Chain Reaction 3.1.16: Obsession

     Darrin sees me through the front door window. I decide to go ahead and let him in.

     He looks scared. "Are you okay? Have you noticed anything suspicious? Anyone hanging around your house that shouldn't be there?"
     Other than you? "No, I haven't."
     "You didn't see anyone sneaking around your house this evening?"
     "No. I was... busy." And it's none of your business. "What's going on, Darrin?"
     "An inmate told a guard who told the department. Drake Goth has hired a hitman."
     I'm fully awake now.

     "Are you sure?"
     "There's always the possibility that it's false information, but I don't want to take any chances. With your permission, I'd like to do a search of the perimeter."
     "Ye-yeah. Go ahead."
     "Thanks." He pulls out a flashlight and gun from somewhere, checks the clip, and walks out the front door into the night.
     Holy sh*t! I knew Drake hated me, and I realized the possibility that he'd seek revenge. But I guess I got too comfortable. Now, Darrin is out there risking his life for me.
     I don't hear anything, so I go have a seat on one of my little couches. After an eternity, Darrin lets himself in and has a seat on the other one. I relax a little bit now that I know he's okay.

     "Well?" This is the first time Darrin's been to... well, inside... my house. It's strange. And I don't want to think about how much I like it.
     "I didn't see anyone." He looks relaxed--just a little. "But... I did find some suspicious footprints."
     "What should I do?" Get on my knees in front of you and...
     Plum, Mike. Stop! I really hope he didn't just read my expression.
     He lets out a slow breath. "I'd like to... hang around for a while, for the night... Just to keep watch!" He rubs his palms downward on his pants a few times--like he's nervous.
    "You want to be my bodyguard." It's more of a statement.
    He swallows. "Sort of. Yeah. While I'm off-duty. For your protection."
    I do a kind of shrug for hands. "I guess I don't have a problem with it, but..." I look around.
    Understanding, he says, "I'll sleep on the couch."
    "These are terrible couches to sleep on, Darrin." What am I doing? Inviting him into my bedroom?
    "It beats sleeping on the floor. I'll be fine." He asks where my bathroom is, and I tell him.
    When he comes out, I see he's removed his tie, suspenders, and shoes. He stashes everything, including the gun, under the couch, the gun being easily accessible. We say our goodnights, and I go back to my room.
     Damn him. It's hard to go back to my Ivy fantasy with Darrin mere feet away in the next room. What would he have done if I'd been successful in getting Ivy to my house tonight? My mind travels down that avenue until I have to use the restroom.

     And there he is.
     He starts for a second, and his hand immediately goes for under the couch. Then he sees it's me, relaxes, and goes back to a sleep-like state.
     He's here--personally--to protect me. He's really scared. My heart aches at all the implications.
     Will I ever get over him?
     I go use the restroom and come back. I can't help but look at him. I want to look at him. I've missed looking at him.

     He whines, "Miiiiiike, go back to sleep."
     I smile. "I'm normally awake at night lately."
     All I get is a mumbled reply, and he tries to get comfortable again.
     He misses me too. He said so. He's here. He's scared I'm in danger. Well, I am if what he said is true. And he doesn't want to leave me.
     He still loves me. The thought just sits there in the semi-darkness like it was waiting to be found. After all, he never said he didn't. I, in fact, have been the only one to utter the opposite. And it was because I was deeply hurt.
     I imagine what would happen if I went over and kissed him right now. He'd probably say no. Then he'd push me away. Then he'd lean forward and kiss me. Then it would be wonderful for an unknown number of moments. Then he'd remind me how he doesn't want to get back together. And I would be crushed again.
     So it's kiss him and get crushed or do nothing and have everything stay the same. I don't want either. I just want him.
     Well, I'm not drunk this time, so I have no excuse for bad decisions.
     I get up and go back to bed. I sleep for a few hours before getting up again.

     And I find Darren sitting at my table in his socks. He's helped himself to some leftovers. I don't mind one bit.

