Chain Reaction 1.18: Emotional Space

     I go to school, and like last time, people stare at me and whisper things behind my back. Grayson and I don't have lunch together anymore. I hardly see him at all, but when I do, I ask him to come over to the Goths' house this afternoon. For some reason, he looks surprised.

      We meet to stand and talk on the front porch. He speaks first. "I have to admit I didn't expect you to ask me to come over like this."
      "Huh? Why?" I ask, totally confused.
      His voice sounds very careful when he says, "I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore. You've not returned my calls or texts. At first, I wondered if I needed to come by to see you, but then I guessed that you just wanted to be left alone."

     "Oh. I have a new phone number. I guess I could've called you, but..." I pause. "Grayson, I'm sorry. I've not been myself these past few weeks, and... I just never know... I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore after me running away again and... what happened to me." No, not now. Don't think about it now.

     "Nobody really knows what happened to you other than you ran away again," he admits.
     I have a strange, numbing sensation go through me, and I wonder if this is what some people call an out-of-body experience. I have to tell him. "I... Nyla's, well, ex-boyfriend... he... assaulted me," I say, choosing a way to say it. I hyperventilate as I fight to keep from breaking down. No one knows. They were talking behind my back because I'd run away again. No one knows why. The Goths told no one. Nyla didn't either, at least anyone that goes to my school or their families.
     He stays quiet for a moment while what I told him sinks in. "Bri! Oh my maker!" He moves to hug me, and I step back. A look of pain crosses his face before he puts his arms down.
     "Don't tell anyone," I beg quietly.
     "And I... And you... I've been a s--- boyfriend, haven't I?"

     "No, it's me. I didn't speak to you for weeks."
     "I thought you didn't want to, so I gave you your space. I'm so stupid."
     "I did need my space, and... I still do."
     "What are you saying, Bri?" he asks carefully.
     "I don't want to drag you through this crap I'm going through."
     "You're being 'noble' and breaking up with me," he says in a mildly sneering way.
     "Kinda," I reply, and a surprised look crosses his face. "I don't know about noble, though."

      "I was being sarcastic or whatever," he says, meaning he was being facetious. Then, his voice sounds pained, "Why?"
      "I told you. I don't want to drag you through this," I answer stoically.
      "Give me the total and truthful answer, please, Bri. You're hiding something."

       "I don't want to hurt you," I say quietly.
       He looks at our feet. "Too late."
       "I can't have a boyfriend right now." I put my hand over my eyes. "How can I when I don't want anyone to so much as touch me?!"
       He winces, screwing up his face like he's trying not to cry. "I don't have to touch you. Please don't push me away like this. Let me help."
       "I... Grayson, it's just that-" How do I tell him that I don't love him enough to get through this? "This isn't fair to you."

       "No, it's not fair," he agrees but probably doesn't mean it in the same way I do. "You won't give me a chance to help you however I can. I'm so sorry for leaving you alone these weeks. I honestly thought you needed your space."
       "I do need my space. That's why it's not fair to you. I don't want you to try and hang onto something that isn't there anymore." Could I have said that better?
       "Isn't there? You're meaning that you no longer have feelings for me?"
       I want to yell, but I keep quieter than that, merely talking loudly. "I am emotionally dead! You don't understand! I've had it with everything, and I don't want to make you feel like you have to hang around with someone who will not return your feelings. No, I don't have feelings for you anymore."

       He exhales sharply and hides his face in his hands. He doesn't move them when he says, "I'm sorry, Bri. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for things that aren't my fault and sorry for things that are. I'm sorry all that crap happened to you. I wanted to make things better for you, but I failed."
       This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I didn't want to see him hurt, but I can't figure out any other way. I've held onto him much too long as it is. He doesn't deserve an empty relationship. I have nothing to give anyone, not when I want to keep everyone at a physical and emotional distance. Still, I hate seeing Grayson so hurt. He blames himself somehow; I can't let that happen.
       My voice drops to a whisper. "It's not your fault."
       "I can still be sorry about it."

       He doesn't look at me as he continues, "I'll go then. But I still care about you, Bri. I wish you'd let me help. If you ever need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to, call me."
       "I'm sorry, Grayson," I say sadly. He nods, turns to go, and walks down the front porch stairs, headed home.