Chain Reaction 3.1.27: Withholding Information

Kate Milligan

     After spending most of the day at Alaric's house, I go home to find my parents both drunk. The trailer smells like stale cigarettes, booze, and vomit. I can't bear it, so I escape. Earlier, Kyra had texted me about a small party by the lighthouse. Alaric said he didn't want to go. I'm actually okay with that since according to him, I'm at home. I don't want to answer awkward questions as to why I suddenly decided to leave.

     It really is a small party, probably only about fifteen or so people from school.

     And one of them is Chaz. I'm not in the door five seconds before his eyes lock onto me, and he smiles a little smile. I have to find Kyra. Now. I ask someone, and she tells me she went outside.

     Outside. Even better.

     "Hi, Kyra." Recently, she and I have been becoming friends. With Alaric begging me to hang out with him and his friends, I gravitated towards her ever since that day at the ruins. Alaric said that was the first time she'd hung out with all of them, so that bonded us together in another way, both of us being the newbies and all.

     I'd never really bothered with friends before. I'm only doing it for Alaric. Besides, with my thesis finished and sent off, being in limbo waiting for an answer would drive me crazy if I didn't have the distraction of friends.

     She stares off into the water, knowing it's me. "Have you ever wished Neverland was real?"

     "No. I can't wait to grow up."

     She sighs and turns around. "Where's Alaric?"

     "Oh. I, uh, he's at home." I shrug.

      "You mean you're actually socializing without him dragging you here?" She smiles like she's laughing at me--but in a good way.

      "My parents were being world-class jerks, so I slipped out." Yeah. Make it look like I did it by choice. Honestly, I don't want to be here, but I'd rather be here with people than at the library right now. The library would drive me insane because I'd just want to rewrite my thesis, which wouldn't do me any good.

     "Kate! I didn't take you for a rebel," she teases.

     I smile nervously. "Well, I'm trying."

     She nods. "Good for you." She pulls her lips in, contemplating something. "Have you, um, told him yet?"

      "No, and you promised you wouldn't." Did she tell him? I don't want to deal with his fretting adding to my own.

      Alaric doesn't know I've already sent off my scholarship application. My guidance counselor at school thinks I have a shot at starting university early. Alaric would freak if he knew, and the only way I can make it work is if I get a full scholarship. It might not happen, so I didn't tell him. Why worry him if it comes to nothing?

     But I'd told Kyra. Maybe it was a test? I had to tell someone, though. My heart rate increases in worry. I don't open up to people. I don't know what it is about Kyra that made me do it.

     "I haven't. Other than when we're all together, I never see him."

     "Okay." I breathe a small sigh of relief, and the doors to the lighthouse open, letting out a momentary deluge of noise. Then it stops when the doors close.

     "Kate, why don't you just tell him?"

     "You know what he'd do with that knowledge, Kyra." She's known him much, much longer than I have. The two of them come from the same world: that world where no one has to worry about where the money is going to come from. They're both 'old money.' In some ways, I see how Kyra is spoiled, but she's not horrible about it. "And besides, what if I don't get it? Then I would've worried him for nothing."

     "Yeah, but no matter what happens, he's going to hear the results. If you do get it, you'll be leaving. If you don't get it, he'll be able to read your mood and know something's up. Wouldn't it be better to tell him now?"

     "I just want to avoid the unnecessary freak out! Don't you know what he's like? He'll go into a panic and try to keep me from going." Again, I wonder why I even got into a relationship in the first place, but as usual, it doesn't take me long to answer myself. It's just... Alaric is hot. He's like, wild but with a heart of gold, full of rage at injustices yet tender and loving to those of us he lets in. Of course, he's also petty, stubborn, and spoiled, but that all disappears when he simply looks at me that way, that kind of... like he's saying 'I see you for who you are, and who you are is what I want.' It's swoon worthy! He's a bad boy who's really a good boy who's pretending to be an even badder boy.

     "I can't imagine he'd be able to keep you from going. No one's ever been able to handle him like you do."

     "I don't even know what that means. I never feel like he's 'handled.'" She's mentioned this to me before, and I didn't understand it then either.

     "No, he's different. Or rather, the same. I mean the way he used to be when he's around you."

     "Evening, ladies." Oh plum no. Not Trey. He's THE WORST of all of them, the one I avoid at all costs. His picture shows up in the dictionary under 'obnoxious.' I'd rather ANYONE but Trey, even Chaz.

     Kyra looks over at him calmly while I stand here fuming. "Hey, Trey. Chaz."

     Okay well maybe not Chaz.

     Before Alaric and I started dating, Chaz tried to be my shadow, and all I wanted was for him to go away. Since that didn't look to be happening, I thought I might be friendly, and THAT'S when the 'puppy eyes' would start. I'm extremely threatened by those 'puppy eyes.'

     Not to mention that little stunt at the ruins has me on my guard.

     Maybe they're just passing by on their way to the dock. 

     "Why are you two out here freezing?" Chaz asks, his worried puppy eyes at full power.