     He looks guilty when I sit down. "Sorry. I hope you don't mind me helping myself."
     I smile. "Not at all."
     He sighs, looking exhausted. "I have to go to work."
     "I know." I offer another small smile when he looks up. Yes, silly, I still remember your work schedule.
     "I'm... I'm nervous, Mike. I'm going to send someone by to... to watch the house. So, uh, don't flip out if you see a black and white sitting on the street near here all day." He means a squad car.
     "Okay." I wait to see if he says more. He doesn't. "I don't really have any plans to leave. I'm just going to sleep some more and then get up and do some work." I'm talking about stuff for Aunt Em.
     He smiles just a little. "I really like your videos."

     That shocked me. "You what? You watch my videos?"
     Bigger smile. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"
     Darrin, stop it! I've more than once indirectly mentioned him--just calling him my ex. Sometimes directly with the friend bits. I was never specific about him, protecting his identity. Now he knows close to exactly what I was thinking during certain parts of our relationship. I, of course, made it funny by making myself look like a goofball, but the fact that Darrin himself knows...
     I don't know if I'll be able to be as honest as I was before. I cover my face. "I wasn't expecting you to watch them."
     "Why? They were easy to find. And you did an amazing job keeping me unidentifiable."
     Plum. He KNOWS it was about him. Just hide me under the floorboards for a while.
     Through my fingers, I see him smiling as he gets up to wash his bowl. Then he goes to the restroom to get ready for work. After that, he stands near the door and asks me to be safe and that he'll see me later.
     "Okay." I'm mortified. My smile, sometimes, looked obviously fake in the earlier videos.
     I know I put that stuff out there for people to see, but I didn't expect Darrin to be even interested in watching it.
     Needing to rewatch them, I dash to the basement.

     To the untrained eye, everything looks the silly kind of normal, but Darrin has the inside scoop, the ability to read between the lines.
     Wait a minute... 'Easy to find'?!
      Easy to find. Easy to find... I sit back in my chair and put my hand over my mouth.
      Easy to find as in he was searching me up on the internet. Cyberstalking. That's how he got my address after all. He may have even used the police database to get it.
     So he dumps me and then does searches for me? He watches my videos? He's driven by my house a few times? ...maybe more than a few.
     But he acted surprised by my hair. Well, I usually don't tie it back on the videos like I do when I'm working out.
     But still! Why else would he cyberstalk me if he didn't have some kind of obsession?
     He really meant it when he said he missed me. I bang my fist against the desk. Damn him!
     I go over to my other computer and force myself to do work for a while. I can't think about my earlier realization or I'll lose my mind in 'what if'-land.

     Later, I do some yoga. I'm desperate to find inner balance. Darrin has me so off-kilter that I'll go mad if I think too much about it. So I focus on breathing for a good half hour.
     When I'm finished, I feel better.
     But that doesn't last.

     Darrin knocks once then lets himself in. "I hate my parents."
     My voice is nonplussed. "Hi, Darrin. Come on in."

     "They keep inviting random women over to dinner in an effort to set me up with one of them." Ow. If I consider Ivy, my jealousy isn't fair. But I can't help it. "Tonight it was a redhead. A schoolteacher. A kindergarten teacher. She had the most annoying voice! It was like even though she was talking to adults, she couldn't turn off the 'teacher voice' she probably uses." He sighs and opens his eyes. "I had to get out." He finally sees my expression. "Um... Could I... stay here again tonight?"
     "Fine," I reply before passing him and going down the stairs.
     He follows me.

     Now I have the impossible job of trying to get some work done. At least he doesn't try to get me in a conversation.
     He just wants to be near me.
     Then he should plumbing get over his hangups about our relationship! You can't stalk someone you know loves you then say you can't be together. I think Darrin is possibly hurting worse from the breakup than even I am.
     Well, he did it to himself.
     My phone buzzes. Ivy. Good. I answer quietly and then creep up the stairs.

     I'm still on the phone, and Darrin comes rushing upstairs in a panic.
     "I'll call you back." She says that's okay, and I hang up. I turn to my ex-boyfriend. "What?"
     "You disappeared. I didn't mean to sleep that deeply."
     I roll my eyes before going to my room and slamming the door.

     The following morning, my morning-time that is, something smells delicious.

     Darrin made breakfast. And he'd packed pajamas. Pants only. And he looks as delicious as the food smells.
     And this has to stop.