stuff to distract my crazy thoughts. "Uh, so... Chloe's a teenager too then."

     She misunderstands. Giggling, she says, "Yeah. You want me to set you up with her?"

     I grit my teeth for a second. "No. I was just talking." Doh! That sounded stupid. 

     She looks serious. "Can I ask you something?"

     As long as it doesn't have to do with setting me up with someone, yeah. "Sure."

     "Is it normal for best friends to date each other?"

     OMG. 

      I can't look at her. I've noticed she's too good at reading me. "Uh, it happens. Yeah."

      "Oh no."

      Huh? My head snaps up to her. "What do you mean?" She looks like she's about to cry. She was giggling a second ago! Talk about mood swings. "Lottie, what is it? Talk to me about it, whatever it is. You never know. You could be surprised by what I have to say."

      "Tommy kissed me."

     "What?" My mood swings now. I've never liked that little snot-rag, and I'll never forget that time I saw him kiss Lottie while we were all still kids. I'd carefully questioned her about it later, just to be sure she was okay, and she told me he didn't mean anything by it. I'd let it go because I'd become a teen by then. But now, we're all teens and he kissed her again.

     "Oh, don't worry. I got onto him about it." She misunderstands my look. "He started spouting how he..." She blushes and closes her eyes like she's embarrassed. "He said he was in love with me and that me thinking best friends dating is weird is wrong, that it happens all the time."

     "He's your best friend?" I ask before I can stop myself.

     Her eyes open. "Oh. Well, yeah. I mean, you are too, but I see him at school all the time and stuff."

     Yeah. Because you're the same age. Honestly, I'm jealous but I'd never admit it.

     "So it's not weird then?" she asks, reminding me of what she was asking earlier.

     I speak without really thinking. I just want to do anything to keep her from dating that little pipsqueak. "If you think it is, it is. Okay? If you feel weird about it, then..." I realize what I'm saying and how it might come back to bite me later. Well, we aren't weird. It's just all this stuff this afternoon is weird. Which means things are weird. Plum.

     "Then?" she prompts.

     "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." There. "Let's go searching for junk."

     "Okay." She pauses. "Hey, Jarvis?"

     "Yeah?"

     "Thanks."

     "Don't mention it." This is crazy. So what if Tommy is in love with little Lottie. That shouldn't matter to me. I mean, I can't blame him. She's wonderful, and now, she's hot to boot.

      Plum.

     Today's session of hunting for discarded junk is labeled 'hey, Jarvis, wait up.' Does she have to wear that type of shirt? Does she have to have those hips? Must she have an amazing rack? And that's to say nothing of those eyes. I'd sell everything I own and go completely broke again for those eyes.

     She's just Lottie! Damn it, Jarvis! Get that through your head!

     "I'll go fish up some dinner, okay?" she asks me in her chipper, perky voice.

     "Good idea." I try to sound happy, but I don't know how well it works.

     Not to mention she has a great ass.

     This is insane! It's just physical. Yeah. That's all. It's not like I'm crazy about her. I'm just a dude acknowledging that she's hot. I'm a guy, right?

     She turns around and sees me staring at her butt. Wait, no. She couldn't tell. She waves happily. "Find anything?" she calls up to me.

     I hold up my hand in a kind of wave, make some kind of strange speaking-type-but-not-really noise, and turn around to go find some rocks.

     Flea market day arrives again, and this time Charlotte is going to help out.

     I make several hundred simoleans. Lottie is amazing. Maybe when I open a store she can work there with me too. Then I could see her every day. That would be wonderful. Because we're friends.

     Later, she talks about wanting to get something from the food stands.

     "You know," I tell her in response, "today was a really great day, thanks in part to you. Let's go out and celebrate." I'm not asking her out.

     "You mean like a restaurant? Are you sure? They're kind of expensive, aren't they?"

     She knows me so well. "Oh, yeah. Nothing like a fancy place." Because that would seem too much like a date. "We could go to this diner I know of. Its prices are okay."

     "Okay." She smiles. Yes! But it's not a date.

      This is great. I'm eating at a diner with Lottie. I haven't eaten in a restaurant in years due to the expense, but today, I don't care. It's worth it.

     She's talking about something. I've lost track of what it is, but that's okay. As long as I look like I'm paying attention, she's happy. I'm paying attention. I'm studying her face.

      "...piano lessons, and we don't even own a piano!"

      "Crazy," I comment.

      She smiles at me. "I know, right?"

      Her features are so perfect. It's like an artist chiseled her from marble, smoothing out her cheek, creating the perfect nose, remaining generous with her lips. Her ears are perfect. I wonder what it would be like to brush her hair aside so I could see them better. Oh, but then, her hair...I'm so glad she didn't cut it. But even if it were cut, it would just highlight her face more. It's a win-win.

     "...and I almost died in shock when he started talking to me again."

     "Huh?" Our food arrives.

     "So where was I?"

     "Uh..." Oops.

     "Oh yeah. Tommy. He still thinks we should date." She pouts.

     "Poor guy," I hear myself saying.

     "What? Why would you say that?"

     Oh, plum. "I mean, well, he's crazy about you, right?"

     "But I don't get it! Why?"

     I take another bite of my burger and drink some water, not answering.

     "Jarvis? Maybe you can help me understand. You're a guy." She pouts. "I need your help."