     "Hey, Kyra, wanna help me make snow sculptures of cuss words?" Trey chuckles.

     I answer Chaz. "We're just standing here talking."

     Kyra answers Trey. "I don't think you need any help with that."

     "Yeah, but I don't want to spell them wrong."

     She laughs, holding her stomach. "You're right. You might."

     Chaz looks at Kyra. "Yeah, could you go help him? I wanna talk to Kate for a minute."

     I glare at him.

     Chaz laughs. "C'mon, Kyra."

     She looks at me. I roll my eyes. "Whatever. Go on."

     Now she looks at Chaz. "You'd better behave."

     He smirks. "I only misbehave around you, sweetheart."

     Trey laughs again while she lets out an exasperated noise. Chaz's smirk disappears as his eyes soften when he looks back at me.

     Ugh!

     "Don't look at me like that!" I look away, throwing my hand up to block him.

     "What'd I do? I don't understand."

     "I'm not interested in hearing you continue with whatever crap you've concocted against Alaric this time."

     "Can't I just want to talk to you?" He's got pitiful down pat. But I've seen how scheming he can get.

     "When do you ever 'just talk' to me? Especially lately."

     He sighs. "Okay. I deserve that, I guess." He gets quiet, staring at me. The silence lengthens.

     "You said you wanted to speak to me. So speak." Anything but the puppy eyes.

     "Sorry. I had this all planned out, and now it just looks petty and vindictive. Besides, it doesn't place me in the best light, either. Maybe I should just forget it."

     It's like waving a carrot in front of a turtle. I'm not jumping at it, but I still want to know what he's talking about. "Well, you've brought it up. Spill."

     He stalls. "So how come Alaric didn't come with you? Trouble in paradise?"

     I have to fight to keep from rolling my eyes. "No, and I wasn't planning on being here at all. But my parents..." I let my voice trail off. I'd once told him about how things are at home--during that 'I'll try to be friends' time.

     "Again?"

     "Story of my life."

     "Man, I'm sorry. Do you need any help?"

     "No. If it's real bad, I can go back to Alaric's house."

     He gets the hint, but not far enough. "So, really, how are things with Alaric?"

     "Chaz..."

     "I know! I'm sorry! I'm being transparent. It's just I'm still trying to figure out how to tell you this. I... can't help it, and it kills me that you don't know who your boyfriend IS. The kind of person he is." He huffs. "It's just, I'm just as guilty, but we were both under some serious pressure, and well, now, I'm... incredibly active. I worry about you with him. Even though it makes me look bad too, except I know I wouldn't be like I worry he is. Not with you. But what I saw in his eyes the other night... It worries me that he'll..." He puts his hands over his face. "F--k, I can't bring myself to say it now."

     "Chaz, I am totally lost on what you're trying to say."

     "Okay. I'll just be blunt about it. I just... Don't hate me. Well, anymore than you already do."

     "Chaz..."

     "You know he's not a virgin, right?" He smirks. At least he's stopped looking lovesick.

     "Huh?" I feel my cheeks pinking rapidly. "It's, um, not been discussed. Well, specifically."

     "Oh. Well, he had a party at his house. It was supposed to be just us guys, but Lizette Hernandez crashed it."

     From pink to red. "Lizette? You mean like Dirk and Lizette?"

     "Yeah. Only that night it was all of us and Lizette." He watches me as that sinks in. "I guess... why would he tell you? Trey and Dirk pressured him just like they did me, although, he didn't take that much convincing from where I was standing."

     I try to picture the scene in my mind of all of them and Lizette. "All of you? And she was okay with this?"

     "That's what she kept saying." He pauses. "Look, Kate. I'm really sorry. I just... don't want you to think he's Mr. Upstanding Individual."

     I shake my head. "I never did." Then why am I sick to my stomach? Those guys... And Lizette... "I guess I'm really NOT shy," his voice echoes in my mind from that time in the library. "When did this happen?"

     "Oh. It was before you two were together, although, not much before." He watches me for a moment. "Kate? Please don't hate me. I didn't want to do it, but those two were always making me do sh*t I didn't wanna do. I just... got the feeling that Alaric didn't have much problem with it. And I don't think he's the right kind of guy for you. He's going to--"

     "Shut up!

     "You all make me sick!"
     "Kate! That's not what I was going for. Well, at least... I just want you to know. He should've told you. Do you understand?"
      My hands cover my face. No. I don't want to believe it, but wasn't I just thinking about how Alaric is a hot bad boy who's really a good guy who's trying to be an even badder guy? Was I wrong in my assessment? I can't get that image of all of them and Lizette out of my head!
     Chaz is holding my elbows. "Kate, I had to come clean about it. He should've told you."
     "Don't touch me!" I jerk myself away from his grasp. "Leave me alone!" I run off to the dock and get the motorboat taxi to take me to shore. Bobbing in the waves doesn't help my nausea.
      I don't know what I'll do with this new information. I somehow don't think Chaz was lying. But that happened before Alaric and I started dating, but Chaz is right, I should've heard about it from Alaric before now. What will I do now that I know?