Backing up some before coming to the present. And I'm finally going to switch the text sides to more accurately reflect how it looks on my phone.
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Michael
I get a text from Darrin the next day.
Would you meet me at the little park on Bankhead?
Yeah. I get off work at 4
See you at 5?
Sure np
I have a guess I know what this is about, but I have no idea what he's going to say about it. At the very least, I hope he apologizes for the 'Damn you, Michael' thing. After all, HE kissed ME. That wasn't exactly fair.
I find him sitting on a bench, looking out at the river. At first glance, he looks tense. Maybe I'm projecting how I feel onto him because I'm also tense. Whatever happens, I'm going to let him do the talking.
"Hi," I state simply. As I walk in front of him, he says hi as well.
After our initial greetings, we sit here silently. I don't know what to say. I know I'm somewhat upset, but I can't explain it. I feel like I can't explain anything. One thing I do know: I don't want to lose him. Even as just a friend, I've felt more normal with him than I have with my own family. I don't know if I'd ever be able to find that again.
But... a relationship? The idea didn't even occur to me until last night. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I feel. I don't know what TO feel.
Of course, this may all be a moot point in a moment once he starts speaking. It might be my turn to get his trademark f--- off.
He lets out a quiet sigh and looks at his nails. I have the sensation that I'm slowly sinking into thick mud.
"I'm sorry for telling you to shut up," he begins. "I need to say that first."
"Okay." My tone implies that I want him to go on.
"I know I need to say a lot more, but I don't know how."
I stay quiet, not knowing what to say either, and I start getting a little depressed. His tone of voice and manner of sitting imply he's embarrassed. Yeah. I'm getting the 'f--- off.' I sigh, wishing it wouldn't happen somehow.
"Are you mad at me for what I did?"
What? Why would he think that? "No? I mean..." Here goes "I was just surprised."
"I've been trying to hide it. Because I didn't want to mess everything up."
I want to jump up and down and scream that everything is not messed up. Only if he ends whatever this is is it messed up. I remain stoically seated, however.
"I'm bi, Michael."
Now is the moment when I have to say something, and I pray I don't mess it all up. "I guessed as much. Something like that anyway." Oh, I am so stupid! Of all the things to say! Why couldn't I have just said 'that's great' or 'you know what? I am too' or something like that. Plum!
"That's the first time I've said that." He clears his throat. "Out loud."
Oh, plum. Maker, let me die. I sounded like an insensitive prick. I have to fix this. "I think I am too."
He turns to look at me. "You think?!" Crap. He sounds mad all of a sudden.
"You think you are too? Were you even there last night?"
"Jeez, Darrin. Give me a break. This is uncharted territory for me."
He exhales in a defeated way, puts his hands into fists, and rests his forehead against them, his elbows on his knees. "I can't believe I did that. Oh, I'd imagined doing it several times. It was that damn tea. Then the lights went out. Then I realized I wasn't imagining it this time."
"Darrin, it's okay."
"NO IT'S NOT!" He's making me mad now.
"Michael, do you know anything? What if this gets out at work? They will ostracize me. Even if they don't do it to my face."
"I'm not stupid. Don't imply that I am."
"I'm not trying to! I'm trying to make you think about it. Imagine bringing me to dinner at your house and introducing me to your father as your boyfriend. How do you think he'd react? How do you think your boss would react?"
"For starters, I don't think my boss would care. He's very self-absorbed."
"Well, in the force, we've gotta know our brothers-in-arms have our backs. There isn't much room to deviate from the fine line we have to walk."
"I don't think it should matter."
"Well to many people, it does."
"And I think my dad would be good with it. And if you want to bring that 'fine line' into it, my dad didn't walk it, and he's just fine."
"Only because Alexander Goth is his brother-in-law. Me? Other than the couple who adopted me, I have no family. All I have is my career."
He may as well have punched me in the gut. My voice betrays my emotion as I ask, "So where does that leave me?"
"Oh maker, Michael. Don't make me have to do this."
"What am I 'making' you do?"
"I can't. I just... can't do it. I know how I am. I know how I feel, but I can't act on it. Go ahead and call me a coward. Today was supposed to be me explaining myself to you and stating that it won't happen again and hoping it hasn't ruined our friendship, but I don't know anymore. The more I think about it, the more I remember, the more I'm getting the impression you liked it."
I look my inner self in the eyes. "I know I did. I don't know where that puts me on whatever, but it was because it was you." There. I'm no coward. This conversation has brought me face-to-face with myself. I haven't figured everything out, but I do know that I'm attracted to Darrin and that I have been from the start. I just didn't recognize it for what it was.
But it's Darrin's actions that have me confused. At first, I thought he was going to try to argue with me and convince me that I'm attracted to him. Then he changed gears when he realized I was pretty much already there. Now, he's backing out.
"I can't." He bites his lip hard and stands up. His voice catches a few times as he manages to say, "I'm sorry, Michael."
My knee shakes as he starts walking away. What do I do? Do I run after him, trap him in my arms and kiss him right here on the street? Well, there would be no 'trapping' with all the self-defense stuff he undoubtedly knows. He'd have me slammed against the concrete in seconds. So do I let him just walk away? What would he say if I ran after him? What would I say? I don't want him to just... vanish! How can he do this to me?
I turn in my seat, ready to bolt after him when I see him look back at me before crossing at the crosswalk. He shakes his head no, and my insides plummet.
No. No, damn it. You can't do this to me. You can't just walk away. I put both hands over my face and lean back against the bench. I try to put myself in his shoes, trying to understand why he changed gears in the conversation we had just now. When faced with the honest possibility of us being together, he chickened out.
"Damn, Mike. Don't be such a chicken. Live a little." His words from last night echo in my mind. That's how he got me to drink the tea/punch/whatever.
A little laugh escapes me. Oh, the irony!
So what do I do now? Darrin was there and then freaked out. He was there. He was ready to try and convince me. Then I threw him a curveball.
He can't be gone. He just needs a little time. I know where to find him.
I'll find him. This isn't over.
---------------------------
A/N: In skimming a few chapters to check up on my background info, I realized that Brielle's little brother Logan at first called himself Darrin. And he sports the same hairstyle as Darrin. Just for the record: they are not the same person. I had no idea about Darrin until he just randomly showed up at the gym and he and Mikey became friends. It's a simple coincidence that he resembles Logan. :)
Oh, and background info: He and Addie Metzger (a person Alex used to woohoo before Selena) got married and had a daughter before she aged to elder:
And speaking of uncharted territory: this blog is about to get weird. Something unthinkable happened:
That is Alex. Getting abducted. While he's still technically MA (his appearance is older). People following me on Tumblr have probably already seen this. This little event has far-reaching consequences. And, since the whole deal about this story is consequences, I couldn't ignore it.
Oh yes, things get weird.
"Jeez, Darrin. Give me a break. This is uncharted territory for me."
He exhales in a defeated way, puts his hands into fists, and rests his forehead against them, his elbows on his knees. "I can't believe I did that. Oh, I'd imagined doing it several times. It was that damn tea. Then the lights went out. Then I realized I wasn't imagining it this time."
"Darrin, it's okay."
"NO IT'S NOT!" He's making me mad now.
"I'm not stupid. Don't imply that I am."
"I'm not trying to! I'm trying to make you think about it. Imagine bringing me to dinner at your house and introducing me to your father as your boyfriend. How do you think he'd react? How do you think your boss would react?"
"For starters, I don't think my boss would care. He's very self-absorbed."
"Well, in the force, we've gotta know our brothers-in-arms have our backs. There isn't much room to deviate from the fine line we have to walk."
"I don't think it should matter."
"Well to many people, it does."
"And I think my dad would be good with it. And if you want to bring that 'fine line' into it, my dad didn't walk it, and he's just fine."
"Only because Alexander Goth is his brother-in-law. Me? Other than the couple who adopted me, I have no family. All I have is my career."
He may as well have punched me in the gut. My voice betrays my emotion as I ask, "So where does that leave me?"
"What am I 'making' you do?"
"I can't. I just... can't do it. I know how I am. I know how I feel, but I can't act on it. Go ahead and call me a coward. Today was supposed to be me explaining myself to you and stating that it won't happen again and hoping it hasn't ruined our friendship, but I don't know anymore. The more I think about it, the more I remember, the more I'm getting the impression you liked it."
I look my inner self in the eyes. "I know I did. I don't know where that puts me on whatever, but it was because it was you." There. I'm no coward. This conversation has brought me face-to-face with myself. I haven't figured everything out, but I do know that I'm attracted to Darrin and that I have been from the start. I just didn't recognize it for what it was.
But it's Darrin's actions that have me confused. At first, I thought he was going to try to argue with me and convince me that I'm attracted to him. Then he changed gears when he realized I was pretty much already there. Now, he's backing out.
"I can't." He bites his lip hard and stands up. His voice catches a few times as he manages to say, "I'm sorry, Michael."
I turn in my seat, ready to bolt after him when I see him look back at me before crossing at the crosswalk. He shakes his head no, and my insides plummet.
No. No, damn it. You can't do this to me. You can't just walk away. I put both hands over my face and lean back against the bench. I try to put myself in his shoes, trying to understand why he changed gears in the conversation we had just now. When faced with the honest possibility of us being together, he chickened out.
"Damn, Mike. Don't be such a chicken. Live a little." His words from last night echo in my mind. That's how he got me to drink the tea/punch/whatever.
A little laugh escapes me. Oh, the irony!
So what do I do now? Darrin was there and then freaked out. He was there. He was ready to try and convince me. Then I threw him a curveball.
He can't be gone. He just needs a little time. I know where to find him.
---------------------------
A/N: In skimming a few chapters to check up on my background info, I realized that Brielle's little brother Logan at first called himself Darrin. And he sports the same hairstyle as Darrin. Just for the record: they are not the same person. I had no idea about Darrin until he just randomly showed up at the gym and he and Mikey became friends. It's a simple coincidence that he resembles Logan. :)
Oh, and background info: He and Addie Metzger (a person Alex used to woohoo before Selena) got married and had a daughter before she aged to elder:
Londyn Metzger-McKinney
And speaking of uncharted territory: this blog is about to get weird. Something unthinkable happened:
Oh yes, things get weird.
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