Chain Reaction 3.23: Can't Live Without You

Charlotte

      I am so incredibly lonely. I know it's no one's fault but mine, but I know what I want and what I don't want.
      Don't I?
      It's been weeks since I last spoke to Jarvis or Dwight. I suppose Tommy being my chem lab partner classifies as 'talking.'

       "Lottie," I hear. Oh no. Jarvis. Sure enough, he walks over to me.
       I guess I can't just sit here and mind my own business.

      I don't say anything. I know why he's here, why he was probably out hoping to find me. I hate this. I miss him most of all. Even more than Dwight. But I can't let us become a couple.
      "Hi," he says. He's scared and nervous, and knowing it's all my fault just makes me feel worse. The last thing I want is to hurt him. Why can't he understand that? All I do is hurt him. And if all I do is hurt him, I need to stay away from him.
       "How did you know I was here?"
       He sighs. "Chloe told me this would be a good place to check."
       Plumbing sister. I have to pick a new spot again. "Oh," I reply simply.
       "Charlotte, I'm so sorry. Maybe my timing was bad. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to hide how I feel for so long. I was starting to think you and Tommy would never break up, and once I heard you had, I guess I wanted to jump at the chance to ask you to give me a chance. You weren't ready for that, and I'm sorry." He pauses. "Please just come back to work."
      So he's going for this tactic today. "I can't."
      "Why? Did you get a new job? Quit that one. Come back to the store. That's all I'm asking."

     "No. Jarvis, you don't understand." And I don't know how to explain it.
     "Then help me understand!"
     "I can't!"
     "You can't what? You can't come back to the store? You can't help me understand?"
     "Yes."
     "Look, I told you: I got overeager. You'd dated the guy a year for plum's sake. I was an idiot, out of line. You need time."
     "No. Listen to me! I can't, Jarvis. I just can't. I can't come back to the store. I wish I could make you understand why I can't date you!" I'm ready to explode. I myself don't even understand it, but I know that if I date Jarvis that it would kill me if something should happen and he was hurt. I'd rather he experience this little loss than the huge one if we should become a thing. I can't bear pain like that again.
     "Why do you keep saying 'can't'? What's stopping you? Are we secretly related?" He pouts angrily as he says the next thing: "Because don't you dare say it's because you're not attracted to me."
     I'm not listening to this! I stand up.

     He springs off the bench. "Where are you going? I'm sorry."
     "I'm going home." I turn to go.
     "Please come back to work. I'll get on my knees and beg if I have to."
     "Stop it. Don't do that to me."

     "Then, Lottie, tell me what to do."
     "Give up on this idea that we can be a couple." Ow. Ow ow ow. It's like I stabbed him. I can feel it. It's awful. I have to get away because it hurts so badly. "I'm sorry," I whisper and start crying.

     I'm bawling like a toddler. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, but I couldn't stop it. Why does he have to be so stubborn?
     He's barely holding himself together. "I ... can't. I love you. I can't just turn that off like water at a sink. You're the only person I've ever loved, Lottie -- in any fashion. I can't just give that up. I know I was an ass to force you to see that you have feelings for me, but I don't believe you when you say you don't. It's just I can't ...live... without you."
     Stark terror streaks through me. I have to go. Now. Without any further explanation, I turn on my heel and run away from him. He calls out but doesn't chase me.
    It'll be fine eventually. But I can't bear the pain again.