Chain Reaction 3.1.15: Confidence

     I'm going to dinner with Ivy tonight. I don't know if it's an actual date, but I'm going to get ready like it is. Maybe we can discuss whether or not it is over dinner. I have butterflies. That's a good sign, right? It means there's a possibility that I could develop feelings for someone else.

     Because I simply have to get over Darrin. The other night at the club brought me three steps backwards. It's like we broke up days ago instead of months ago. It hurts! It hurts all over again.

     I finish getting ready for the maybe-date and get to the restaurant. I'm relieved she doesn't stand me up.

     I'm wearing something new. I wonder if she realizes she's wearing the same outfit she wore at the bar. Not that I mind. She still looks great.
     Darrin looked great at the club... Stop it! Maybe someday I'll be able to control my thoughts.

     After we order, we sit here quietly. Who's supposed to start the conversation? Me? I've never had to wonder about these things before.
     Plum. "You look great tonight." That's what people say, right?
     She smiles sheepishly. "Thanks. Yeah, I realized after I left the house that I'm wearing the same thing I wore to the bar."
     "Well, we all have our favorite outfits."
     "Exactly! Thank you!" She really looks at me for the first time. "Is that new?" The shirt still has that extra-crisp look. That may be the reason she can tell. That, or she's also just trying to make conversation.

      I smile, relaxing just a bit more. "Yeah. I figured why not. It's been a while since I've been to dinner with someone." Hint. Please tell me in some way if this is a date or not.
      Oh well. On some small level, it doesn't matter. The fact is that I'm having dinner with a pretty girl, something the me-before-Darrin only dreamed about. Even if it's not a date, maybe I can charm my way into one. Somehow.
      "So I've been thinking about what we could do with the collab." Okay. I guess she wants to get right into it.
      "Great! What are your ideas?"

     "Well, you know my show centers around things that drive people crazy... in various ways."
     "Yeah?" Is she going to blindfold me and torture me sexually? She has pushed the envelope, if only in mind games, before.
     "Okay, so your show is based upon you answering five random questions put forth by your viewers." She pauses. "By the way, how do you choose the questions?"

     "That's pretty easy to guess. I have to make it funny, so I think about how I'd answer and choose the best ones."
     "Because I've read the comment section a few times, and some of those questions get really... personal. Then you've surprised me by answering them. Of course, the answer was hilarious. You really have no trouble at all making yourself look and act ridiculous. I think that alone is your ticket to success."
     "So what were your thoughts?" Because I just got an idea if she didn't. Honestly, I hadn't been able to think of one yet. I've been too distracted with... other things. Ugh.
     "What if I promo'ed a future episode and asked my viewers to come up with questions?"
     My mouth drops. "I was thinking the same thing! Except your viewers make me... nervous."
     Our food arrives while she giggles at what I said.

      "Well, my viewers making you nervous is the whole point, isn't it? They want you nervous. And you do 'nervous' so well. It's really cute."
      That took me by surprise, so I have no control over my blush.
      "There! Right there! That's what I want! Try and hold some of that in, okay?"
      "I don't think we'll have much problem with that because you seem to bring it out of me." I have to find out!
      But she misunderstands. "Don't worry about it. I'm just a person." She thinks I'm talking about her fame.
      "Yeah I know that." Plum it all. I'm going to have to be obvious if I'm ever going to find out if this is a date. "It's just I think you're hot."
      She blinks in surprise, and that makes me nervous. She's surprised... meaning she didn't think of this as a date. Maybe that's not it.
      "I'm really... flattered, especially coming from you." She starts blushing.
      I smile. I'm getting somewhere at least. "Why especially me?"
      "Well, it's not every day a gay man tells me I'm hot."
      Uh, what?

     "I'm not gay." Plum. Maybe I am? No. Because up until two seconds ago, I thought she was hot. Now I'm just upset. Upset that the whole time, she never saw this as a date.
     "But... But when you talked about your ex..." She looks like she wants to crawl into a hole. "You said 'him.' Didn't you?"
     Somehow, I don't think this collab is going to happen after all. "Yes..." And?

     I've never seen a woman drink a glass of wine so fast in my entire life. In some small way, I feel sorry for her. She really stepped in it just now. Put her whole face in it.
     Do I seem gay to everyone? I think back to the barista. Yeah, but I was with Darrin in that moment. Or maybe the barista makes a pass at all the guys, maybe everyone, at the gym, hoping that eventually it'll work. I'm not attracted to men in general. Or for that matter, women in general. I'm attracted to attractiveness. It seems logical enough to me.
     "Mike, I'm..."
     "Don't worry about it," I interrupt her apology. "That was an easy mistake, I guess. I did say 'him,' after all." Someone else who put me in a box.
     "When I first met you, I thought you were cute, and it made me a little nervous. That's why I was such a chatterbox. Then you mentioned your ex was a man, and I thought you were only interested in getting a collab. So I stopped being nervous."

      I made her nervous? And she's talking quickly again. Does that mean she's nervous again?
      She said I'm cute. I feel a small smile creeping into my features. She's still talking, gone off-topic into a random tangent. I'm going to consider this a good thing.
      She takes a breath. "I really just need to stop talking."
      I smile. "No, I like the talking." I take a bite of my food.
      "It's just I feel ridiculous. I'm such a goof-up sometimes. You should see what I edit out of my videos." She pauses. "So are you considering this a date?"
     Finally! "Well, I'd like to." I look down at my plate and up at her a couple of times. Then I sit back with my arms folded, a smile/smirk on my face. Am I hot? This is a new experience for me. She's squirming in her seat.

      "Well, I mean, we could... It's just... Wow, if I'd have known, I'd have fixed myself up better than this."
     "I already told you you look great."
     "Yeah, but..." She blushes. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
     "But what?" I smile when her face turns even more red. This is great!
     She clears her throat, shakes her head slightly, and says in a stronger tone of voice, "Let's start again. Hi, my name is Ivy Stewart."
     I'll play along. Only this time, I'm aware of the effect I have on her. I take her hand--but not in handshake form. "Hello, Ivy. I'm Michael Taylor." My voice has a timbre to it that I know has to be affecting her. I don't give back her hand, instead brushing the fingertips of my other hand across it. "You have very soft hands, Ivy. What do you do for a living?"
     After this, the date goes so perfectly that it's like a dream, a fantasy. I guess all I needed was a little confidence.
     Finished eating, I pay, and we take a little stroll on the boardwalk, holding hands. She talks; I listen.
     But I want more.

     "Such soft hands." I sort of channel some things I've seen Uncle Alex do. He would know what to do here.
     "Mike, you really are romantic."
     I smile. "Am I?" I lick between her first two fingers. And bold. Just like when I was drunk at--
     Stop it, dammit! I want to be with this woman.
     She struggles to speak. "Yes, you are."
     Plum. Go for it.
     I pull her hand down and step closer.

     I whisper into her ear, "And you're stunning."
     Now.

     She doesn't act surprised. She wants it, and I give her some of the best kissing I've ever done. I've had a good teacher. Stop it! I reach down and press her hips into mine, squeezing her ass. I want still more.

     She's panting. "We should... do this again... Are you free... Friday?"
     Friday? I'm free tonight. I want to invite her back to my place.
     She's not a do-it-on-the-first-date kind of girl. I give her a quick kiss. "Yeah." That's fine. I guess I shouldn't really rush into something.
     We say our goodnights, and I make sure she gets safely into a cab.
     I'm going to be okay.

     I go home and go to bed. I'm not tired at first, so I let my mind wander in fantasies about Ivy. When I'm half-asleep, I hear a pounding at my front door.

     What the...?