     I still have some food in my mouth. "Because you...are wonderful. I mean," I swallow, "a better question would be why wouldn't he? You're sweet. And funny. And smart. And sensitive. And I'm an idiot if I try to tell myself I'm not crazy about you."

     She doesn't say anything. She just starts looking worried.

     OH PLUM!

     "I mean, well, I'm just trying to put myself in his..." I stop when she starts shaking her head no. I've never been able to lie to her, and I won't start now. "Well, he..." Nope. "I..."

     Plum. Can I just disappear now? How could I have screwed up like that? I've been doing so well for weeks. Sure, I've thought about her every day. I've fantasized about her every night. If I'm lucky, we make out in my dreams. But she's not suspected. Or if she has, she's been able to pretend she hasn't. I've screwed it all up now, and it's doing nothing but get worse since I'm sitting here looking devastated.

    I may as well spill my guts. "Charlotte, honestly, I don't want you to start talking to him again because I don't want you to start possibly dating him because I'd rather... If you date anyone, I want it to be me."

     "I need to visit the restroom," she says quietly.

     "Okay." Don't mind me as I ruin everything. I'll just sit here as everything crumbles around me.

     She gets up, and I pay the bill. I have to get out of here.

     Some friend I am. I knew. I knew from everything she's told me about her troubles with Tommy that she doesn't want to date anyone. I'm guessing she's just not ready, and I'm okay with that. But then, she just had to ask. Sure. I could tell her all about why Tommy says he's in love with her. In that respect, we're kindred spirits.

      She texts me, asking me where I am. I tell her. I'm not far, just sitting on a bench in a little park alcove. She's coming over here, and I'm going to have to tell her how I feel. This isn't how I imagined it would be. I thought for sure that I'd have to wait a little while and then she might come to realize she has feelings for me. At least, that's what I hoped would happen. Maybe she'd be shy about it but I would definitely tell her it was all okay. It worked in my fantasies.

      Oh, plum. Here she comes. I can hear her. I can't look. I've been blissfully staring at her all evening, but I can't look at her now. I don't want to see her expression.

     "Did you mean it?" she asks, sounding sad.

     Don't look. "You know I did."

     "Why?"

     "Because..." My knee starts bouncing up and down. "Please don't make me have to say it again." I want to scream in frustration. How could I have screwed up so badly?

     "Say what again?"

     I huff. "You have no idea, do you? I didn't want anyone tagging along with me, yet there you come acting sweet and cute. Even as kids, I couldn't resist. Every time you'd come over, I'd tell myself, 'Today is the day I tell her to get lost.' But I couldn't do it. Seeing you again is my reason for getting up in the morning. Then, you aged up, and holy plum, Charlotte! It's a miracle I could talk. I probably looked like an idiot."

     "What do you mean 'holy plum'?"

     If I weren't so used to it by now, my jaw would drop. Fine. I'll tell her. "You're plumbing gorgeous, Charlotte!" I knew it. She's leaning back, teetering on overwhelmed. But she asked for it. "Where do I begin? First of all, your hips. Maker, I love to watch you walk. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but you should probably think about wearing a bra. Haven't you noticed me staring at you? I spent the last hour studying every aspect of your beautiful face." I reach my hand up, suddenly dying to touch her hair. "And your hair-"

     "Don't," she tells me quickly and scoots a tiny bit away, but it may as well be acres. My hand freezes in place before closing into a fist.

     "ARUGH! I'm ruining everything! I wasn't going to tell you all this stuff because I know from everything you've told me that you're not ready, but now I feel like if I don't, I'll explode. That's probably why it slipped out. I've been constantly trying to tell myself that we're just friends, but that slip earlier proved how that didn't work."

     "But... We are just friends. And you're right; I'm not ready. I can't promise I ever will be." She pauses. "I just don't understand the need to date when being friends is so great. I guess there's something wrong with me if you're the second guy to-"

     "There's nothing wrong with you," I interrupt. "You have your own pace, and I knew that."

     "But then, what if, sometime in the future, I am ready to date but it's someone else. What if it's Tommy?"

     She just ripped open my heart with a dull pocket knife, having to drag it extra hard and not having the slice be a clean cut. In my mind, I see her with Tommy, and I want to throw up the burger I only half-finished. I couldn't live through that. So what do I do?

     "I can't do this anymore, Charlotte. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I can't just be your friend anymore. I'd rather stop it now so that I'm not utterly crushed when I see you with someone else."

     She starts crying, and it kills me inside. "Jarvis, sit down. Please. We can talk this out, find a compromise."

     I almost laugh ironically, but I keep myself in check. "No. I can't take back what I said. I love you, Lottie, but I won't stand around waiting for my heart to be completely broken."

     The floodgate of her tears breaks, and I shake as I hold back the urge to sit down and hold her while she cries. I know if I do that I might do something crazy like kiss her, being no better than Tommy.

     I have to go. I have to let her go or she will destroy me. I hate the thought of her hurting, but I know she'll be okay in time. I may never be, but I know that stopping this now will save me heartache in the end. Even when it came to just picking her best friend, I know she really only thought Tommy. Why would she choose me? I'm a nobody, a wannabe.

     I whisper, "Goodbye."

     I still hear her crying, and I know that will haunt me for years.

     Keep walking, Jarvis. It's better for you and her in the long run. You never really needed her from the start. This was a one-man show anyway, right? I have to be doing the right thing. I've been going insane trying to keep how I feel from her, and it turned out that didn't work. I can't keep pretending I only want to be her friend.

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The diner: