Chain Reaction 1.22: Go From There

      I'm a horrible person. I kinda knew that someday Alex would do that. I should've warned him sooner that I never planned on marrying him.
      'What DO you want then, Brielle?' I sigh. I know the answer to my inner voice's question. After seeing him downtown with that older woman, I've tried to stop thinking about him. It never worked. The second Sade mentioned seeing him last night, I knew I was fooling myself all that time. I always secretly hoped he would still wait for me even though I'd 'let him go.' His presence at the bar last night, although it made me nervous, made my heart soar.  
      But then, he never came over to speak to me! Why?

      "Hello," a familiar voice says behind me.
      Even though I'm still very sad, my heart picks up in tempo and butterflies start dancing in my stomach. He must've been waiting for me to be alone.

      "Hi," I turn to him, and he sits on the stool next to me.
      "Have we met?" he asks me with laughter in his eyes. I roll mine, and he continues anyway. "My name's Graham Taylor."
      "Graham, please don't play games with me now," I request sadly.

     His voice drops to a more serious tone. "It's not exactly a game. A couple of times, we've questioned whether or not I know you, first me, then you. I felt like crap after saying it and felt even more like crap after hearing you say it. So, I thought I could get to know you so neither of us has to say that again." He pauses, and I close my eyes. I hear a truckload amount of happiness in his voice as he says, "Happy belated birthday."
      "Thank you," I reply, wishing my heart would slow down enough to where I could at least breathe normally. "You've been watching me all night," I state.
      "Yes," he admits. "I would've spoken to you sooner, but I didn't want to interrupt time with your friends."
      I offer a half-smile and open my eyes. "Sade wouldn't have minded meeting you. She still thought you were my tutor."
      One of his eyebrows raises, making him look devilishly handsome. "Your tutor?" he questions, and his smile grows wider on his face. He looks like he could crack up laughing at any second. I think it would take a lot to sour his buoyant mood.
      "Oh," I say quickly and swallow. I never told him about that! "I... uh... told her that to shut her up. She, um, saw us the day of our 'picnic,' and I had to offer some kind of explanation."
      He can't contain his laughter anymore, and he lets it out to the ceiling for a second before facing front again. His hand comes up, and his fingers run along his beard as he says, "Well, that's... interesting."

        "So, why did I stop being your tutor?" he asks merrily, having fun with my little lie to Sade and Grayson.
        I purse my lips for a second, not thinking it's funny. "Your mom died and you were too busy at work."
        "I wonder what my mother would think of her untimely demise." His voice still sounds too happy for my mood right now, so I turn and face front. Since I haven't said anything, his voice drops lower, and he continues, "And just so you know, I couldn't possibly be too busy at work for someone as gorgeous as you are."
        Wham! The strong compliment hits me like a baseball bat to the head, further knocking the breath out of me. While I work on catching it again, he continues.
        "Although, I wouldn't want to be your tutor." He leans closer, scooting some on the bar stool. One of his feet now rests on the floor.
        I pick at the hem of my dress and ask, "Why not? You think I'd be a bad pupil?"
        "I'd be a bad tutor," he explains and takes in a deep breath through his nose.
       Curious, I ask what he probably wants me to ask. "How? I don't think so." I can't breathe! Can he SEE how fast my heart is racing right now? How can I act calm and collected and keep talking to him if I can't breathe?
       Still closer, he quietly answers, "I'm afraid there would be very little academic instruction. I'd be utterly distracted by the perfect beauty in front of me."
       "Graham..." I say his name in a kind of pleading way to get him to cool it. I've given up trying to hide how what he's doing and saying affects me. He knows exactly what he's doing, making me nothing but a helpless victim of his flirting.
       "Hm?" he asks right into my ear, and I hold onto the bar for support. He looks down at my hands and says, "Forgive me for overdoing it. There are just so many things I've been dying to tell you. I'm having a lot of difficulty holding it in." He's still holding some of it IN?! I don't stand a chance, and I... I can't TAKE this right now!
       "Please," I beg simply and get up from the stool. I don't exactly want to leave. Sure, Graham's flirting is a bit too heavy right now, but part of me really enjoys it. I can't deny I've missed him, but so much has happened that I can't ignore. Instead of outright leaving, I go and have a seat on one of the sofas nearby. After about a minute, he gets up and comes over to sit next to me.

        "I'm sorry. I guess that was too much, huh?" he asks.
        "I've not exactly had the best evening of my life. Not the worst, but not great either." The enormity of everything rolls over me like a mudslide, nearly burying me in its wake. I hurt Alex more than I've ever hurt anyone ever. And after everything they did for me... But that doesn't mean I want to marry him! I put my hands over my face. Why did he have to ask me to marry him? What made him so positive that I'd say yes? I hated that look on his face; he was crushed.
         I let out a shuddering sigh, and I sense Graham moving to face me. "Brielle? What happened? You looked like you were having fun to me."
         I shake my head. "I don't know where you went, but you didn't see it." I just pretty much admitted that I've watched for him all evening. Oh well.
         "See what?"
         Deciding suddenly that maybe sharing what happened with someone would be a good idea, I say, "Alex asked me to marry him. I said no, and he was crushed. I feel like crap for that." I pull my knees tighter, and my shoulders curl in as I lean forward. I wish I could vanish from existence for a while.

      "Hey," he says soothingly and reaches around the back of my shoulders. When his warm fingers encounter the bare skin, I drop my hands into my lap. His touch doesn't make my skin crawl. In fact, it feels wonderful, comforting. The relief of that realization overwhelms me so much that I collapse against his shoulder, crying. Graham!
       He smells so nice! Someone, a man, is touching me, and I love it. I've put up a shield against everyone, kind of like a castle wall. Then, Graham comes along, and it's like the castle wall is invisible for him. He walks right through.
       His arm tightens, holding me closer. "Oh, Brielle! That must've been awful for you!" The fabric of his jacket presses into my cheek from him holding me so tightly. His free hand comes up and cups the other one, his thumb tracing my cheekbone to brush away the tears. "What a moment for me to step away. To be honest, I might've made a scene myself, which would've only made it worse." He takes a deep breath and rests his head against the top of mine. His voice drops to a whisper as he says, "My worst nightmare." He breathes a sigh of relief, probably thinking how glad he is that I said no.
      Even though I still revel in his touching me not making me sick, his whispered statement irks me. I don't like that he thinks I'll take him back just like that. So much has happened that we must work through before that can happen.
      He's acting like we're going to immediately start up a relationship, just like we'd once said would happen when I turned eighteen. But, that was before I saw him with Kristy. Just because I don't recoil from his touch doesn't mean that I'm going to forget all about that and welcome him back completely.

         "Graham, stop it," I tell him, my voice not harsh but stern, and I put my hand on his chest and push him away. His face curls up in worry. I don't like it, so I close my eyes against the hurt I see there too. "I just... No." Not right now.
          I open my eyes, and instantly, I regret pushing him away. Utterly confused and feeling a bit lost that I want someone else's touch, I get up and walk out of the bar into the morning sunshine.

      After crossing the street, I make my way over to the dock. An old paddle-wheeled river boat sits moored to it. The owners have turned it into a restaurant. I've never been to it. I'm sure if I'd asked, Alex would've happily taken me there...only he would've seen it as a date.
      I just sat at the bar and talked with Graham like little to no time had passed since we'd last spoken. He was so happy, and I ruined it. He wanted to make like we were starting over when he introduced himself. He flirted, looking so confident and hot. I wipe my cheek and try to make sense of the past few hours, then the past year.
       And after everything, I know in my heart I want Graham back in my life. I still don't know what went on about what happened with that Kristy person, but it obviously didn't matter to him because he's not still with her. Maybe that's all she was: a distraction, a crutch.
     I want Graham back, but I push him away when he tries to comfort me? I wouldn't blame him if he thinks that I don't want him back anymore. No! I suppose I can go and apologize to him at his office if I don't hear from or see him soon.
      "Brielle!" I hear him call from across the street.
      Then again...

     He runs over to me and stops in front of me, staying a step away. His mouth turns down in a frown, and his shoulders slump. "Brielle, I'm trying. What am I doing wrong? Is it just me? Is talking with me too much? Do you want me not to touch you? Do you want me to go... away?" He has to cough before the last word, making his voice sound dry. I watch him swallow hard and notice that he doesn't look me in the eye now. "You were crying; I couldn't help but want to hold you while you did. If you don't want me to touch you, I'll try to understand-"
      "It's not that," I reply quickly, interrupting him. "It's all a little or a lot too much. Like I said, I've had a hell of a night."
      He winces painfully before he clears his throat and asks, "Do you still need time?"
      I put my hand up on my forehead and turn a bit away from him. He moves to stand in front of me, again staying about a step away.
      "Just tell me, and I'll give it to you. You're right. This hasn't been the wonderful night we, well I, imagined," he tells me sincerely. "Whatever you need."

       'If you push him away again, he'll really leave you alone this time. Is that what you want?'
       No. 
       I feel my lower lip tremble before I say, "I don't really know what I want. I'm not really meaning to push you away like I did. It's... It's nice one minute and overwhelming the next. I don't want to push you away..." My voice trails off. How can I answer when I don't understand myself?

       He smiles a tense yet happy smile. I see in his eyes he wants to do more, but he holds himself in check. "Then we'll go from there." He pauses, and I nod my okay. Still tense, he asks, "Do you have plans for this evening?"
       Graham asked me out, just a simple asking me out. I still don't understand myself, but I breathe a sigh of relief. I almost want to giggle. "No."
        "Could I take you to dinner, then?" he questions carefully.
        I smile a lopsided smile at him. "Could we eat there?" I point to the beautiful boat behind him.
        His answering, beaming smile tries to blind me as he answers, "Of course."